I'm considering sex with strangers after the guy I loved called me fat..
My self-esteem wasn't always this bad, I knew I was on the heavier side but that didn't always bother me so much. Anyways I was talking to this guy I was deeply in love with but we began to argue all the time and things were just dwindling. Long story short he sort of jokingly called me fat except he wasn't really joking and asked me why I was being weird when he 'loved it'. I've known this guy for over a year, I know his tastes in women and I know he doesn't like fat girls, he told me that himself during a conversation once, but I hadn't thought it applied to me because I wasn't as heavy as those women I figured he meant and we never had a problem being sexual with each other.
I started crying after the conversation was over and started hating my body and feeling unattractive and embarrassed at being called fat, it's not like I had gained weight since we met so it made my skin crawl when I realised that he had always found my weight to be repulsive but hadn't said anything sooner. Its been months since this conversation happened and I've since separated from him but to this very day I still feel scarred by that comment and have begun to feel like having sex with different men (some from work, some from mutual friends and basically any guy that looks my way with interest). Knowing that all these guys find me attractive makes me feel desirable and I think I'm getting addicted to the attention I'm getting because of how low my self-esteem is. I feel myself growing increasingly shallow and vain, all I want from men is sex and all I spend my money and time on is make up, hair, nails, clothes etc and I get terrified at the thought of getting emotionally intimate with guys. I believe I'm inherently unloveable and that if I can't have an emotional connection with men I can replace it with a physical connection. I realise how unhealthy this is but I just can't help but want to do reckless things with men and this isn't like me at all, I know if I do end up doing these things I will later regret it in life but right now I just don't trust myself not to try anything stupid with men.
It also doesn't help to be told I'm beautiful or that I'm not fat because I know that's not true, people say things to be nice and I just hate it. I'm going to the gym and dieting a lot lately to try and fix this problem but until I achieve that dream I feel like I'm going to succumb to the next guy I see and it's making me cry.
I’m so glad you wrote and welcome to this forum . I want to first of all share my experience with you and see how it may help you. To put it briefly I come out of a toxic affair and when I left it..I felt so crappy about myself . My whole being ...just my self worth got shot down .It wasn’t my weight ..it wasn’t my looks ...it was just me and my head . The things I was telling myself.
And yes the attention I receive from all the guys were awesome but something within me wasn’t quite right . I still felt empty . The fact that you are aware that it isn’t you and that sleeping around casually isn’t your thing . Please dont do it .
Sometimes when people in our lives let us down ...we have to take it upon ourselves to show ourselves love....with or without them .
I remember when I felt so low...I realise i was seeking outside of myself to keep me fulfilled inside . When the truth is I should be looking inwards.
I did a stack of dance therapy ...just on my own ...telling myself I am worthy and I am awesome . And you are right in saying ...you dont want to hear other people saying you are beautiful and thats very true ...because we (both you and I ) have to learn to change our internal speech...what we say to ourselves ...every day in the morning ...when we look in the mirror.
I specifically like Meghan Trainor and her funny and catchy songs . Particularly the song ‘“Me Too” so I encourage to listen to it and break out in a dance all of your own ..and now the Latest “SO am I “ by AVA max.
Get happy PrincessMilktea...it is within you . And you just need to tap into that . Positive Reinforcements within our heads is a very powerful tool . I hope these tips help.
look up tips on Self Love therapy on youtube ...so much on internet you can do with.
I hope you find your journey ...please keep writing ...stay well
Welcome back, I read your thread from a couple of years ago and frankly you are out of my league on philosophy, Mary was the person to converse on an equal level with you on that.
Instead I'll quote you "you can't always reason with your emotions no matter how irrational they may be"
I guess I'll have to try a little bit of reason anyway, I doubt you are as heavy or as un-glamorous as you currently think, it would have been mentioned before. Instead a doubt has been inflated into huge proportions by remarks designed to hurt or belittle - which they certainly succeeded in doing. As your relationship broke down that doubt fell on fertile ground.
You took it one stage further, deciding you were unlovable.
So you are reacting to him, and you know it. Anger would be a better solution.
That's the end of the logic. So what's left? As someone looking at you from an outside perspective I fear for you.
I believe you are contemplating a sort of self-harm, and one that will leave you each morning less happy, more desperate, more frightened, feeling worse than you do now. A spiral. Each time you change partners you may feel less lovable.
There are people in the world who look at the person inside, who can care and love. You are as likely as anyone to find such a person, and while it my not answer your philosophical questions, can end up a goal in itself, a life with happiness and security, cherishing and being cherished
Would you want to have brought yourself so far down you could not recognize and respond to such a person? Not becuse you had slept with others, but because doing that seemed a confirmation of lack of self-worth.
You talked before of obtaining medication to assist you, now would be an ideal time to see a doctor and talk things over, it is a reasonable action, I'm not at all sure your current plans are.
Feel free to disagree, to say relationships are not an end in themselves, or whatever you feel, I'd welcome your return