Single parenting: mental health & loneliness

[Daisy G]

I’m a single parent to three boys/young men. My ex husband, their father, cut ties with our sons 5 months after we separated. It’s now been over 5 years. I was a stay at home mum, so I had to work 2 jobs to keep all the wheels turning. My youngest son has autism, and was 8 when this all happened. All three boys struggled with depression and abandonment for at least 12 months. I realise I’ve not stopped these last 5 years, I work and come home and be mum. I’ve realised how isolated I now am and feel incredibly lonely. I know I’ve done a good job raising my sons on my own, and I can recognise that, but now I’m being hit with feelings of guilt. I’ve missed 5 years of their lives, because I worked 50+ hours a week. My youngest is almost 14 now. I wax diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd during the last year of my marriage. I struggle to make friends now, because I don’t feel like I have anything to offer, let alone dating. 

Am I alone in feeling this loneliness, or is this common amongst single parents with no contact from the other parent? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You have done a remarkable job in these past 5 years, my hats off the you. Plus the devastation we all that have separated with kids, has on us that is crushing- you continued on- amazing.

I felt compelled to leave my 1st wife in 1996 after 11 years of emotional abuse, girls 7 and 4yo it was so hurtful leaving them but I knew as I had a job (she didnt) I would be financially able to pay child support and allow our kids to remain in their home. I paid on time for 14 years and had approved visitations and cannot understand turning my back on my kids, but thats for others to feel guilty about.

Guilt is a serious feeling that is aligned with worry, they only cause ulcers so I urge you in taking care of yourself along with beginning to pat yourself on the back every time you look into a mirror.

Long working hours, travel and so on take sits toll. Many people have told me how they spent up to 20 years dedicating themselves to keeping their head afloat. I did also, drove 90 minutes one way to work for many years and during that time if I had a major mechanical breakdown I'd lose my job an within a month lose my home. But I managed to fix whatever was wrong with the car and made it.

So, you did not choose to be in this situation, you've battled on with your kids and had you not work those hours the struggle would have maybe been homelessness or poor live style. You can never be a supermum as they dont exist.

So the only advice I can give is to care for yourself more, praise yourself, be proud that you are a success and your kids will remember how you battled on. 

Below are a few posts that might help, just read the first page of each.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604/page/2

And this one is an example of someone in different situation but is interesting for you.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/feeling-empty-amp-lonely/td-p/597089

Reply anytime

TonyWK