It’s happened again

[Zan11]

Hi everyone, just over a year ago my best friend who I have been intimate with ended things. I was shocked and came here for support. You all gave me great advice!  But eventually we ended up together again….until today! 
He said he’s not sure why he’s getting cold feet about us. 
Now I’ve had an inkling for 2 weeks something was off already. So this time I saw it coming.
But still, I’m feeling sad and lonely, and even more so, I’m feeling disappointed for going back.
The hamster keeps spinning the wheel in my mind. How do I stop looking at my phone for his messages? How do I stop feeling lonely and unloved?  How do I stop missing him/us?

[WaterFront]

Hi Zan11,

The same thing happened to me four years ago. Best friends for fifteen years and intimate for a further five years. It was like a 'double whammy' - I lost someone who I had thought was more than a friend, and my best friend, at the same time who I then couldn't talk to about it for support. The BB community helped me get through it for which I am so grateful. In my case, they met someone else, was seeing them secretly and then when they thought this will work out, phoned me and told me about it/ended things with me and couldn't understand why I was so upset. I realise now that I was just a place holder.

I walked away from my phone for a long time because of the constant wanting/waiting for them to contact me, which didn't happen. That helped a bit though it then got in the way of my maintaining other relationships. People often say to block them to give yourself some space - you can choose to let them know that is what you are doing if you go down that route.

My advice would be to try and distract yourself with activities and other friends if that is possible. The immediate support hotline might be an option also. Grieve as much as you need to. Talk about it. Try not to ruminate - like acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass through without sticking to them and following them down the 'rabbit hole'. Write a journal of your thoughts and feelings to just let it all out. Try to eat properly and make yourself have a routine for daily activities. Go for walks. These are all things that helped me.

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you and you are feeling this way. Try to take care of yourself. 

WF

[amd1953]

Hello Zann11,

The best way to stop being lonely and unloved is to find someone who does love and care for you.   I think that is the simplest way to put it.   If you want a partner in life then you have to give yourself a better than average chance of choosing the right one.   Don't let other people choose you.   It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, and a strong partnership begins with trust.   If you both feel the right connection with each other then you should both have something to work with.   If, as you say, your relationship is up and down at the moment then it seems like you are wasting each other's time.   Why put yourself through this torment when you could be moving on with your life and finding someone who is genuine and trustworthy?   Make a stand before it is too late and let people know that you are not going to be trifled with.   Take the right steps to build your own identity and make it a strong one where you know and value yourself.   In future, when you are meeting new people, they will recognise this strength in you and respect you for it.   That is my humble opinion in a nutshell.   I wish you all the luck in the world.

Regards amd1953

[Zan11]

Thank you for your kind words. The thing is we knew this was not going to last, due to plenty of reasons. But I think somehow we developed feelings and each time we try to walk away, we came back together. 
Today, being 3 days later, he texted to ask if I was ok. It instantly gave me relief because we would be texting and calling non stop everyday for over 4yrs!! I knew I was in withdrawal from it. So of course when he finally text, I didn’t know what to do. I ended up just texting back - im ok, thanks! 
he then preceded to tell me he why he ended it. To move on,  as we were not going anywhere. Time flew by so fast. Even though I KNOW we can’t be in a real relationship, this ending still hurts. 
He still sees me as a friend, but I’m not sure if I can continue the friendship. I feel it would be a constant reminder if he randomly text me and this could stop me from moving forward. 
Thanks also for your tips and strategies on navigating through this process. This one surprisingly hurts more than the live in break ups I’ve had. I’m not sure why. 
I’ll definitely be trying your strategies and I’m hoping to get through to the other side quickly. 

[Zan11]

Hi amd1953

You’re absolutely right. Im just wasting time here especially if it was never gonna work out. This will now give me a chance to reflect and work out how my next relationship should look like, if I ever get involved with someone else again. 
It’s just difficult to go through the heartbreak part when it does happen. I wallow in my sorrow and sadness for way too long. I also romantize the whole relationship and forget some of the low/bad times we’ve had, like arguments etc.

Thank you so much for your advice! 

[Zan11]

Hi all 

Thank you for helping me with some of your advice. Now that he wants to remain friends, what should my next step be? If he starts sending random stuff, do I respond or ignore? 

[amd1953]

Hi Zan11

I think it sounds like it's your call now.   You have to decide what is best for you and whether you can see any future in the relationship.   If the answer is yes, then by all means follow your heart.   I am assuming that when you say "sending you random stuff" it means text messages or something similar?   Whatever you do, stay safe and live your life your way.

I wish you all the best

Regards

amd1953

[WaterFront]

Hi Zan11,

You have to think about what is best for you in the situation. If you can deal with responding, and you want to remain friends, then that's a choice you have to make. I kept second guessing when this happened and got twisted up in 'what does this mean?' when it probably/actually meant nothing. I found it just held me back and kept me tied to a situation that wasn't very good for my wellbeing. I only started feeling better when I had distance by not talking to them for a very long time. We are all different, and some of us are more resilient than others. amd1953 is right, it's your call now. What do you want and what will cause you the least pain?

I hope it works out for you.

WF