Lost and no one to talk to

[Herms]

Hi there,

It's my first time asking for help online. I don't even know if it will help but here goes.

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I'm from Melbourne, she lives in Spain. I've been travelling back and forth to be with her. Last time I was there for a month was back in March 2017 - and we both agreed that next time i should be there for at least 90 days.

I just got here (Spain) 2 weeks ago with the intention of staying for 3 months but already things are going downhill. We already had a fight yesterday and she said some really hurtful things to me. Even though we have already made peace since then, I still can't get over the things she said to me and now I feel unwelcome here. I feel like I'm interfering with her life as opposed to being part of it. Her attitude was already off for the past week before the fight - silent, moping around the place when she's usually bubbly and full of energy with everyone else. This makes me feel even more unwelcome.

I have other problems to deal with (financial, mostly) and so does she. But I'm starting to wonder whether she is really someone I should pursue a relationship with. All I want is someone to settle down and start a family with. She told me the same but from what I'm seeing she's mostly interested in partying with her friends and wasting her days tanning on the beach - even though she is also going through financial troubles.

I really don't know who to talk to or what to do next. I have no friends here in Spain and I don't even speak Spanish. This makes me feel even more isolated. My instincts tell me to get on the first plane out of here and never return but I don't want to make the wrong decision.

Thanks for listening/reading. If anyone has any word of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Herms

[White_Rose]

Hello Herms

Welcome to the forum. We are here to help and support people who are having difficulty with their lives.

Can you tell me how you have been corresponding with each other while you are in Melbourne. I wonder if you use Skype because it allows you to see the other person. The reason I am asking this is I wonder if you had noticed any change in your GF behaviour and attitude towards you just lately.

Do you have a job? I wonder how you can take so much time off work and if that is what is impacting on your finances. I do not have much financial skill so cannot give much advice other than only spending what you have in the bank, not using credit cards or borrowing from friends or institutions. It sounds pretty boring I know.

Where did you meet your GF? Were you on holiday somewhere.

Can you phone your parents or other family members? Only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship. Are you thinking your GF has changed her mind about you? Perhaps you should ask. There's not much point in remaining in Spain if your GF does not want to be with you. Long distance romances are always fighting an uphill battle. You don't get to see each other in an ordinary setting as you would leaving in the same area as each other. Because you see each other for a short time it is more like a holiday and therefore difficult to get to know each other in an ordinary way.

I don't have the skills to advise you on whether to return home immediately or not. If you are unhappy and feel the relationship cannot be saved I think you will have answered you own question. Talk to your GF about both of your expectations from each other. Listen carefully and think if this is what you want.

Is there a possibility that the GF would travel to Melbourne? This may be a good option instead of you going to Spain all the time.

Please continue to write in here if it helps. I'm sure other folk will be along to talk to you. I would like to know how you are going if that's alright.

Mary

[Herms]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply.

We met over a year ago when we were both on holiday. We dated for a bit and decide I would visit her in Spain a few months after. That's when we decided that we really liked each other and we wanted to start a relationship together. We text each other everyday and we used to catch up on skype at least once a week - although the skype sessions stopped about a month or two ago mostly because of her work commitments at the time. But we do call each other almost everyday.

I quit my job earlier this year to start my own online business. It's something I always wanted to do - not a decision that was based on this relationship. Like with any other business it takes a lot of effort to set up but I'm not stressed about it. Ironically, I'm more stressed about my relationship with her...

The plan was for her to join me in Melbs after my current stay in Spain but i don't think she can afford it at the moment.

But overall it's the lifestyle differences that really worry me. The main reason we're together is because we supposedly both want to settle down but from what I'm seeing her actions say differently. Plus she surrounds herself with friends who have a bad influence on her in my opinion.

But you're right I probably need to talk to her and ask her if she still wants me around or not. It will be a very difficult conversation but there's no way around it.

Many thanks,

Herms