Lost in emotions of dealing with a narcissist father of my children

Elf911

I have been feeling lost lately, I have done mediation once already but he didn't do anything that was agreed. Now he plays the victim. I have been more then flexible with all requests to see his children but it is beyond a joke now, 4 children, 2 diagnosed ASD/ADHD and youngest with anxiety. It is a struggle to explain to them why their father is the way he is. He is also entangled in a 4.8million dollar legal case that they are trying to bunkrupt him for. It so hard to explain any of this to my children. They don't understand he is no good for their well being. It would make my life just that little bit easier if he would disappear. I spent too many years under his control to watch my children be emotional manipulated by his narcissistic ways.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I see your dilemma. So many couples only find out the negatives of their partner many years after they meet.

The father of your children has his own responsibilities with his children so while your thoughts are well placed with, thinking of your children having an active dad in their lives, you have limitations in changing his nature. (See link below)

When my marriage dissolved I fretted for my kids. My ex was lazy so every morning I'd ring their school principal to check if they got to school. I was really upset on the phone one morning and the principle said "Tony, kids are more resilient than us adults, they will survive just fine". Hence I learned a big lesson- you have to care for yourself first so you can care for your kids.

As much as I understand you'd like him to disappear I would suggest - 1. Getting visitations on paper endorsed by the family court and enforce it rigidly 2. Any contact he wants with the kids allow him to exercise his rights. By doing this you can't ever be accused by your kids that you denied them their father and he has far less justification in demonising you to them as they grow.

There's a lot of difficulty in raising kids on your own let alone with these issues, best to focus on your dedication to your kids than lack of dedication your ex has.

Just writing in here tells me what a wonderful mum you are

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

TonyWK

Elf911

I thank you for your reply, there is a sense of relief to share my concern with a complete stranger.

Since my separation over two years ago I have tried to focus on the thing a can change and learned a lot about what I can't. I know I can't change the childrens father but I can shield them from the worst bits. They have seen enough of his emotional abuse and manipulations to form their own opinions. When he rings and they tell they don't want to talk I tell them not to waste these moments of effort you will regret it later. I believe credit is given where credit is due.

The past is the best prediction of future behavior and I feel like he didn't do any of things we agreed to previously because of some manipulative game he wants to play with me. I feel he doesn't want the children because he is a loving father, (I don't dismiss that he cares) but to assert what power he can over me. I spent far too many years of my life and that of my childrens crushes beneath his feet, I will not play his games any more.

I have learnt my value and that of my children and they deserve so much better then to be pieces on a chess board fighting for their father affections, he is really not capable of giving them.

I would like nothing more to get a legally binding agreement through the court but I can't afford what it will cost. So I will return to mediation and see what will come of that.

I know he won't get the support he needs for his 4.8 million dollar gambling addiction and suicidal mental health, I really just hoped that he cares enough for his children to make that effort.

In all reality I don't hate him for how he treated me through our relationship, I sadly let it happen too. But I fear for the kind of role model he is to our children and what message it sends to them, when you make an agreement you should follow through to make it happen, especially when you voluntarily agree to it. I feel like I am putting all the effort to make his rights easier but he making now for me, if not does everything to make it harder.

I feel like if it was so important to him that he should be showing all the actions to prove it.

white knight

Thanks for replying

One of many things we do as ex partners is the continuation of obligations the other party "should have". Yet they are now on their own so ALL of their decisions are theirs and that leaves us with only hope they will carry out what you both agreed to while together. IMO we are far better off mentally accepting that they are like strangers with their own decisions unless they have a fair communication base whereby you can share your views and compromise/agree what is best for the children. I've seen this many times before where "When we were married he agreed our kids would do this... or that". And when one party finds another partner their views change as their responsibilities change so those sorts of agreements are dead in the water so to speak. So unless you can both agree on things all past obligations are gone as is him seeking support for gambling addictions etc. Your kids now should be your only concern.

As previously I eluded to, kids are resilient and yes as time goes by they will work it all out and your approach to their welfare is spot on, no doubt about that.

So in general his legal challenges and all other aspects of his life and his decisions are for him to bare so I believe that if you detach yourself from those issues much more then you'll find the peace you crave. Drawing a line in the sand that reads "that is his life not mine" is to sever the last remaining attachment you have from him apart from the children. This will free up your mind more to make coping easier. For example say he begins to talk about his obligations on child support and he brings up the topic about his huge debts. Separate those into two categories- what is relevant to the childrens welfare (child support of which he is still obligated) and his debt- that is his problem.

Your children will work out much of where they are going with relationships. Some kids accept such things like manipulation and lack of commitment as they get older. As long as you are a good parent and allow that to play out then they will embrace their own thoughts on their dad.

So your first sentence of your original post "I have been feeling lost lately, I have done mediation once already but he didn't do anything that was agreed. Now he plays the victim." you can allow him to play the victim, you can refuse to attend mediation on the grounds that he doesnt carry out any agreed actions... you can develop confidence that you can only do things from your side of the disputes.

When a ex partner makes agreements that they dont stick to you are not in control of their obligations, thats for them. Fulfil your obligations and negotiate only on issues that involve the children. "That's for you to decide/take action on/fulfil your obligations" is the ideal answer to all other questions.

Countering manipulation is a very tough thing to do. While someone is trying hard to carry out that action the more you respond the more they believe they will succeed. Short answers to the point without anger and they hit a brick wall.

As the years tick over it all becomes easier.

I hope you feel ok.

TonyWK

Elf911

Your perspective is enlightened and refreshing to hear.

I am feeling better but feel like I lack the confidence and assertiveness to adhere to just my obligations to my children, as I feel like if I don't bend to his requests it will look unfavorable on me for not trying harder or being inflexible.

