Looking for advice.

[anon23]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and have been struggling more and more each day. When we first started dating I use to snoop his phone and see him messaging other girls “missing their body”, etc. when I would mention it he would deny it and cry and say it was a mistake on his phone. I’d let it go. This has repeatedly happened and each time he has denied it. I have seen him love other girls photos, request pages on instagram of half naked girls, liking their content. It made me uncomfortable and I asked him to stop and he said he would. I would still se he had been doing it. One day I got super bad anxiety he was doing more things behind my back when I found a secret email linked to his normal email account and mobile phone. He had joined onlyfans, pornhub, and had a Snapchat account I was not aware of. I broke down I confronted him and he denied it all. I logged into the Snapchat account using the number of that was linked showing him it was linked to his mobile… where multiple girls names popped up. I looked at the blocked list with all his family members had been blocked. He denied it was his. I showed him the onlyfans. He denied it, as he did to the pornhub account. I sadly felt worthless and disgusting. I then found myself being unable to eat and went to the gym multiple times where I had lost 15kilos. I spoke to him multiple times regarding how it made me feel, he would cry and deny it and I would comfort him, we would make up thinking it would all stop. Weeks past and I would see once again porn in his history or following cheerleading pages on FB for everyone to see. He says he has a low sex drive and is always tired but then I see all this behind my back… 

Last week I discovered more porn behind my back and confronted him where he denied it again. I feel so lost and confused of what to do. He is a nice guy to me and my family. And I do feel a lot for him but I can’t seem to move past this. I am really struggling mentally with this. I feel depressed like I want to sleep all the time my grades at uni have lowered and I feel worthless. I am scared to leave because of the house, we have animals, etc. 

At the moment I am living with my sister as I told him I need space for a while. I would love any advice I am really struggling. Thank you. 

[Juliet_84]

“I can’t seem to move past this” - I don’t blame you anon23, your partner has been incredibly dishonest to you and broken your trust into smithereens. Not only that but he has shown himself time and time again to be capable of flat out lying to you despite concrete evidence, that is a huge red flag. How can you ever trust what he says, his first inclination even when faced with irrefutable evidence is to lie, which suggest a lack of integrity of his character. It’s a shame that you are the one who feels sad and worthless when it should really be him. Only you can decide what you will and won’t put up with, but I will say that these things rarely resolve on their own. More often than not you will need to decide whether this is something you can put up with long-term as he has been continuing this behaviour for quite some time despite the obvious negative effects it’s having on the relationship (ie he is prioritizing it over you which suggests an addiction of some sort). Based on how you are feeling as a result of his behaviour, I would question whether he is in fact a “nice guy” to you.