Isolated

Notmyrealname2 · ‎25-10-2015

I am trying to be strong but I am really struggling to alter my current situation.

I just find myself alone and without trying online dating - which seems to be a bad idea for me right now - I don't know how to connect with people.

My ex-husband and I separated a year ago after a draining 3 yr relationship. We have a 2.5 year old girl and I constantly want to share my experience of parenting with some kind of family - but my family is very aloof. At times I try to reach out I feel snubbed and there is never any recognition from them that I might need some support and company. If anything I feel that my mum is secretly enjoying my pain and encouraging division between my sister and I.

I think if I didn't need to be here for my daughter and to provide as the parent both paying child support and with more custody I would just run away. I would move somewhere to start fresh and meed a whole new network of people - but I can't.

Add onto that the fatigue of being a single parent working full time, financial stress with no idea of how I can provide alone for my daughter long term and the cruel lengthiness of the legal divorce process - I am just feeling totally defeated.

White_Rose · ‎25-10-2015

Hello NMRN

Thanks for posting and welcome to Beyond Blue. Separation is always painful and exhausting especially when children are involved. I am sorry you are going through this bad time. BB has information about many topics including grief and loss. http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0390

Financial worries really make your life difficult and with no family support everything seems to get worse. I presume you have the help of a solicitor in managing your divorce. To get some free financial advice go to the Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC), http://asic.gov.au/ I know, it seems an odd place to get domestic financial help. Click on ASIC's Money Smart then go to financial counselling. There are a number of helpful links and you can talk to a financial adviser. This service was free and I believe it still is. You will be connected to the service in your state. This may help to alleviate some of your worries.

I often suggest people have a chat with their GP when they feel so down and disheartened. I find my GP a wonderful support and she has many practical suggestion. It doesn't mean you will need to take medication or visit a counsellor or anyone else, unless you feel this would be helpful. My suggestion is for you to have a general health checkup and someone to talk to. GPs do more than prescribe medication and send people to specialists.

Another suggestion is to find a playgroup that operates near you. I am presuming your daughter goes to daycare while you are at work. This organisation may know of a suitable playgroup where you and your daughter can go and you will meet other mums and can chat about your children. I realise your options are limited as you are working but there may be a nearby group. What about chatting to the parents as they collect their children from daycare? You may form a friendship there.

Why can you not move away? You can take your daughter with you and start afresh. When your divorce is finalised you can consider your options. Talk to your solicitor about this. Sharing custody does not force you to remain in one area for the rest of your life.

Please write in again and talk about how we can help you further. Remember the BB helpline 1300 22 4636 is available 24/7.

Mary

pipsy · ‎25-10-2015

Hi Notmyrealname 2 Have you been to Centrelink re: your financial situation. As far as lawyers are concerned do they not have a legal aid system for people who don't have a lot of cash? Is your daughter involved with any play groups/school. I would also look at parents without partners for emotional support. Sometimes our own parents are so frightened of 'getting involved' between son and daughter in-law/daughter and son in-law, that they tend to try to 'stay out of it'. Can I ask why hubby is not paying child support? This would help. Child support and visitation doesn't mean you have to have any contact with him when he visits child. You can arrange a mutual drop off/pick up neutral area where you don't see him, so there's no stress to child. Your lawyer should be able explain this. I understand you can't take the child interstate without hubby's knowledge, or consent, but maybe you could arrange some time away when hubby has child. If he doesn't want to see child, I wouldn't tell child, just explain 'daddy's busy'. Don't try to poison child against dad, if that is happening from dad to child against you, don't buy in. Children quite often defend non-custodial parent when they're too young to realize the problem. Once divorce is final, a lot of your present anxieties will settle. It's very unsettling for you because you're never sure what's next with legal problems. See your lawyer re: legal aid though. Can't hurt.

Missmia · ‎01-11-2015

Hi NMRN

I hear your pain. I have been there (a long time ago). It was the need to care for my child that kept me going. It was the only thing that kept me going.

We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends. Have you heard the term 'framily'? They are the people we meet who accept us as we are and like us. We can choose to make these friends our family.

If you can accept that, for the moment, there will not be a huge amount of support from your family, you may become more open to the idea that there are other people who will help you out, perhaps only in small ways - but that's a start.

If you can, try to show people who you really are - your sense of humour, your kindness, your courage and (if you can) your optimism. It's only when you show people who you really are, that your framily can find you.