Jeolousy and depression

[Poppy81]

• I have been fighting the green eye monster for over a year. I am in a 10 year same sex relationship/ married. My partner went through menopause and completely blew of sex for a year 2years ago and then 1 year ago made a new best friend from work which further drove a wedge between my wife and I. I feel like this person has replaced me. I feel like an emotional affair is going on and my wife wont even have a discussion about it becoming avoidant. Just over a year ago her friend was drunk calling her and i got angry as we were on holiday, then my partner deleted all messages from this person and when asked why was told i knew you didnt like me tslkibg to her so i didnt want you to know. We have had constant arguments over this person and I feel like it is ruining my relationship. My wife says I am allowed to have friends and I agree with this but it is the type of friendship that I don't like as it has affected my relationship with my partner as she has become distant. My wife just says we'll things change. I am stuck with this person in my life and it is driving me crazy as my wife has not made any attempt to soothe my insecurities about their relationship. I know it is not her job to make me feel better but I just can't shake this gut feeling that they will turn into something more. We have 3 kids together and this is just shaken me to the core and have discovered thst we no longer are able to communicate properly, we just argue about it so it has become a no go topic. When i 1st tried to address the issues I was met with being shut down and my feelings on the matter were brushed aside and was told that she doesn't have a problem, it is just my problem. Fast forward a year and they are close as ever and I am not allowed to talk about it as she says I just want to put it all behind us, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I am having a lot of trouble moving past it as they are always texting goidmorning to each other babe, and asking how they have slept. I feel boundaries are being crossed especially since the focus is no longer on us. How do I overcome this horrible feeling I have? I am really struggling and I was suicidal 1 year ago, have seeked psychologist as I have CPTSD and gave been trying to work on myself. I have gone from having the best relationship of my life to complete disregulation. I feel like I am going crazy!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Poppy21,

If viewing the Christmas lights is something you and your partner normally do together, it does feel odd for her to be doing this with the other person. I would imagine it would be something you’d normally enjoy together with your kids as a family. I can understand it affecting you emotionally. Is the intention still to go and view the lights as a family on Christmas Eve as well?

Whatever the case, I think your feelings are understandable as your partner seems to devote a lot of time and emotional attention to this other person. I  don’t know what else to suggest, especially as you say she is not open to discussing it. To me it seems she is invalidating how you feel and in a relationship there really should be mutual recognition and validation of one another’s feelings. I really do wonder if couples counselling would help. I understand you wanting to feel that you are the priority in her life. It’s totally fine on the one hand for her to have friends, but it does sound like there is emotional involvement that is leaving you out and that really doesn’t seem ok in what is meant to be a relationship between you and her.

As someone who also has CPTSD, what I would say is don’t invalidate your own feelings or minimise your own needs. I think it’s very easy to do those things with a complex trauma history. I can’t really give advice about specific courses of action, but prioritise your feelings because they matter. You should be able to have your feelings heard and validated in a healthy relationship and it feels wrong if this isn’t happening.

Take good care and perhaps even try calling a helpline, or a couple of different helplines, for a chat and some other perspectives. Just talking things through with a few people may help to know how to go forward. As you have a complex trauma background, somewhere like The Blue Knot Foundation who specialise in complex trauma may be helpful as they would be understanding of that part of your history and they might be a good sounding board for discussing your relationship in the context of being someone with CPTSD. I have called them several times and found them helpful.

Take care and all the best,

ER