Difficulty dealing with mother who won't respect my/husband's boundaries

[d0wie]

 My mother's relationship with me has been rocky since I got married 3 years ago, and has been particularly strained over the last 6 months or so.   It has significantly worsened as I make my boundaries known, and she would not respect them and keep pushing me to do what she wants.  For example she has teamed up with my brother to tell me false outing plans to test how I would respond as she thought I was being “difficult” (when actually I was pregnant and so limited in what I could do).  She has also rallied in my relatives, and together challenged my husband in public over a decision she wasn’t happy with.  This really infuriated my husband.  The absolute last straw for him was when my mother called his mother an old person (translated loosely from Cantonese, but in its context was said with a negative connotation) despite my mum being older than her anyway, when she found out she was preparing postpartum soups for me and was likely jealous of this.  And on top of all this, she talks behind our backs to my brother, and has said she feels like my husband has “stolen” me away because I stand up for my own boundaries now, unlike when I was younger. 

I am now at a point where I am unable to move on from the hurt from various incidents.  I have tried speaking to her, but this is futile as she constantly says the fault is mine - "You're crazy", "you're over thinking things", "you only think the worst of your mum", "it didn't happen in that way" and I feel like I've been gaslit big time.  She has recently said to me ‘blood is thicker than water’ to try and tell me to let go of all the things that happen within our family, but I am sick of being a doormat all my life.  She occasionally also guilt trips me by saying “I won’t have long to live”, “I miss the old you” and speak about all the great things she did for me in my younger days.  My husband also feels like he has put up with her for long enough. He has always been respectful to her, even though she can be difficult to deal with.  But when she's unhappy with something, she lashes out at him/his family, and he's had enough. 

To protect my mental health, I have distanced myself from her.  But is this the only approach to this?  Am I in the wrong for standing up for myself and my husband?  I still love my mum and I don’t want our relationship to be this way, but at the same time I don’t know what else I can do, if anything.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What you are enduring is very close to what I've had most of my life. I'm 69yo and had my mother tell me when she was 45yo, when I was 21yo that she wont live a long life. She is today 93yo!. We have been estranged for 14 years and I have zero intention of ever seeing her. 

Sadly 3 years ago I also stop communicating with my younger sister when she did the exact same actions as mother did. Both, all their lives have been mistreating people- so what have they done that is similar to your mother?

Triangulation and manipulation are words I describe people that cannot keep conversations between two people but worse- they try to alienate others to create harm. eg my mother spread lies about me to family members and around 30% believed them and I havent heard from them since regardless of sending messages. These people I kind of feel sorry for as she is an extremely powerful person, very convincing.

I was a good son to my widowed mother, paint her unit out mount clothes lines, landscape, however I was never good enough. That is a big problem because in order to resist any mental health issues stemming from low self esteem you dont need undue criticism from a parent. You therefore need to develop a strength you dont naturally have as standing your ground isnt easy. 

Eventually a friend advised me to google - queen, witch, hermit, waif.  It's 4 personalities from a Dr Christine Lawson from her book "walking on eggshells". The 4 traits are linked and some only have 2 or 3 but my mother certainly has 4 and when they wont seek out any mental illness testing you are on your own to guess what they might have. I suggest you google that it might help.

So my mother would, upon having an argument resort to - ringing my boss at work to disclose inflamed details of our disagreement hoping I'll get sacked, threaten to change her will to cut me out, but one of the most hurtful actions was as I was a 10yo child. We'd have an argument in the morning, we'd recover but when dad drove up the driveway she would rush to the front door with tears falling telling him I'd been horrible all day. He'd belt me. That is the actions of a "waif". Someone that fills others with their stories so they have a supporter or even use them as a weapon. Dad and I had a great relationship, he was wonderful so growing up I held her responsible. See where I'm coming from?

So your husband can more easily break relations with your mother. It is more difficult for you but drifting away is a good move if you can sustain that especially if you can put on a happy face and phone tone as if there is nothing wrong. That way she gets frustrated but you can live more content at least having slight contact. I couldnt do that.

So how far will the "witch" go as in the character? Well my mother ruined my 1st wedding in 1985 and in 2011 6 weeks from my 2nd marriage she threatened to ruin that one. I had to get a court order to stop her attending and thats the extent you might have to go if she steps way over the line.

Gaslighting, denials etc are all part of the arsenal some people can use at their disposal. The only thing you can do is limit contact or have faith in yourself and your husband that it is no way to live when treatment like this is dished out. 

"Love for a parent can exist even when there is no liking them, it's inground. But you need to like them to include them in your life if you crave harmony"

Reply anytime, I hope I've helped

TonyWK