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Issues with inlaws

MummaKez
Community Member

I need some help... I have had problems with my inlaws ever since I started dating my husband. They had trouble accepting the first time we moved out on our own (they would tell my husband I would leave him after 6 months and take 1/2 of everything), when we got married they were so sad and did not talk to me, later I was told my FIL told my husband it was ok if he didn't want to go through with marriage, we had issues buying a house because inlaws had to be happy with the house we bought aswell, it goes on BUT now we have twins in the mix. They are 3.

We have had alot of control issues with grandparents now wanting more say in how they are raised and now recently the grandparents will make plans to hangout with my kids and then cancel at the last minute resulting in me having to calm down one of my kids because they thought nana and pop didnt like them and that there is something wrong with them.

I have never stood my ground until recently when my FIL canceled going to an event telling my husband that I was not keen on going (which is further from the truth). I then confronted my FIL saying that I was looking forward to us going, he pretending like he didnt say anything to my husband but that they still weren't going. I told him I had not told the kids they were coming yet so the kids would not get upset again if they cancelled. We all went as a family but grandparents didn't come.

I feel like this behaviour is now effecting my whole family and need advice on how to fix it so we can all be happier again.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi MK, welcome

You have a tough situation but not uncommon. I hope I'm not out of line to suggest that your husband needs to take a stand against this unnecessary pressure. But his parents know him well and will push his buttons only so far, backing off when only you ate angry. Its a form of manipulation...it isnt you. any wife of his likely was in for a battle.

So, what can you do?. Firstly adapt. You already now dont tell the children their grandparents are coming. Good move.

Move away but not far enough that they'll stay over. If they ever want to, demand to hubby that you draw the line...its your castle to do as YOU please.

use wit.

I've got a few threads here I've written that might benefit.

Use google

Topic: in laws the best approach- beyondblue

Topic: wit, the only answer to torment- beyondblue

Also google

Queen, witch hermit waif

In particular while reading concentrate on the queen character. Some people desire control.

Good luck, reply or post anytime.

Tony WK

Hi Mumma,

been there done that,now live 40min away and love it.

Everything Tony said is correct,

You should be and there is no excuse,Your Husband needs to grow some balls,or move back home to mummy nonna.

You sound like a great mum and you have put up with them all telling you what to do. You don't need to be narky just be firm or they will swallow you up.

talk to hubby,and let him know how this is messing you up.

Later

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Mumma

Tony and later have given you helpful comments.

I just want to say it must be hard because you are trying to care for your children and be supportive of your husband.

I never understand why people wouldn't want their children to be happy and why grandparents would make their grandchildren unhappy just to get back at their son's wife.

Look after yourself and your lovely twins.

Quirky

Thanks White Knight,

I have started looking into your tops you suggested to look at and the have been helpful. I am dealing with a Queen (FIL) and a Hermit (MIL) by the sounds.

I just bit the bullet and rang my MIL and addressed a few things. I was calm and to the point but she just said 'if we say things that hurt you just brush them off, we don't mean anything by it'. At this point I just said OK.

Mainly because I thought she sees nothing wrong with what they are doing so there will be no ownership from their part and to stop wasting my time making them understand something they will never understand. I think I need to brush up on my wit.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MummaKez~

The advice you have receive is spot-on, I should know because in a similar situation I was the husband and it was my parents that resented my fiancee. They though her 'unsuitable' and tried argument, belittling words and finally financial and emotional blackmail to break us up.

My fiance tried to be peacemaker and swallowed a lot of this, but really it was not her fight, it was mine. Eventually things came to a head and my family broke off with me. This was the best thing they could have done. I learned to stand on my own feet, love and support someone and grow up.

I lived 25 years with that 'unsuitable' person, still in love when she passed away.

I'll repeat what others have said, it is not your fight, it is your husband's. Until he whole-heartedly chooses you rather than his parents I do not believe the matter can be properly settled. Obviously there may be a cost to doing this, but the benefits in feeling secure and loved and away from poison - all of you, yourself, children and husband - can outweigh this.

I wish you the all the best in a very difficult situation

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello MummaKez, there's not much I say other than what the rest have said, but I big line needs to be drawn, they are behaving in a toxic way wanting to have control everything, but really they are complicating your marriage, making it so much harder for you to raise your twins.
They have to be told that you and your husband make the decisions and not them, to butt out and can come to see their g/kids when it suits you, not them, if they can't come at those times then bad luck, it's your family, your little unit, you deserve all the respect, your children will learn to adapt to this. Geoff.