Lost, Confused, Is it supposed to be this hard
Hello I am new to this, please forgive me if I rant. Don’t really know where to start.
I was diagnosed with depression many years ago. I have been on medication for about 2 - 3 years. I feel the medication does help, but I still lapse into the dark place from time to time and struggle to pull myself out of it.
7 months ago, I had to take a job away from home and only spend 3 days with family out of 21. At the start of the job I lost my father to illness in the first week and became very depressed. I felt in the last 4 months I had come good and things were going ok. On my last break at home, some thing happened and I snapped and lost my cool with my 15 year old daughter, I humiliated her in front of her boyfriend and family. I knew when I was yelling at her that I was doing the wrong think but kept going. I have never before yelled at her like this, she is my princess. I immediately went to that dark place and could not pull myself out. Had arduement with wife, to be told she has had enough and they all felt I didn’t like coming home to them. We are now looking to go our separate ways and it’s breaking my heart. I think I am getting through ok, and then told by the ones I love nothings changed. I love my wife dearly, she is my sole mate, but I have put her through hell for many years and my heart tells me I should let her go because I am hurting her to much.
I feel very alone and lost, I have no one to talk to. I am sick of feeling this way, I have made many mistakes in my life and still paying for them. The thought of loosing my family is to much to bear. Is life supposed to be this hard!!!! I’m over it.
You can always talk to us here...anytime you like and as much or as little as you like. We are listening...
I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your father. That must have been (must still) be very painful. That said, I understand everyone grieves differently so far be it for me to tell you how to feel...though I imagine it must have been devastating.
You must be feeling heartbroken about the whole family situation. Your wife sounds like she was your everything. As you said, you love her dearly...going your separate ways would hurt beyond what I can comprehend.
I have no advice or wisdom to impart but I am listening. You’re not alone in your pain if nothing else...I feel your pain and loss through your words.
Kind and gentle thoughts,