I have come to accept that his mental health is out of my hands, but fear the affect on the children. My perspective is that if he can't provide himself with proper care, how can he for fill his obligations to care for his children. They have extra needed that even I am learning to help them with.

I would like nothing else but to separate his financial support from his debts but he won't. He has not been meeting the obligations he agreed to less then six months ago. He cheats the government system by claiming a disability pension and working cash jobs/gambling for income. So the government can't do an accurate income assessment for child support. Instead I get excuses and he pays nothing.

When we return to mediation soon I know I need to stand up for what children need, financial support, regular visitations and how that's going to work when he lives 2 hours away, as our children have extra needed and will need time to adjust. I can't help with a meltdown from 2 hours away, or afford accommodations there. My frustration is finding where the middle ground is so that I don't bare all the inconvenience for his rights.

I think I tried to draw that line in the sand, I would say no to request outside our agreement, than spoke to a legal advisor that told me I should attempt to be flexible to his requests. I get all different advice from different perspectives but not sure where I should go. I even stopped chasing him up to keep him commitments. Sadly his legal issues have come to harass me before and aired on national news, people have make negative connects to me and my children. I remain anonymous online to avoid any attention it brings me and my children. These harassment haven't gone as far as to be violent and to report to police but it is confronting receiving messages of people telling me that I need to get him to give them their money back. I blocked them of cause. So I think I have distanced myself from his life but it unfortunately follows me.

I love my children and provide for them the best that I can. Balancing all there extra needs while trying to improve mine is overwhelming enough without trying to throw in 2 hours drives all the time.

white knight

Yes, life is complicated in your situation, thankyou for that extra information.

I paid child support for 14 years (not one late payment). So it disappoints me when I read your story. There is a minimal rate he has to pay so contact child support about that. Also if you hear about any cash work he does report this as well- you'll need the employers name and/or address, frequency of work, times and dates he attended the workplace. Until that information is sent in is is hearsay as to if he is getting more income.

As someone familiar with laws, I can say that if your name is not on any debt then you have zero obligation to that debt. If that's the case tell those that contact you "it isnt my loan- chase the owner of the debt, thankyou have a good day". Supply no further information eg his where abouts etc as he could target you later. It isnt worth it- just distance yourself from anything that doesnt include your name.

Re: " My perspective is that if he can't provide himself with proper care, how can he for fill his obligations to care for his children. They have extra needed that even I am learning to help them with".

How these things work is that until it is proven that he cant fulfil the childrens obligations he is a fit parent. To prove he isnt a fit parent you need evidence. Courts rely on evidence. Imagine how full the courts would get if evidence wasnt needed? One good example- a client has 3 kids and she asked them if they had dinner at their dads home on Friday nights after their dad picked them up. The eldest said "mum we never have dinner at dads house on Friday night". So she called me and I made enquiries as part of my job back then... "thats right (said the father).. we never have dinner at my place Friday night... I always take them to McDonalds". See how the information can be missing?

The key to stopping you worrying is to (if you can) try to keep a good level of communication open with him eg on medical issues with the kids. Write it down if you cant talk amicably and hand it to him.

Mediation for the kids is good. I would suggest there that he pick up the children during school holidays and long weekends (say 5 days at a time max meaning each school holidays and twice at xmas holidays. and use the phone or face phone in between eg every Wednesday night at 7pm. That way commuting costs are much lower and by the time he gets his visits he'll be so eager to have them he might treat them well.

In support of all non custodial parents, if he is entitled to visitations then unless he is proven to be an unfit parent (there are numerous examples) then those entitlements must remain. It is frustrating and I know the feeling as the colossal amount of child support I paid our kids were still not bought clothes so I did that also even though I knew the money went off her mortgage. But again, we have to divorce ourselves from that stuff. As long as he comes under a fit parent umbrella then you have to be flexible but have your awareness ready.

eg if your kids say they sat in the car for hours while he went into a place that said "pokies" out the front... grounds for a complaint. Same as if they were struck physically or not fed etc. Until those lines are breached worrying about it isnt productive.

Are you in contact with any of his family or friends? so you can get a observers assessment? Just a thought.

I dont know how to help further. But by all means reply if you have further questions. I'm familiar with the court systems and separated parents.

You're a good mum to strive to fix these issues.

TonyWK

Elf911

I thank you for your quick reply.

He has cut ties with family members and friends that I have contact with. Otherwise I would do just what you said, but again he is the kind of person that will act the hero in front of other people or in public and be completely different at home. His gambling usually revolves around online stuff on his phone, I have had the children complain that he is on his phone too much. But in retrospect I use my phone for everything too.

I understand it would be extremely difficult and expensive to prove him an unfit parent. Your suggestion for holiday visit would work if our youngest child didn't have extreme separation anxiety. I have gone as far to get her therapy for this but she is struggling with this, I don't even think she would as current stay a night without issues, but I am trying to work on that. Believe me I would love nothing more than to have five days break from my children but not at their emotional experience. Child with disability make everything that little bit harder but is colourful too. This is the biggest challenge for me, trying to balance what is best for my children and still giving his rights.

Thank you for all you knowledgeable advice I will keep it in mind for the future. I appreciate it very much, especially from a males perspective.

Can I just say something, not knowing anything about your situation, providing a home for children to live in by paying the mortgage on a house is not easy as a single mother, I have never let my little ones go without clothes and food, not have I been forced to choose between a house or clothes or food. If I didn't have the support of my family I wouldn't be able to do either, single parent payments barely cover the cost of necessities right now. Balancing the financial books would be impossible for me if I had to pay a mortgage, as least your ex was able to do that. Not that it's an excuse not to try to do better. That's why I just got my license and enrolled in Tafe so I could work towards a goal, a home and a job. Some days are just overwhelming.