Ive BPD & I have struggled most of my life with relationships

[lochness46]

My names Vanessa & Im a single parent living in country Vic. Ive been diagnosed with BPD since 2009. I was previously diagnosed with Depression prior. Its been a very diffcult journey for me, especially prior to being diagnosed with BPD..BPD is one of the most complicated & complex Mental Illness you can have. Most of the trauma that happened to me, to trigger my mental illnesses (my BPD) occured when I was a teen that sent me on a spiral of self medicating with self distructive behaviours, & ruining my first serious romantic relationship. I havent felt good enough in my own skin for most of my life, & still dont. So as the years went along, I saw therapist after therapist, with most of it not really helping me till 2009, when I was offically diagnosed with BPD. Then 16 yrs ago I met a man whom had narcasstic traits that I wasnt even aware off. He soon became my "favourite person" & wanted to be loved so desperately. Life seem good & this man whom I was besotted with...6 months after being together I found out that I was pregnant. What a huge & delightful suprise, but not known to me after this man found out I was pregnant, he changed....We started fighting alot & he started to become verbally abusive with me....I didnt know what was happening at the time. I started to resent the way his was & see that he was had very narcissistic traits.. So after my beautiful baby boy was born, the relationship with my sons father really turned bad & not only did more veral abuse start, the physically abuse started too. I was very confused & eventually reached out to the Domestic Violence Support Group. It certainly opened my eyes to the fact that I was dealing with domestic violence. So after that, after about 3 yrs I wanted out of this toxic relationship with my sons father. But he certainly didnt make it easy for me to leave. So many AVO"s & court appearances drove me insane. All these huge difficult issues made my BPD SO much worse, which I didnt even realise at the time...I have suffered quite alot of other traumas in my life also, with a parent who im sure has BPD as well, my mum & a dad who invalidated my feelings & emotion most of the time. Even though I have gone through alot that I wasnt prepared for & have survived quite alot, I still feel very lonely, to scared to get in a relationship again & misunderstood. Can you relate & understand my story??

[Doolhof]

Hi lochness46,

I too have BPD and understand that it can be a condition that causes us to question so much in life, makes it difficult to see and experience life as other people do at times and can make for confusing moments when relating to people.

One thing I found very helpful was to actually be diagnosed! I now have a better understanding of BPD and I can try harder to get along with myself and others. Not that it works all the time!

I'm sorry for all you have been through in life. It sounds like you are a very strong person though to have managed to leave the relationship which was not at all healthy or safe.

If you don't mind me asking, have you received help to understand your BPD? I have had a little assistance and have borrowed books from the library. At present I am trying to work on understanding distressing thoughts.

Other members in our family have BPD as well. It is interesting to see how it shows in their lives and in their interactions with others. I quite often feel that I am trying to analyse what is happening around me so I don't take offence when none is intended.

I gave a book on BPD to a family member to read and they cried as they realised their partner was experiencing life in that manner. It helped them to better understand what that person was living with daily.

Some days are a battle. Other days are wonderful. I hope you manage to find a balance.

If you'd like to chat more, maybe we can share ideas and techniques that may help us both.

Cheers to you from Dools