Isolated and alone, marital issues, etc

[AMW]

Hi, I'm a mother of 3 and have been married for 19 years. 3 years ago I found out that my partner is cheating on me, with an ex-girl friend. He has been cheating on me on and off with this person for about 22 years. Yes, he has been cheating on me prior to getting married too! Since I found out, I have been completely distraught, felt like my whole world has ended. He is apologetic, and wants to work it out with me. But I do not trust him. He lied and cheated for 22 years. Everything I know about his affair to date are things I have found out through other people. He has never disclosed anything 'new'. I feel so isolated and alone. My kids do not know anything about it. When I am with them I pretend everything is normal. But I am dead inside.  

[AMW]

Thank you Picture. 

Sharing my worries in this forum is helping me so much! Thank you for being a sounding board. 

My kids are currently 16, 14 and 9.

I want to tell each of them when they are 18 years old. 

I fear that they will find it too hard to handle if I tell them any earlier than that. 

I have discussed this a lot with my psychologist, GP and psychiatrist. 

Although they all agree that I should tell the kids, it is which version and the timing that their advice differs on. 

I have done some research regarding the legal side of things too. 

My partner will demand shared custody for sure. Which is one of the reasons why I will wait to tell the kids. When they are 18, they do not have to be under any custody arrangement. They can do what they want. If their relationship with their father is bad, then they do not have to live with him, even if it is only part of the time.

I have also considered the financial aspect. If the kids are 18, they will be financially independent. Of course I will support them with some things, but the bulk of the expenses are gone (such as school fees, extra curricular activities, etc) 

I cannot afford full-time custody of the kids on my own roght now. So if the kids are over 18, then they will be able to pay for some things on their own. 

I don't want to have to depend on my partner for any child support. It will be very difficult with him. 

[Picture]

Hi AMW 

I am glad sharing your worries is helping you. Sometimes these things are too hard to face alone.

When you say you are planning on leaving soon, what timeframe are you thinking? 

Is it that you are planning to separate before you reveal to the children the circumstances surrounding the separation (ie infidelity)?

While it is good you have started to consider arrangements post separation, I would still suggest legal advice that is specific to your situation. My friend recently attained legal advice in a relationship breakdown and the lawyer had very practical suggestions for her regarding the bank account, staying in the house, her likely financial entitlement post separation etc

I can understand there is a lot to consider. Hoping you can enjoy some time with your kids while considering these difficult issues.

[Fadinghope]

Hello AMW, 

I am so sorry to read about your situation. There is a horrible tension that exists when anyone is trying to decide whether to stay or to go. I have heard that ruminating on that question brings more pain. In my experience it did. That perhaps the only thing to do is to focus on yourself, your own healing etc and then the answer as to whether to stay or go will emerge as you work on yourself. I hope that's helpful. 

Also I have read that the impact of an affair discovery is considered betrayal trauma, and therefore is a full on trauma - as your brain and body would be telling you right now. It is so important to recognise the fact that it is a trauma, and therefore be super caring toward yourself and give it the weight it deserves.

The only way through then is complete focus on yourself and your own therapy, health etc. Your feelings about whether to tell the children are fair enough. It is a tough one. In the end you are doing your best to navigate an extreme situation, with pressure coming at you from many different angles. You sound like a very caring mother who wants the best for the children. May you feel the support of good people/services as you step though this one tiny step at a time. Take care. 

[AMW]

Thank you Picture and Fadinghope, for your caring words and suggestions.

When I say I am planning to leave, I do recognise that it cannot be anytime soon.

My youngest I only 9, and he is very attached to his father. Even a shared custody arrangement at the moment would distress him too much. And I don't want to give my Partner more control over my son than I have to.

I have another concern that my son will end up being like his father, as to him his father is the 'ideal man'. He's sporty and smart, etc. My son considers him a hero.

I don't know when I will leave. All I know is that I have to wait until my son is a bit older.

I know I have suffered a huge traumatic even. When all this came out I was diagnosed with severe depression. I lost a lot of weight. I blwas just 46kg. I looked sickly. 

I was given meds by my GP, and then from a psychiatrist, as the meds from the GP were not enough. 

I was suicidal too. Even now I have dark moments when I just wan to run, keep running, I don't care where I go or what happens to me. 

I do think I have come a long way from 3 years ago. Although there are still days when I cry a lot, I am able to keep putting one foot before the other each day. 

[tramezzini]

Hi, I’m a mother of two young kids, married for 8 years. Recently I found out that my partner has been secretly visiting an erotic massage place and watching pornography. This has happened a few times over several months, even after we’ve had intimacy together.

