Hi Aurora22
My heart goes out to you for so many reasons, especially regarding the loss of your dad. The loss of someone we love so much can bring up so many new level emotions that can be incredibly hard to process. I recently heard a quote that helped shed light on why it can be so hard, 'Grief does not change you, it reveals you'. With my mum having passed at the end of May this year, I can relate to how grief can reveal how deeply we are capable of loving, how intensely we can actually feel a sense of longing and how beautiful we are in the ways we can feel such a deep soulful connection to that person who we no longer have a physical connection with. Of course, there is so much more revealed to us beyond these 3 revelations. While we knew we are a capable of loving, capable of longing and capable of feeling a deeper connection, the level or intensity is something altogether new and it can feel overwhelming and even confusing at times.
I think that unless our partner is someone who feels to the same degree as us, we can be left feeling or sensing so much alone. It can definitely be hard work at times in so many different ways. For example, while we may feel or sense the genuine need to develop greater communication, go on more adventures together, develop greater visions/goals together regarding the future etc, our partner may not be able to gain a true sense of these needs. While we may feel or sense a serious need for them to change some of their ways or seek outside help in doing this, they may not feel or sense that genuine need. Can take months or even years before they eventually come to sense the need. So we can end up working so hard to help them gain that sense. When people speak of 'Coming to their senses', this can include a sense of feeling or intuition, vision (being able to see the way forward through the imagination), constructive or positive guiding inner dialogue (as opposed to depressing or stressful inner dialogue), a sense of open minded wonder and more.
From what you say, I imagine you're longing to feel a sense of peace and the kinds of experiences that offer this. It can be a massive challenge to find a sense of peace when we're not fully conscious of how to do this. Maybe we've never had to do it before now, tolerating or managing years without it. Personally, just about anything that comes to putting me to sleep is what I associate with that feeling. My 23yo daughter occasionally giving me a facial or brushing my hair, being up at 3am sitting in the backyard in front of my laptop (without the sound of traffic or birds or dogs barking or lawnmowers going or people asking me for things), sitting and warming my hands up to the sun (the planet's greatest fireplace) and things along those lines brings me that gentle feeling of peace. I don't think we necessarily sense the absence of peace until we start to really long to feel what it is that's missing. I once heard someone say 'Peace is the complete absence of conflict'.
If you were challenged to gain a sense of peace, through what would you come to sense it? It sounds like not only do you need it, you deserve it. While you're raising your partner to sense or feel in more liberating ways and raising them or leading them to become more conscious, you're also raising yourself to feel in new ways and become conscious in new ways. That's a lot of hard work that is deserving of a break. It's impossible to be raising people 24/7 without eventually hitting a wall of pure exhaustion.❤️
