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lonely, needy and a cheater

Nella76
Community Member

I feel like I am a cheater and a bad wife. I am married for 11 years now. Out of the 11 years, my husband has been non intimate and not interested in any sexual contact for 9 years. I used to cry to sleep every night for so many years. I tried to convince him to talk to a counsellor, I tried talking to him but he would often get defensive or angry and blame it on me that I made it difficult for him to connect with him. Two years back I took a drastic step and started cheating on him with the intention if having an intimate partner for emotional and physical needs. But I ended up with a string of affairs, ons and short term hook ups. Now I am a mental mess as that has made me feel guilty, a selfish mother, an immoral wife and I hate myself. This came after yet another event of rejection by yet another man. I feel traumatised and worthless and cheap.

I feel like I don't deserve love and that something is wrong with me. My life is all messed up and I am unable to focus at work or at home. I have an eight year old son and hence I never considered leaving the marriage. I am now a broken woman and cry all the time. I know I am at fault and to blame. I created this life for myself and I don't know what to do now. I am posting here to see if anyone has had similar experience and how they coped with it. Thank you in advance.

5 Replies 5

wannabe_alpha
Community Member

I personally did'nt have this experience!

But I think there is nothing to be guilty about. We all need emotional support and seeking it is just a normal reaction.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Nella, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I am not here to judge you on the affairs that you've had but try and help through this rather difficult situation, but perhaps counselling may have been a better idea for yourself, rather trying to rely on another person who had an intention on something else.

With your husband being defensive and also angry closes the door to any communication between the two of you, that's exactly what you didn't want, so you tried to find other people who could support you one way or another.

The rejection by this other person may not have been interested in what you wanted to say, so, unfortunately, you were let down once again, so what has happened is only caused by circumstantial circumstances, it doesn't mean you don't love your 8 year old son, it's only been hidden by what you've had to experience, this can be recovered by talking with your doctor, to begin with, and then referred onto a psychologist.

Whether or not you decide to leave your marriage is whether your husband seeks the help he may also need, but your son needs your affection and that's what you should hold onto.

Please post back when you have the available time.

Geoff.

Nella76
Community Member
Thank you for your kind response. It helped me with my tumultuous mindset. Yes I know the best thing to do would’ve been to seek marriage counseling which was suggested to him and he rejected. He didn’t think there was any issue and that I needed to suck it up as there are bigger problems in the world. He kept saying you don’t get everything in a relationship. Which I agree to some extent. He is a nice person and does a lot for me and has always supported with me in my career.
however, he does not have empathy in day to day matters and often will get annoyed if I am anxious.
my journey in trying to find emotional connection outside has been very traumatic, in particular the recent experience. I felt I was played. I am am seeing my psychologist this week to help me with strategies to cope. I have also managed to convince my husband to go to Relationship counseling and he has agreed.

Thank you very much for your kind words. Not the right way to try and seek emotional connection as it affected my mental health big time. Looking forward now to fix myself before getting into any connection.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Nella, thanks for coming back to us.

Yes, there may be bigger problems in the world but how we view them depends on how we are feeling, so our mood is important, so if we are thinking in a negative way then our response to something else in the world could be that we don't care, whereas the opposite we view the situation differently.

No, we don't get everything in a relationship/marriage but what we do that makes us happy, carries a lot of weight and puts us in a different mind frame.

Best wishes.

Geoff.