LDR trouble

[lucylisa]

During this time I was constantly wishing for my own space, we both have very different needs in a relationship, I’m the kind of person that is very independent and prefers space and time to myself while she is the opposite and if we could be together constantly she would absolutely prefer it. We have discussed this and she knows that we are both like this and there is an effort to make compromises (after some waterworks from her side) If I would go out I would stress that she’s unhappy because I’m all she has over here.

Every time I bring up an issue with a relationship she breaks down and becomes an emotional wreck, no matter how small the issue is she thinks I am going to break up with her or hate her or leave her. It makes being truthful about my feelings incredibly difficult.

A few weeks ago my dad suffered a major heart attack and was very close to death. She was living in her home country at the time. She was understanding and wanted to talk but I needed space, I cope well by myself and needed to put all my energy supporting my family and dealing with this difficult time. Even though this time was difficult I felt so much freer having this space to be able to deal with my current issues.

The time we have been apart so much less stressed, having my own space and ability to deal with issues has made everything and  overall life so much easier. I have felt less anxious eating, much more comfortable at work and started socialising more and felt closer to my friends and family than I had in a long time.

I came to realise this and after some consideration proposed over the phone perhaps we consider extend the long distance as I feel that for myself to feel better I think that’s what I need. She took it well eventually but there was a lot of emotions. I have had consistent questions asking whether I want to break up or have grown to dislike her or don’t find her attractive.

I don’t know what to do, she is head over heels in love with me and considering partner visas and moving in together and marriage and I am just dreading her moving back over. I feel so much freer.

I do enjoy the time we spend together but every time I think about it we would work so much better as friends. It’s hard because she is a nice person and there are amazing parts of our relationship. But I feel that long term neither of us are compatible and before the partner visa I need to talk to her about it for our own sake.

It’s so hard to voice this to her as each one of my past relationships has been either emotionally abusive or toxic and I am so scared to voice my opinion in a relationship. I know I have a lot of issues to work out because of that and other past situations but I feel for myself a relationship is not what I need for me right now. I feel that I can’t heal and be myself whether I’m with her long term or with anyone else. She’s left a lot of her things at my parents house and it’s a constant reminder that time is ticking and that I need to make a decision and talk to her about it,

I feel I want to end it and have entirety of that time to focus on myself, but I feel like an absoloutle asshat and that I’ve lead her on and that I’ve ruined her life.

This is a very neutral tldr I’m sorry it’s so long I just feel so lost.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A well worded post, thankyou

In general terms differences in any relationship (one smothering, the other tolerating such smothering) can be worked on through counsellors and the remedies often include one seeking out a passion so attention relief is experienced in this case, by you.

The problem with seeking a passion, is that passions are commonly deeply embedded into the person from a young age and it is an obsession of sorts. Whereas a hobby, sport or interest although can become a passion they are time fillers rather than obsessions. I found this out with a ex partner. I had my passion of model airplanes and she has few interests. So when we designed a new home I suggested a large hobby room for my hobby and (hopefully) her interests which I encouraged eg sewing and ceramics. We purchased the sewing cabinet with machine and ceramic tools. Those interests didnt last long as they werent a passion so the issue remained, my hobby was "the other woman".

I mention the above because sadly the extent of your problem with her seems as deep if not deeper than the level I had. If she was more relaxed (some anxiety could be present) and had such an interest, you might not be in this dilemma.

You now suffer from guilt or prepared for guilt for separation. This is unfair on yourself although understandable because you are kind and have love for her. So to limit this guilt might I suggest you arrange a direct meeting with her in a mutual place and spell out your concerns. Be direct but quietly spoken and be prepared for the upset she shows. This will give her one opportunity to make amends, see your issues with the clingy demeanour and hopefully she will think about an interest that she has/had that fills the void of your absence.

This could work. You'll be amazed at how simple remedies can turn around our feelings and improve a situation. But I also suggest that if you carry out that meeting that counselling is also essential as a follow up so mention that.

If you decide the relationship is not for you then try not to feel guilt. You have right of decisions for your future and deserve a calm life with the love.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

Repost anytime. PS I hope your dad is ok.

For you

DAD’S SMILE

An old porch chair where my dad once sat

A smoke in his hand and slippers on a mat

I remember when he’d laugh and smile at me

And I’d return the honor almost instantly

My thoughts are such now that dad has passed away

I glance at that empty chair each and every day

Sorrow fills my heart and in a way it’s sad

That I still look at that chair and still smile at my dad

But all’s not lost and I don’t waste my time

Cause I still see his face smiling just like mine

Yes in that old porch chair where my dad once sat

Is his smoke in his hands and slippers on a mat….

TonyWK