Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

[CMF]

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

[monkey_magic]

I miss some not all of the person. We still talk occasionally so he's still there.

The one I don't talk to I really miss all. The person, the relationship. I sort of got myself into trouble a few times after we ended. A cry for help maybe bcas of what I'll never have again.

[Moonstruck]

Oh Stressless....I've been reading all the hard hard stuff you've been going through. It seems unsurmountable doesn't it? I've been reluctant to give advice or say much, because its such a delicate matter...I can see that. Especially when you have 35 years with this man...of course it's terrifying. But its your happiness and contentment that's at stake here!

You won't have "thrown away 35 years". It's impossible to do that for a start. The 35 years happened. They're yours, the good bits and the bad bits. My instincts (for what they are worth)is that you are on the brink of the rest of your life. Do you want it to be exactly the same? Does being with this man make you happy any more? Doesn't sound like it to me.

Don't let "fear" stand in the way of you making a whole new life for yourself now. This is YOUR time. Failure? What failure? You've stayed with the same man for 35 years! Even when he's made you miserable and insulted you and been cruel. What failure? He's a big boy now...whatever you choose he'll be fine. If you do go ahead and leave....he will sulk and fume and scream and cry and regret and soul search and yell and insult you.....so that's his choice! All you have to concern yourself about now...is YOU.

Get whatever professional advice and help you need to get through this time. I know you will..If you stay with this man...how do you picture yourself in say..a year's time? Six months? Forgive me if I have written a whole bunch of crap here to you. But you are stronger than you think.....I could see it in your earlier writings before you began to be so afraid as you seem now........perhaps I shouldn't have said anything at all to you.....the last thing I intend is to make things worse and more confused for you.....so sorry if I have......luv u xx

[Guest_3712]

Hey my darling Moon Girl,

I ve missed you - haven't seen you in the Circle lately . Are you doing Ok ? Silly question I know, but on a scale of 1- 10 ?

As usual you have made a whole lot of sense- you don't write crap, well ok sometimes when we're all mucking around with Dory and Velvet, but besides that you took from experience and I appreciate that.

You know what really irritates me is that I know you're right, my psych is right and everyone here is right and still I hesitate. At the end of our session on Thursday my psych hugged me as I just sobbed and sobbed and I just sais ,"I'm so scared to be alone ", he said, "You'll never be alone. You have friends and family who love and respect you - it's time you did the same "

Shout out to Paul's thread, "Do you love yourself " . Seriously guys I'm pretty sure most of us could have a second career in psychology without too much training - Wait ! maybe we do already.

Moon I am petrified of heights! I could never jump from a plane, dive off a high dive, close my eyes in a high rise - this is like that. I am so scared to jump . What if there's nonet to catch me ?

Better the devil I know right ? I don't know if I will ever convince myself that what I have is as good as I deserve, and trust me it is not all bad. There are glimpses of the man I married, and I'm sure I'm no angel to be around either.

Anyway enough of me . What about you ? Don't overthink this Moon, if this guy makes you happy and you are having fun then go for it. If he asks ,"what now ?" then just say this is now lets see how it goes. if he's right for you this time around he will be patient and let things run. Enjoy the moments without lots of what if's clogging your brain.

Sorry probably a lot of crap ive just written, what the hell do I know ? he! he !

What I do know is you are one amazing woman and one of my heroes- I will never look at a pair of boots and tight again without thinking of you .

By the way we need you in the Circle today- lots of sad faces need some cheering up after saying goodbye to Kanga and Taurus - especially our mate CMF

Maybe a moon dance ???

Cheers

Stressless

[Moonstruck]

Hey S L.....I answered you on my other thread...."I don't know where to post....."

[running_girl]

Hi I'm new to this thread and I hope you don't mind me posting here. It's just that it is so relevant to what's troubling me at the moment. I think mostly I miss the idea of him. I hate feeling alone. In a way, being in a relationship acts like a suit of armour between you and the world.

This is paradoxical because the reason my relationship ended was because I felt alone in his presence anyway. He didn't value me and he cheated on me. Despite this, maybe I want him back sometimes because it was he who hurt me, so I rationalise that it is only he who can heal me. I know this is bogus logic. It's like there is a constant battle waging between my heart and my head.

rg

[CMF]

Hi rg,

Thanks for posting on this thread and sharing your thoughts. You are most welcome to post an any thread you wish. You make some really interesting points;

'I miss the idea of him' - our idea of someone is often different to what the person actually is. It's what we want them to be, not who they really are.

'being in a relationship acts like a suit of amour between you and the world.' -it's our buffer, someone t turn to when things go wrong, our safety net knowing we have someone, even if the relationship is not going well.

' because it was he who hurt me, so I rationalise that it is only he who can heal me.'- there is a saying ' the one who broke you can;t be the one to fix you'. You can’t run back into their arms and expect them to make all your problems disappear because in case you forgot, they are the root of your problems. They are the root of your heartbreak and the one’s who caused you this pain you’re feeling.

I hope you find some peace in your heart.

cmf x

[running_girl]

Thank you CMF, everything you've said has helped me grasp the truth more firmly (I guess I always knew the truth deep down but it is so easy to lose sight of it when you're upset).

Your last point in particular has really hit home with me. He is the root of my problem, not the solution. I cannot turn to him and expect him to make my pain go away. If I am to heal, I need to go in an entirely different direction than the one that led me to him.

I feel more at peace about relegating our relationship to the past. And though it feels unfinished because I got no closure from him at all, I know it is finished. His failure to return my messages tells me it is finished. I have now blocked him from contacting me because I can't keep living in limbo wondering if I'll eventually get a message from him.

There is nothing further for me to gain by analysing or reliving what happened. It was a terrible mistake to get involved with him but it's happened. I will do my best to learn from it and not beat myself up over it.

While it hurts, I know I can move on. I don't want to stay stuck in despair.

Thank you for letting me unload my thoughts here. It really does help, as does your kind support and wise advice.

rg x

[Guest_128]

Wow wow wow

I am so proud of you thats unreal🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

my heart just went bom bom for you.

CM is a legend with words! Hey CM I am all over the place today, main focus was on you know who. I couldn't help not post to someone that is just starting to flower 🌺 I will try to get to everyone a bit later 😂🤣😂

[CMF]

Hey RG,

Good for you my friend, i too am proud of you.It will take time to stop beating yourself up but you are on the right path to feeling better with the right mindset.

Please post here anytime or join our 'circle of friendship and support' if you haven't already.

cmf x

[running_girl]

Dear Dory & CMF, words can't express how much your support and encouragement help me. It's part of what's propping me up at moment and I hope I can do the same for you whenever you need it.

And yeah Dory, CMF is definitely a legend with words, as are you!

rg x 🙂