Depressed husband

Deemar · ‎22-06-2018

My husband lost his sister to cancer 6 months. One prior to his sister passing, I miscarried at 6 weeks. We've always had ups and downs. My husband has always suffered depression before our 2 years of marriage and 7 year relationship. He had self esteem issues and hard on himself. We met at work and he is my first relationship. I too suffer from anxiety and it was hard for me to meet people. I found comfort with him as he is a really nice person and I thought we could move past his depression and my anxiety and make our relationship work. I had to work hard in our marriage and took on the responsibilities of setting up our finances and admin, our home and routine. I wasn't close to his immediate family and often felt they didn't approve of me. I also felt his parents enabled his lack of responsibility and being on top of things as they babied him too much. I felt I had to train him to be the husband I needed. In the process of doing this my husband said I neglected him and his feelings. I never spoke to him about his depression and when his sister passed he feels I haven't supported him enough. He blames me for everything, tells me I've done nothing to help him, he yells at me and swears at me when I do something to upset me, he throws things in frustration and threatens to leave if I don't change. We are currently separated because I couldn't cope with his abuse and blame. He tells me that each day I'm away the worse it gets. I've tried explaining how his behaviour hurts me but he tells me I keep neglecting his hurt and emphasise only my own. We get no where. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty for leaving him yet it's for me to go back to him constantly blaming me. I've tried explaining this to him but there is no reasoning. He told me the other day he is going to resign from his job. I asked him how he planned on paying the mortgage and he got mad at me as my focus should have been on his depression nor the mortgage. Any advise of what to do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

blondguy · ‎22-06-2018

Hello Deemar

Welcome and thankyou for posting with us!

From what you have posted you are being 'told' how to conduct yourself and that isnt a healthy place to be in.

Its interesting that your husband is blaming you for neglecting his hurt. With all respect to your husbands pain your own health and well being is paramount. I understand your pain as I have had depression (under management & meds) for approx 20 years and have learned not to blame the partner I used to have

Can I ask if your husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression? Your husbands focus (like my own) would be best directed at his depression. To redirect his depression towards you if failing to face his own responsibilities/his own health

I am sorry that you miscarried after what has happened and also for your husband's loss too.

Please continue to post as there are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Deemar

The forums are a SAFE and judgement free place for you

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Croix · ‎23-06-2018

Dear Deemar~

Welcome here. You sound in a bad situation and I'm not surprised you are seeking other people's perspectives. The situation you set it out seems on the surface to be a no-win one. You have views of how your husband should behave to bear an equal load in the partnership, and he seems to be concentrating upon his feelings and not being very practical.

First off I'd have to say when I've been depressed I've not been practical, I've felt things were pointless and behaved accordingly. I've also been angry and resentful, however in some ways that has not been an accusatory thing, just raw emotion. Feeling I was a failure and never able to succeed was part of the mix too. If anything I accused myself, not others.

I have improved immensely, and that has come about very largely due to medical support with medications and therapy, plus the support of my first partner.

Looking in from the outside I would think your husband needs the same, competent medical care. Do you mind saying if he is under treatment at the moment? If not then I'd suggest he should be encouraged, if not by you then someone else with influence on him. If he is already then perhaps his treatments should be reviewed.

I can also see that the death of his sister and most probably your miscarriage will have tended to bring him down a lot.

OK having talked about you husband, and a possible avenue to make things better I'm concerned about you. It is a heartbreaking thing to have a miscarriage, my first wife had one and it did make a huge difference to her from then on - and me. Having anxiety as well will make things that much harder, as will not feeling as one with his family.

Being abused, blamed, threaten with leaving, and having things thrown around is no way for anyone to live and I'd think you were wise to move away, at least for now. May I ask if you have anyone to support you? Trying to cope with all this on your own is terribly hard and I do hope you have family or a friend to hopefully stay with and lean on.

Do you mind if I ask what you would hope for for the future? Getting back together if things could be worked out, or would you prefer to remain separated?

Croix