Lost and confused with my BF
First time writing here or any place like this.. can’t really ask for advice from family and friends..
so here it goes.. I’m not sure...
recently my BF & I had VC. He was at his bosses place and they’ve had a few drinks. While he was on the phone he had left his room and returned with his boss (he says they are close) and he has been living with him for a few months. He is moving out so was showing his boss how empty the room was and that he had packed all his stuff.
before you knew it his boss tackled him onto the bed and they were carrying on like little kids, on top of each other 🤷🏽♀️all the while I was still on video chat and could see and hear everything.
I kept quiet until I saw my BF end up on top of his boss.. his boss said a comment “can’t feel anything” to which my BF said “it’s not in yet”
I piped and said WTH are you doing? He responds sleeping on my boss..
they were both drunk & I hung up.
He called and I didn’t as wet and sent a message saying him and his boss were just playing around and they’re relationship is brother to the brother.
im now at loss as to whether my so called BF maybe gay/bi? Or am I jumping to conclusions because of what I saw unfold and cannot unsee it?
he keeps saying no he isn’t gay or likes boys etc but I’m not sure if that’s entirely true or if it’s just me now putting up my walls?
I can’t also talk to him about when he’s sober because it turns into an argument with myself being made the blame
hi and welcome to beyond blue.
Sorry that I don't have any real answer/reply for you. Your post raised more questions for me. 😞
my initial thoughts were... you saw your partner in the middle of suspect behaviour and attempts to talk him turn into argument? And inhibitions can be reduced when drunk. Would you consider this cheating?
I guess you would be heartbroken, angry, confused (?) about the whole situation. And I think the one thing you are looking for is honesty. And your feeling you cannot talk to anyone else probably means the thoughts are running your mind non-stop.
Drunk or not, if he did as you say, there appears to be a lack of respect. Perhaps he forgot you were on the phone as well? No excuse.
Supposing he said he was not gay/bi, how would this need to be demonstrated as his words are contradicted by his previous actions?
I don't want to push you in one direction or the other... what are your thought and feelings about what you saw?
I hope you will come back and chat some more. Please do not feel compelled to answer these questions - perhaps more for self reflection. Listening to you...
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think in all I’m more confused about the situation and yes wanting honesty.
Both were intoxicated but it isn’t an excuse. I’m left wondering with the What if I didn’t speak up when I did? And cease the call when I did? Would it had gotten further?
This is the first time I’ve seen both of them act like this & when I spoke up it felt like I had interrupted them & was given the whole ‘we were just mucking around, brother to brother’
There was a similar situation where gossip involving both of them circulated in their place of work, that it had even gotten to the point of a post being posted on social media. By a former employee calling them out that they are in a relationship behind doors. This former employee back tracked their post and said it was because he was drunk. When this happened my BF took leave from work and went to his family because he was blasted on social media.
With everything that’s happened and what I saw and cannot unsee I’m confused, lost. I know I won’t get an answer from him but he is adamant he isn’t but his actions contradict his words. I’m lost if it’s just me jumping to conclusions expecting him to say yes he is gay/bi or whether he is in fact not
Thankypu for writing in.
I do agree with Smallwood on this.
Also I'd most definitely extend your relationship with your BF without defiant plans, in effect more time to get to know him better. In time you'll know if this skylarking is common for his personality or that he is gay.
You can then make up your mind as to your future.
Take a deep breath and get to know him more deeply.
I'd like to join Tim in welcoming you here and am sorry you have had to face this situation. As he says being heartbroken, angry and confused is how I'd feel.
Having read your post carefully I think the thing that most worries me for your future is the fact your BF turned it around and placed the blame on you. This is of course completely unjustified and would I imagine become the answer to all future arguments. If that went on long enough you might well start to doubt yourself. This is called Gaslighting and is used as a means to deceive or control.
The second thing the worries me greatly is the prevalence of alcohol both during the incident but also the fact you can only talk to him "when he is sober", which implies he drinks a lot. Becoming involved with an alcoholic is the start of a hard road that very often ends in greif.
Now the original question, is he gay or bi. You know perfectly well what you saw and heard, and personally I cannot think of any other meaning under the circumstances for those words other than sexual intimacy, conducted with an inhibition due to alcohol, forgetting you were still on the phone for the same reason
Talk of brothers seems to be to be a weak effort at explaining away matters.
From a practical point of view now the seed is planted in your mind can you think of anything that would make it go away, now or in 30 years time?
I'm sorry if I appear to be taking a negative view. If you intend to have a long term relationship with anyone it really does have to be based on mutual respect, confidence in the other and truth as well as affection.
As you can see I have been as worried about gaslighting and alcoholism which you only mention in passing as about his sexual orientation and telling the truth.
Do you think anything I've said above is unreasonable or improbable?