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Lonely. Full of Anxiousness and Regret.

theRealJohnSmith96
Community Member

Hello,

I'm 23 and have never been in any sort of intimate relationship with a girl. I'm a very anxious person and as a result, am quite passive and slow to react to my feelings. For the past 6 months I've been crushing over this girl at work. She is new and I never thought much of her at first. However overtime as I've gotten to know her, we became good friends and I found myself falling for her. Because of my anxiety I was never able to straight up tell her how much I liked her or ask her out. We'd talk a lot during our shifts together. I would try to drop in some hints about my feelings, and eventually I found out that she was also single, and had been her whole life. The problem was that we only knew each other because of work, and with the sort of environment we were in, it never felt like it was an appropriate time to tell her anything. Everyday I came into work, thinking of ways to ask her out. I ended up choking and failed every time, going home feeling depressed.

A couple months passed and I maintained the same sort of relationship with this girl. We talked and flirted, then I'd fail to ask her out. Eventually a good opportunity came up and we met outside of work. I ended up confessing to her. Telling her I loved her. She told me that it wasn't a good time for her..... that she had been seeing someone else. She told me that she had feelings for me too, and that if I had asked her out earlier, she would have said yes. She told me that we could only be friends and to this day, we still are.

Last week, she asked me if I wanted to go get dinner with her sometime. I of course misinterpreted her and thought of it as a date. That her previous relationship didn't work out well. So I bought new clothes and even got a new haircut. When that day came we spent the whole night talking about relationships..... we spent the whole night talking about her boyfriend.

At this point I feel completely "friend-zoned," and despite the way she acted that night, I still had a really nice time. I don't know what to do. There hasn't been a single day in the past 6 months where I haven't thought about this girl. I keep falling in and out for her, and whenever I see her at work, I always get depressed. I don't want to quit work or lose her as a friend. I'm filled with regret of not asking her out sooner. The regret of what could have been. I feel very lonely. I don't have any friends to talk to this about and fear that I'll live out my life alone.

Please help.

7 Replies 7

SourceShield
Community Member

Hey bro!

I really feel for you man!

Anxiety can be a real pain in the arse sometimes, right?

I remember one of the first times I told a guy that I was really into him...he didn't feel the same way!!!.

Bummed me out majorly.

But, you know what man?

That experience did help me to grow, and to learn to not take moments for granted...as cliche as this sounds, we really do have to seize the moment.

So, okay...she has a BF, you're defs friend zoned at the moment, but we dont know how the future will pan out, but for now...you can still show her that your care for her is genuine, and that she can rely on you as a friend...but dont get it twisted, you still must maintain boundaries as well, anytime you dont feel good about something she may be talking about with her relationship, then tell her.

She'll respect you more for that...she'll see that you're not so passive and that you can stand up for yourself.

Relationships, the good ones, will always take time to develop and mature.

You're asking the right questions and now I feel youre getting a firmer idea of what YOU want and need...and thats really good.

Do your best to release the regret though man, itll just haunt you otherwise.

Take this one on the chin, and learn how to use these anxious feelings as markers for your awareness to do something positive rather than stagnate.

You aint alone man!.

MuchLove

theRealJohnSmith96
Community Member

Hey bro, thanks for the reply.

I made the mistake of going out with this girl again and now it seems I am back at square one. I'm trying to convince myself that she is just asking me out for free food, but she ended up paying for the majority of the night. It seems she really does just want to be friends so I will try my best to maintain a good relationship with her.

In any case I will be going overseas for work for the next two months so hopefully this is an issue time can solve. I'll also be seeing a psychologist when I get back to help with my anxiety issues.

These forums seem to be a good place to let out all my emotions so I can let go of all the bad stuff.

Thanks for the support.

Youre welcome bro!

All the best.

TS19_
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks for sharing your post RealJohnSmith96.

I can imagine you've been paining over this a fair bit - I've been there too and its not a nice feeling.

Fear not though - you can reframe all of this and take confidence from it! It sounds like you did all of the right things to be honest, apart from one thing - the follow through of asking her out earlier and progressing things. You bonded with her, made her laugh, made her want to hang out with you - yeah, it may have been just as a friend, but that's okay - you learn from this. She was definitely interested in you at some stage as more than a friend - which means other people will be too.

