Wow, it’s been so great reading everyone’s experiences! Makes
me feel slightly less alone 🙂
I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety on and off for a long time now, I go to therapy, which has helped a lot and I maybe only feel like shit 1-2 days out of the week now instead of 3-5. But i'm still struggling with behavioral stuff, I lash out and get angry for no reason. Some offhand comment is now the biggest deal in the world! My poor partner gets the brunt of my attitude and aggression when I feel like shit. I lash out and immediately feel so guilty afterwards but the damage has been done...
I try so so so hard to catch myself, with varying degrees of success. It’s like I forget in the moment that that weird feeling my brain, that depressed, sad feeling, can and probably will lead to my snapping and being a total bitch. But I don’t. Sometimes I notice. But mostly I don’t.
My partner has been with me most of the way. It wears on him
a lot now I think. It’s gotten to a point where he says he can’t remember a Christmas
or holiday he’s enjoyed because I’ve had an ‘incident’ and it’s effected the
whole trip. Which obviously makes me feel so sad and guilty that he can’t just
live a normal, happy life without a partner that makes him feel miserable... He
knows It’s not my fault and doesn’t blame me, but it doesn’t make it any easier
knowing that. He says it’s like this other person takes me over I’m not longer
his happy, friendly, fun, thoughtful person he loves, but a raging asshole out
to crush the world! and I get it I really do!
Has anyone had any success in ways to make yourself more aware of how you're feeling? So you can catch the bitch before you bite?
I’m starting to feel like I should become a hermit, detach myself from the world so I can’t hurt anyone. Just have dogs. Be a dog lady. Lol
Welcome to the forums and thanks for taking the time to post. I'm glad you are finding them helpful.
That's great that you feel that the therapy is helping. It sounds like you have managed to really reduce your anxiety and depression.
I think it's a little sad that your partner is focusing on the small incidences and allowing them to ruin his memories of otherwise fun trips and holidays. Have you considered bringing him to counselling with you for one session? I did that with my partner so we could get a bit of help in how to manage our relationship when I am anxious.
I think being aware of what you are doing is a good first step. Changing our behaviour patterns can take time. Our brain is hardwired one way and we have to really work at overriding those signals - but it can be done. You definitly don't need to be a lonely dog person!
I hope you keep posting and finding the forums helpful.
I have had Anxiety & depression for nearly 20 years but It is my first day on here and saw your post and it hit me right between the eyes. You are describing me to a tee. I have been working heaps on catching myself before biting my wife's head off, and being conscious of it definitely helps a lot. I too get very sad afterwards as i know she has done nothing wrong just a comment or something so trivial it is ridiculous. It makes no sense to anyone else why we react the way we do. The worse times for me is the day after a few drinks, even if its only 1 drink, i find the next day or once it has worn off, can be a danger time to becoming a snappy turtle. i use to keep it all inside and tell my wife nothing but now if i am feeling particularly low and the little things are getting to me i let her know that i'm feeling susceptible to being an asshole and that can help as well. You are not alone feeling the way you do and funnily enough having 2 dogs helps me heaps when i am having a bad day. i have also tried the hermit thing and it relieved some pressure initially but didn't help long term, i still found i needed some people contact. Anyway my thoughts are with you purpledaisies.