Just Need Help...

[JackSparra]

Hello,
I’m 43 years old. My wife and I separated back in June 2017 after 10 years together. The relationship had become quite toxic, and we argued a lot and it seemed like we were together for the kids and out of convenience, and things hadn’t been good for a long time.

I met a wonderful girl, who's 31 years old, back in April 2017 who was also married at the time, and in a loveless, mundane marriage. She’d been with him for 12-13 years and married for 10. She made the choice to leave her husband, after many years of trying to work it out with him, and explaining what she was missing from the relationship.
We both found a rental property and have been living together since July 2017. She has two wonderful kids who live with us 50/50. Things have been really great but in the last 2-3 months I’ve noticed a change in her. She doesn’t seem to want to touch me, or come and cuddle me or just come and kiss me and tell me how she feels about me. She doesn't tell me to my face how she feels, or just look me in the eye and tell me she loves me. I’m a very outwardly affectionate person, and I’m quite touchy feely which she knows, but every time I’ve tried talking with her, it just seems like it’s one excuse after another. She will say things like “I am affectionate, I sit with you on the couch, we still hold hands, I still kiss you…” and yet it’s always me making the moves to kiss her, or cuddle her. We haven’t had sex in around 5 weeks but again when I’ve spoken to her about it, she says that she’s content just hanging out and chilling etc and she felt that I was putting pressure on her or that there was an expectation to do it. She hasn’t instigated sex in a long time, and says it’s not really her thing, and that she will be more flirty or cheeky rather than just start kissing me to get things started or whatever. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve expressed how I feel in many ways. Over email, text, written letters, in person with her. None of it seems to matter, or it’s like my wants and needs don’t matter. I just want to be with someone who “wants” me and is comfortable with showing it, consistently. I’m consistent with her, and always rubbing her back, or playing with her hair etc and I spoil her a fair bit but even when I go to give her a passionate kiss, she just doesn’t seem into it.

Is it me? Am I being too needy or overthinking things which is causing me to feel like this? I just don’t know what to do, or who to talk to about it all.

[GoodWitch]

Hi JackSparra

Good on you for posting here there are a lot of people experienced in all types of relationships. I haven't been in your exact position but I'm happy to talk this through with you and see if I can help.

Do you know if your new gf had these similar issues in her previous marriage? Was sex a thing that became a chore for her, was her husband uncaring or demanding in that area? If so, she might still be experiencing some hangover feelings from that. Perhaps she is worried the relationship with you will turn out the same...not saying you're doing anything to bring that on, but if she was with her previous man for that many years and if sex had become an issue, she's not going to get over that very quickly.

Also, it is normal for there to be a drop off in sexual interest, often the woman feels this first, after around 12 months after the initial blush has worn off. I'm not saying 5 weeks is normal-everyone's normal is different. 5 weeks is a while when you are both healthy, so you aren't wrong to feel a bit neglected. Have you checked with her if the things you do, your 'touchy feely' things, are in fact what she likes? Maybe she prefers less of that, not everyone is touchy feely (I'm not and so rubbing my back and playing with my hair would have the opposite effect than the one you're probably going for).

Does your gf feel on solid ground in your relationship? Does she know where it's going and perhaps more importantly do you know where she wants it to go? Seems you both got into this straight out of long marriages. No they hadn't been working for a long time, but it still wasn't all that long ago, comparatively, that she was living with her former spouse and you were living with yours. It's possible she is still confused about what she wants and questioning your new relationship. It's even possible you are confused or on the rebound. You say you met this new lady in April, left your wife in June and were living with the new lady by July. That's a very short timeframe for all that to happen. So perhaps you both need to sit down and have what might be a hard conversation about where your relationship is going. It's possible this is all going through her mind, and that is interfering with her sex drive.

You won't know unless you ask - not just 'why don't you want sex?' but 'how do you feel about me/us?'

Just some suggestions. Good luck.

GW

[JackSparra]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate having someone to just run all this by, as I don’t want to keep rehashing the same stuff with my gf or make her think I don’t love her or want to be with her.

I know she spent a lot of her time with her ex not really enjoying sex with him, or he was getting his release from porn rather than with her. She did feel very unwanted and not sexy at all because he wouldn’t even notice her if she walked across the bedroom naked. She does have quite a lot of body issues, which I try to understand and I am always supportive and try to make her feel sexy all the time. I tell her she’s beautiful and pretty, but I do know it’s not a simple thing to get over, and sometimes words don’t really mean anything in that regard.
She is very adventurous in the bedroom, which is great so it’s not that she doesn’t want to…but she doesn’t want to, if that makes sense?
There hasn’t been a time in the last 12-13 years of my life where I’ve been single. I’ve always been in a relationship, and the last two have been long term and both had kids with the women I was with. Perhaps that’s part of the issue, and I haven’t given myself enough “me” time. I don’t know.

It doesn’t really even come down to sex though. Just overall affection is something I really love, and I have asked her what kinds of things she likes me doing and she’s always liked my touch, as I do hers. I have told her that I love the feel of her touch but for some reason she’s not really into it much now, but she used to be.

We both talk quite openly about everything, and we both want the same things in terms of our relationship. I believe she feels on solid ground, and I’m always reminding her of how amazing she is and how much I love her. I have asked her why she doesn't want to have sex, which is when she responded about wanting to chill etc, which is totally cool but I'm a hot blooded guy and want to be intimate with her all the time.

I know I do need to sit down with her and talk about us and where she sees us going, because I don't want to assume anything. I have told her she can talk to me about anything, but perhaps she's finding it hard to know what to say or even how she is feeling at this point. I do know we both spent a lot of time in our previous relationship feeling very unloved and unwanted, and I just don't want anything like that to happen to us.

Thanks again.

[quirkywords]

jackSparra,

Selcome to the forum. thanks for sharing your story.

Goodwitch has written a caring reply with helpful suggestions.

In your second post, especially in the last paragraph , you have thought out in a logical way what you need to do.

I know this is very different from your situation but years ago when my children were young I was so exhausted after looking after them all day that I did not feel I had any energy for intimacy. The more my then husband pressured me the more I resisted.

I think it is good that you are giving her time to work things out . Sometimes you just need to be patient like you are and understanding and hopefully she will see she can trust you and relax with you. Sometimes people don’t even know why they feel they way they do or people can be embarrassed to say what they are feeling as they think their partner may think it is silly. keeping communication open, as you are doing is really helpful.

Thanks agin for sharing your story.

Quirky