Long Term Relationship Ending, Seeking Help

[jimmy16]

Hi,

This is the first time i have posted on here and the first time i have really ever shared anything with anyone other than my partner.

I am early 30's & have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for just over 6 years (lived together for 5). The time together has been better than average, hardly any fighting & we always talk about how we feel. She recently moved about 4 hours away from were we live to further her career. She has always been very career orientated so i fully understood why she had to leave.Things were good for the first few months, i would visit her on weekends and she would visit me. I have always put everything i have into making our relationship work and because she has moved and started a new job in a new place it's hard for her to reciprocate this effort.

I started to put things in place to move down to her and find a new job to make it easier on us both. Then she told me the relationship was not working and she didn't want to be with me anymore because she feels it's unfair to me and her career is the most important thing at the moment. We are best friends and have decided to end it in a couple of months to work through things together and remain friends, plus our families our very close and think we would be together for ever.

it has been about a month since we decided to call it off and lately i have been really struggling to deal with it all, in my mind there was no doubt she was the one i wanted to be with forever & i thought she felt the same. I fully trust her but i have been cheated on in the past and my mind keeps reverting to her being unfaithful, she is renting a room off a guy in his 30's who owns the house she is living in. When i have been down to visit her we stay in other accommodation because she says she feels uncomfortable and awkward to bring another guy to her place of rent when the other guy that lives there actually owns the house and sort of makes all the rules. This particular situation does not sit with me very well and i feel as though she's hiding me or something from me. She assures me this is not the case and she is 100% the most trust worthy person i know i just cant get this out of my head.

This is just one example of how my mind spirals out of control and i constantly feel there must be more to this than she is telling me.

She is a really kind, caring person and i don't want to lose her but i know i have to let her go.

I have no idea where to go from here and just really need some help

[Doolhof]

Hi Jimmy16,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. I'm sorry to read your story, it must be really hard for you not fully knowing the reasons for the separation or not being able to accept what your girlfriend has told you. Who wants to accept a relationship has come to an end?

It is not easy to let people we love leave us, be it in a relationship, through illness or death or any other reason.

Maybe the living situation is as she has explained, I am wondering if it is worth hurting yourself with second guessing if you are going to be apart anyway.

It is difficult to let people go. Do you think you will be able to cope with being friends or would a total separation be best?

Do you have friends you can go out with to help you through this difficult time? Being alone when we feel low and disappointed can just allow our minds to take over in a world of negativity.

It does sound like she is very career orientated, maybe even if you had moved to be closer to her, the situation would be the same if she is pursuing her dreams.

Looking after yourself in all of this is important. Be aware if you feel like you are sliding too far down the slippery pole. Reach out to people as you have done here. Keep in contact with family and friends as much as possible.

Hope this helps a little. Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Jimmy16,

I too want to welcome you to forum and for having written a very honest and moving post.

I am sure many people reading your post you will be able to relate to what you have written.

relationship are tricky at any age and the pain when they end is so hard to cope with.

Mrs Dool, has written a very help and support reply to you. I do not want to repeat what she has said.

I just wanted to say you are not alone.

I think asking questions and being suspicious of your partner or her living arrangement will cause you heartache.

When I was teaching in a small town I stayed with a teacher in her house. When my partner came on every 2 nd weekend we would stay at a local motel. I think that makes a lot of sense.

If you are finding it difficult to distract your negative thoughts, maybe you could think about talking to friends or maybe even a counsellor.

Not sure if that helped

Quirky

[AndyR]

Hi Jimmy

I wanted to add my voice to those of welcome to the forum. Your voice while of sadness and confusion really struck for its honesty, especially about your confusions, and that's a real strength.

As both Dools and Quirky have suggested, the end of a relationship and letting go can be really hard and, from my own experience, I so agree with their advice. You can't do this in your own head, on your own. When I went through what you describe I bottled it up and couldn't speak my real feelings. So my mind went all sorts of negative and catastrophising places.

it was only when I shared how I was feeling and what I was thinking with people other than my former partner that I could begin to become clearer and work out a way forward that respected my ex-partners wishes and let me find some peace to think about my future.

I'm with Dools and Quirky - find ways of not doing this alone, of sharing. That could be on the forum which although being newish I've found to be supportive, encouraging and most of all caring.

Hold yourself safely in this, seek support and keep sharing

cheers

Andy

[Ellecat-_-]

Hi there,

I’m in a similar boat. I have decided to end it with my partner of 6 years. So I understand how it feels, I read somewhere that it’s like taking the star away from the planet and the orbit stops. It feels unsettling and unknown. if you need anybody to talk to or perhaps we can swap notes on our journeys.

I’m curious if it would make you feel better moving on knowing she was with somebody else? I don’t know her or the situation well enough but I’m sorry to me that doesn’t sound right; in fact it sounds like she moved on.. maybe this will help you to let go?

i already know without knowing this girl that you deserve and will find better.

I believe time fixes all wounds we just have to find the strength to wait out the storm. Throw yourself into something that’s time consume.. maybe get right into Netflix I’ve heard Narco is a good series?

always here for a chat, I’ll try make you laugh. X

[jimmy16]

Thank you, Dools, Quirky, Andy & Elle for your advice and kind words.