Welcome and thankyou for posting with us!
From what you have posted you are being 'told' how to conduct yourself and that isnt a healthy place to be in.
Its interesting that your husband is blaming you for neglecting his hurt. With all respect to your husbands pain your own health and well being is paramount. I understand your pain as I have had depression (under management & meds) for approx 20 years and have learned not to blame the partner I used to have
Can I ask if your husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression? Your husbands focus (like my own) would be best directed at his depression. To redirect his depression towards you if failing to face his own responsibilities/his own health
I am sorry that you miscarried after what has happened and also for your husband's loss too.
Please continue to post as there are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Deemar
The forums are a SAFE and judgement free place for you
my kind thoughts for you
Welcome here. You sound in a bad situation and I'm not surprised you are seeking other people's perspectives. The situation you set it out seems on the surface to be a no-win one. You have views of how your husband should behave to bear an equal load in the partnership, and he seems to be concentrating upon his feelings and not being very practical.
First off I'd have to say when I've been depressed I've not been practical, I've felt things were pointless and behaved accordingly. I've also been angry and resentful, however in some ways that has not been an accusatory thing, just raw emotion. Feeling I was a failure and never able to succeed was part of the mix too. If anything I accused myself, not others.
I have improved immensely, and that has come about very largely due to medical support with medications and therapy, plus the support of my first partner.
Looking in from the outside I would think your husband needs the same, competent medical care. Do you mind saying if he is under treatment at the moment? If not then I'd suggest he should be encouraged, if not by you then someone else with influence on him. If he is already then perhaps his treatments should be reviewed.
I can also see that the death of his sister and most probably your miscarriage will have tended to bring him down a lot.
OK having talked about you husband, and a possible avenue to make things better I'm concerned about you. It is a heartbreaking thing to have a miscarriage, my first wife had one and it did make a huge difference to her from then on - and me. Having anxiety as well will make things that much harder, as will not feeling as one with his family.
Being abused, blamed, threaten with leaving, and having things thrown around is no way for anyone to live and I'd think you were wise to move away, at least for now. May I ask if you have anyone to support you? Trying to cope with all this on your own is terribly hard and I do hope you have family or a friend to hopefully stay with and lean on.
Do you mind if I ask what you would hope for for the future? Getting back together if things could be worked out, or would you prefer to remain separated?