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Lost and overwhelmed

S90
Community Member
I've been married for 10 years and with my husband almost 15years.
I thought everything was falling into place with all our dreams and hard work coming true. We have 2 children and bought our first house and I also had 2 full time job offers. One night coming home from work at 9.30pm we sat up chatted and headed of to bed. I grabbed his phone to place on charge and it went off. I found out he had been on Grinder and chatting to a guy. His profile stated bicuriouse wife doesn't know. He had shared nude photos with this guy but to make it all worse decided to send photos of myself to. I lost the plot. I spent 3 days in bed crying confused and on medication because I just wanted to sleep it all felt like a bad dream. I kicked him out for a week and he has gone to counselling himself and said he has no more feelings towards men and he just wanted to see what they thought of him.
I'm trying my hardest to move past everything and remember all the good times but I'm so broken and I don't trust home. My mind wanders down bad paths as I'm scared to be happy always thinking the worst. I loved him so much and still do but I'm so scared that it is all going to fall apart in front of my eyes.
2 Replies 2

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear S90~

The first thing I want to do is welcome you here and say I'm sorry you have had to wait so long for a response. Please be assured it is not you, or the subject of your post, but just that sometimes the system simply does not work as well as we might like.

OK, you are in a horrible position where what seemed stable and firm suddenly changed, your partner was not the person you thought you knew. Trust has been broken and the inclusion of images of yourself is very disturbing. (As an aside the only reason that comes to mind is he was considering inviting someone else to join the pair of you, maybe I'm assuming too much there, I'm guessing)

I think from your words there is still love in you for him, but naturally you are very frightened that something similar many happen again, or that his feelings for you are not what you always thought they were.

I've no idea more than you if this was a one-off thing, a feeling of curiosity as he says, or something else. I guess you have to look at him with fresh eyes and try to see the real person. If it was me I'd have two overriding thoughts (which does sound a bit cold-blooded, however you do have to decide what to do).

First I'd look back on that 15 years and see if he has been kind and considerate, a person who has stood by you in hard times, a real and consistent support. This rather than just being there becuse you needed someone - sorry, I'm being a bit blunt. I suspect after 15 years if you are still at the stage of talking about things and chatting as you retire for the night there is genuine closeness.

The other is why, and why now? This may not be straightforward. True - he may have found intimacy with you was not all he felt there was - it is easy to feel inadequate after all. Equally it might be something completely unrelated, reaching an age where life's possibilities are narrowing down, a hassle at work or something entirely else.

Please don't think I'm trying to excuse or minimize the breach of trust, just listing some of the things you might consider. To build back that trust would be a very lengthy thing, and difficult. I'm not sure it is impossible though, I guess it depends on how genuine he is.

Do you have family or a friend to be your support in this? it does help. You are welcome here anytime

Croix

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear S90

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's good you have found this forum and feel able to post here for support.

I cannot imagine how devastating it must have been to discover how your husband has been behaving. I can imagine how difficult it will be to rebuild your marriage if you decide this is possible. There has been a huge loss of trust and feeling of betrayal.

I do agree with everything Croix has written and especially if there is someone you can talk to. Sometimes it's better to be with someone you can trust and let out all your feelings. If you do not want to let any of your family and friends know about this but want to talk, perhaps you can contact the beyondblue 24/7 helpline. 1300 22 4636. Or talk to someone from Relationships Australia. Their web address is https://www.relationships.org.au/ and you can find your nearest centre from there.

Perhaps go alone at first and discuss having joint sessions with your husband later. It's good he has chosen to go to counselling. It will take for both of you to heal so do not get too upset if it appears nothing is happening. Even if you decide not to stay together I suggest you have some counselling to help you make the decision and help you move on.

Please continue to write in here if it is helpful. We are always here though not necessarily immediately.

Mary