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Hi, my relationship of 5 years ended about 5 months ago. Due to circumstances we have agreed to remain friends and live together in seperate rooms. I still love my ex dearly and want the best for him. We just weren’t compatible in a lot of ways and both agreed we are better as friends.
I have started seeing someone new as has my ex. I have been experiencing irrational jealousy that this new person has replaced me and going through the grief of our relationship all over again. I can’t stop my spiralling thoughts and have said some things I deeply regret. I truly want my ex to find happiness, however how do I stop my feelings of jealousy? During our relationship there were never jealousy issues from either end which is why I’m struggling to understand it now. Thanks for reading.
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.
Everyone needs a different time to grieve the end if a relationship and to adjust to things changing.
Do you think it is awkward that you are living in the same house because if you were at different places you would not see the new person he is dating as often.
I understand why you need to stay in the same place.
You are aware of your grief and your jealousy. Has your ex commented on it .
Jealousy can be a very strong emotion and many would deny it.
Is the person you are seeing aware of your feelings towards your ex and his new friend.
The jealousy may be coming out now as maybe you are still processing the grief over the end of the relationship.
just a few thoughts.
By answering your post It will be bumped up and more people will see it.
Feel free to post here when you like.
Thankyou for reaching out.
I have spoken about it with my ex a lot and tried to work through my feelings and have also spoken to my new partner. Both have been extremely supportive and I’m so lucky to be able to talk to them about it.
I don’t want it to affect my friendship with my ex as he deserves to find happiness. I just don’t know how to deal with my jealousy personally and my spiralling thoughts. He would never do anything intentionally to hurt me or shove it in my face as he is so respectful.
I am hoping it’s just dealing with the grief and in time these feelings will pass. It’s just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.
I'm really glad you reached out, thanks for sharing on here. Grieving is so painful and it seems unpredictable at times..
5 months from a breakup is still very recent.. It sounds like agreeing to remain friends and live together has brought about some challenges that are hard, and feelings that you didn't think would come up. I hope you can be patient with yourself by recognising that jealousy is a natural feeling given the history you have with this person.. 5 years is a long time, and especially as you're living with him, naturally you're going to see many parts of his life, as opposed to cases where couples seperate and go about their lives independently. Grieving would be very different as things would be brought back up again, and I don't think either of you are to blame for that at all, moreso the circumstances.
Perhaps the circumstances you're in are making it hard to grieve, and I think it's very normal in a lot of cases for it not to be healthy to know who your ex is now with. You may find that jealousy is very hard to contain and I don't think it's completely fair to have to bear all the responsibility for controlling it.. And I think that's where boundaries become very important when both living together.
I can see that you still love him and want the best for him, and I'm so glad to hear that both your ex and new partner are extremely supportive. Did the feelings of jealousy start when you found out he was dating again, or was it a situation where they were at the house and saw them together?
Thankyou for your reply.
The feelings of jealousy started when he told me he has been having coffee with someone and how much they have clicked.
We have set boundaries that are not to bring anyone back home.
I feel like I have been replaced and this is the new person in my ex’s life that he will be sharing everything with. It is so hypocritical for me to even think like this as I have someone new in my life but I can’t control these thoughts.
I have lashed out and made some unnecessary comments to him about this new girl and just haven’t been able to stop my irrational thoughts.
the following day, I feel totally terrible and apologise but the jealousy is still there and my mind is racing. I am imagining things that are not there. I’m already picturing them moving in and my ex has said They are only friends and getting to know each other.
He has always been better friends with females and this has never been an issue during our relationship. I now feel that as I’m no longer that person it’s really hard for me to come to terms with someone else touching him and kissing him and sharing his life. He has reassured me I will always be his best friend it’s still hard for me to accept.