Lonliness

[Lonelymum4]

This is my first time here so I’m feeling pretty anxious.

I am a single mum of 3 dependent kids and I have been with my current partner for 3 years.

I have a secure job and my kids are good kids but busy with their own lives.

My partner has his kids 50%.

Like everyone, life has thrown me some crap over the years but I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have no other family and only a couple of good friends.

Lately I have been feeling so lonely and alone, I feel like I have no purpose other than to wash, cook and clean, I feel invisible in my own life. Some days it is hard just to get out of bed, I mean what’s the purpose in that?

My kids live with me full time. They are of the ages where they don’t want to bother with me (& yet seem more than happy to spend time with their dad, which I’m happy about but it also hurts) and sometimes I feel like I’m in a shared care arrangement with my partner.

I’m not really sure why I am posting this, I guess I just needed to say it out loud in a safe space where I won’t be judged, hoping it might lift a weight off my shoulders a bit, I’m not really sure.

[sunnyl20]

I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling. Loneliness can be such a difficult and painful experience, and there is often a lot of stigma around it. I think it is really brave and honest that you have been able to acknowledge what you're feeling and to post - while you may feel lonely, you are definitely not alone in your experience. You are right, it can really help to write these things out and get them off your chest to externalise them, even just a little bit. 

From what you have described, it sounds like you feel disconnected from those around you. Is it possible to maybe schedule some time with your kids or your good friends to reconnect and share a meal or something like that?

If you do feel that you are struggling to enjoy anything though, it may be worth chatting with your GP or someone you trust about how you have been feeling. It can really help to talk to someone face-to-face who may be able to help you work through what has changed and what has been happening for you.

Thank you again for posting and please do not hesitate to reach out as and when you wish - we are here to listen and offer support. 

Take care. 

[Richju]

Hi Lonelymum4,

Thank you for posting an issue that I feel many mums can relate to. As our kids grow and need us less, it's not unusual for a mum to feel that, after all the work she has put in, their kids don't seem to care about them any more.

I'm sure this is not the case.

You sound very sensitive and caring and I wonder how much care you have given to yourself over the years. Do you have hobbies that you'd like to pick up or can you join a hobby class, where you might meet new people? How much do you pamper yourself with a nice warm scented bath or a new hairdo?

How about putting yourself first for once? Maybe you could suggest that the kids or your partner could do the cooking once in a while so you can put your feet up and enjoy a good book or movie? What about a date night with your partner? 

I think that once you begin to make changes, thinking of yourself will encourage the other family members to take notice and realise that you still need their affection.

I hope this has been helpful and that you will continue to post to let us know how you are going. Alternatively, if these suggestions don't work for you, perhaps we could investigate other avenues.

Warmest regards,

Richju (a very old Mum) xxxx

[therising]

Hi Lonelymum4

My heart truly goes out to you as you face what feels so challenging in so many ways. As a wife and mum of 2 kids (20 and 18), there are days where I wish someone would show up at my front door while proclaiming 'I'm here to help you make sense of everything you're feeling and observing while showing you the clear way forward'. How much harder is it, trying to work all that stuff out for our self? At times, it can be so time consuming, confusing, lonely and even depressing to some degree (depending on the situation).

If you're the raiser of others, raising their spirits, their level consciousness/awareness, their imagination, sense of wonder and so much more, the question is 'Who's raising you in all these ways and more?'. Who raises the raiser when they're down or feeling challenged? I've found raisers are typically sensitive people, with the ability to sense or feel when someone needs raising and support in some way. They just feel the need. Call it intuition, coupled with a good heart.

I think one of the challenges with being sensitive is you can sense just about everything for others but can't necessarily get a good sense of things for yourself. While it's easy to sense romance when it's there or sense excitement when it's there or sense service or consideration when it's there (like on mother's day), it can be hard to sense what's not there, if that makes sense. I've found, in this case, it becomes a matter of getting a feel for what's lacking. Be warned: This can be a triggering exercise. Kinda like 'Let me get a feel for romance. Hmmm, not there. Let me get a feel for respect. Can only feel an ounce of it. Let me get a feel for anyone in my life who's guiding me in brilliant ways while raising my conscious through mind altering, inspiring and liberating revelations that make my heart and soul sing. What the heck? Where are those people in my life? I have no sense of them'🤔. In summary, it can feel like an almost soul destroying lack of service at times. Grrr.

Do you think there could be a developing need to serve yourself in new ways or a need to demand that others serve you in similar ways to how you serve them? Do the people around you need a wake up call of some kind? Are they not conscious of what you are conscious of? Btw, when I was younger I used to dream of becoming more enlightened, more conscious, believing it would be some zen-like glowing purely joyful experience. What I found was it can be tough going, becoming more conscious. While it's liberating in a lot of ways and tends to grow you beyond who you once were, waking up to what can feel depressing at times is definitely challenging. I figure, if we never woke up then nothing would change. 🙂❤️