The healthy approach would be for you to accept that although she might be a great person, she isn't making you feel great right now. You said it - she is making you feel depressed. And its not her fault at all. But there is something you can do. You can step back a little from the friendship, and reinvent yourself. Take the time to find some new things to do. Push outside your comfort zone a little and attempt to meet some new people. Even trying is better than doing nothing. Join a gym, a sports team, a trivia night, a social meet and greet group, a cooking class. Anything. Speak to some new people, take confidence up a notch day by day. Who knows, you could meet someone else anywhere else at any other time. Always have hope man. You never know what can happen if you just say hi to someone.

You more you build your confidence, prioritise making yourself mentally strong and find new activities to do, the more this girl will notice you grow. But that isn't the reason you're doing this. Do this for yourself man, and to making this life more fun.

Hope some of this helps man. All the best.

Nikkir
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi RealJohnSmith96,

Thank you for for reaching out to us and sharing your life 🙂 That takes alot of courage. My heart was breaking for you when I read that she asked you to dinner and you bought new clothes and were really excited and then she talked about her previous boyfriend, how disheartening and upsetting. I have had that recently happen to me as well so I hear you. I think it is going to be awkward if you see her at work and you have feelings for her. Do you think it is just her though? or not wanted to be alone or a bit of both? Personally I was angry when the person I liked talked about someone else and I told them I don't want to be the friend. I wouldn't say this all or nothing approach is for everyone but that's how i felt, quite offended really and waste of time!!!! I am sure you won't end up alone, I wonder the same for myself but I certainly hope that you will find someone who will reciprocate your feelings and give something back to you, that's what you want and what you deserve 🙂 It is hard being alone, I don't like it much either but you are not alone. I am sure you have people in your life even one ? and we are always here and if it helps most of the people I talk to online or meet in daily life have experienced loneliness or some unhappiness, we are all in this together. My advice is to take care of yourself and do the things you love and you may meet someone or may not but either way life is happening either way so you might as well try to enjoy if possible. With this girl, I think its safe to say you are in the "friend zone" so only you can decide how you would deal with that. I don't recommend holding all your feelings in and sitting through another dinner like that 😞 Please let us know how you go if you can. You can call us on 1300 22 4636 or always chat online. I wish you are the best and like you, we are all searching ! Best Wishes Nikkir x

Ricardo2
Community Member

hey Mate

its nice to be on this forum and see people do care, I got on to it myself yesterday as I have a few issues too.

I totally understand your situation, and I used to be like you in my days when I was your age. I finally met a girl in 1992 and for the first time in my life I actually asked for her number. we kept in touch and went out as friends for sometime. This was in Melbourne, then I moved to Sydney for work and she came to Sydney for a holiday and I took her out to dinner and asked her what she thought about us long term. she freaked out and ran out of the restaurant. lucky I did not buy a ring and stuff. but some how I know she was the one and I kept asking her over and over again. did not give up and we were besties all the time. then one day I was in Melbourne and I asked her for the 4th time and she still said that she was not ready, so I took the next plan to Sydney.

she called me that night and asked why I left suddenly and I said I just didn't have a reason to be in Melbourne any more and if she will be my wife, and she said yes over the phone.

so the point is. if you really like her, do not give up. may be when you go overseas. she will miss you. may be she is going out with the other guy just to make you feel bad, but she keeps asking you out as she loves you as well.

do not give up. your day will come. have faith in yourself

Best of luck

Ricardo

pipsy
Community Member
Hi J.R. Sorry for the abbreviation. Just a female perspective here. From reading your post, it sounds as though she wanted a 'sounding' board. Maybe her and bf had an argument and she wanted a male perspective so because she knew you liked her, you were 'chosen'. I'd say she knew if she told you why she decided to go out with you, chances are you would've refused. Have you ever seen the bf in question to get an idea what is the story? Think I'd be a bit cautious about being in the middle of a triangle here. Everytime she 'blues' with bf, she comes to you, then treats you like a brother. I wouldn't like to see you get hurt by this girl who seems to want you and bf.