I feel completely shocked and betrayed. It’s not just the acts themselves — it’s the secrecy and lies. I only found out by accident, and I don’t know if I can fully trust him right now.

I’m trying to keep life normal for the kids, but inside I’m anxious, sad, and unsure if things can ever feel safe again. He says he’s sorry and wants to fix things, but I need honesty, transparency, and consistent action to even start rebuilding trust.

It feels isolating, and I’m struggling to process it while also managing work, children, and daily life.

i wrote a post about it too here in the forum. I am not sure what to do but like yourself it is hard to leave due to kids. it feels so lonely . Humiliated and betrayed.  

[AMW]

Hi tramezzini

Thank you for sharing your story. I know exactly how you feel. The fact that your partner can lead almost a 'double' life is the most concerning and worrying thing. 

From my own story, the other thing I ask myself is that what if it never got caught? It is obvious that the double life would have continued. 

My partner did admit several times that he would have never confessed or come out with it, if he had not got caught. He would have continued to do it, as for 22 years he managed to do it and not get caught. 

My partner also promises he will never do it again, and that he is sorry.

But I can't trust him now. Everyone around me, including counsellors and psychologists I have seen, tell me that I should not trust someone that lied and did all this for so long, never confessed themselves and didn't feel bad about it until he got caught. 

Trust is hard to build. My partner now thinks that I should just forget what happened, put it in the past, forgive him, etc. But it is easier said than done! I can't just roll over and think that it is all in the past, all is well now. 

That would be foolish! 

How are you managing the rest of the family? Does anyone in your family know? 

In my case, most of my immediate family know. And that adds so much more shame and burden to the situation.

Please keep sharing and talking about your issues. It will help you.

[tramezzini]

Since I last posted, things have become emotionally unstable again. We had a short period where communication felt calmer and more open, which gave me some hope. But when I tried to express feeling overwhelmed and needing respect and safety in communication, the situation escalated quickly.

During the conflict, I was told that the relationship is “dead,” that nothing will change in the future, and I was asked things like “do you blame me for going to other women?” I was also told that I’m over-emotional and that my reactions are the real problem.

What I find especially hard is that once things felt calm again, it’s as if the betrayal and the discussions we’ve had are forgotten. That makes rebuilding trust feel impossible. He also cancelled therapy counselling..

I’m trying to stay focused on keeping life stable and safe for the children, but emotionally this is exhausting and heartbreaking. I’m sharing because I feel very alone and confused about how to move forward when trust, accountability, and respectful communication keep breaking down. I am all alone, I have no one here.

[AMW]

Hi tramezzini

Please do not think you are alone. There are so many people who are in similar situations. I am one of those people.  I started this message thread because I feel isolated and alone.

For what is worth, you are in a similar situation to myself. So you are not alone.  You can always share your woes in thisthread,and I will support you anyway i can. 

I am also focusing on my kids, and my job. I want to give my kids a stable home, and raise them the way I always envisioned. To do that I have to stay in this marriage. If I leave I will be a single parent,and I will struggle with the day to day management of my kids. Plus I will struggle financially. Once my kids are grown up, and have moved out, I will leave too. 

As you, I know I cannot trust this man. He's selfish, and if he could have an affair and not get caught, he will undoubtedly not turn away from that chance. He has no morals or values. The question is always if he could do it, and not get caught. Not about what is right, and how many people's lives would be impacted by his wrongdoing.

My partner is also into pornography. Apparently it is something he and the woman he cheated with have in common. They like watching  porn, and also making pornographic content themselves. 

This is another reason why I know now that I can never have a meaningful relationship with him.

I am so different to him. 

Another reason why I've decided to stay in this marriage until the kids are grown up is that I worry what he might expose the kids to, if we were divorced and had shared custody of the kids. 

I don't know what kind of people he will bring home, and expose the kids to. 

At least while I'm living in the same house, I can ensure my kids safety. 

Please take care. 

[Warrior]

Being dead inside tells you your not safe... he will use and abuse you as long as he is getting what he wants. Men like this have serious issues im not aure what they are but I think they belong in a different category rather than a human being... people can hurt people make mistakes and absolutely no one is perfect but cheating is abuse its a cycle ... I hope that id you have support either some where to go or for him to leave it would hurt so so much but without him is a better future for you and your children you won't belive it coming from a stranger but in time you will see and it will disgust you... everything you know about it he hasn't told you which probably means they are so many more lies and deception its hard to face the truth but I think in your heart you know and thats the last part to let go after the vicious cycle of trauma and betrayal xo