Isolated and alone, marital issues, etc

AMW

Hi, I'm a mother of 3 and have been married for 19 years. 3 years ago I found out that my partner is cheating on me, with an ex-girl friend. He has been cheating on me on and off with this person for about 22 years. Yes, he has been cheating on me prior to getting married too! Since I found out, I have been completely distraught, felt like my whole world has ended. He is apologetic, and wants to work it out with me. But I do not trust him. He lied and cheated for 22 years. Everything I know about his affair to date are things I have found out through other people. He has never disclosed anything 'new'. I feel so isolated and alone. My kids do not know anything about it. When I am with them I pretend everything is normal. But I am dead inside.

Sophie_M

Hi AMW,

Thank you for opening up about something so painful. It takes a lot of strength to put words to that kind of heartbreak. The things you have described would shake anyone deeply, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling isolated and empty after discovering the betrayal and having to hold everything together for your children.

Sounds like you’ve been doing your best to stay strong for your family, but it’s also important that you have support for yourself. Sometimes talking things through with someone outside the situation, like a counsellor, psychologist, or the Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) can really help you begin to process everything and find small steps toward healing.

You deserve understanding and care right now. You don’t have to carry this pain alone, and reaching out here is a really good first step.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

AMW

Thank you Sophie M.

I have been talking to Counsellors, psychologists and even a psychiatrist over 3 years now.

I have been diagnosed with severe depression.

My partner has also been having phone sex with this woman, when he cannot meet her physically.

So he can and has been cheating without even leaving the house!

I know I cannot trust him anymore.

Even if he says he never will cheat again, he's done enough to prove he can do so much without feeling guilty, for years.

Picture

Hi AMW - sorry to hear you are going through this trauma. Feeling dead inside is a completely normal and expected response to a significant trauma. It will get less overwhelming in time with the right support.

I think it is reasonable to think you cannot trust him. Staying in a relationship after that is bound to impact your mental health.
Do you still live together? The difficulty is planning your next steps if you wish to exit the relationship. I suggest you get support from family/friends and engage a family lawyer as a matter of priority to get advice on where you stand and what the next steps could involve.

If you decide to separate you will need to talk to the kids. A psychologist will be able to assist with an appropriate approach.

Thinking of you at this difficult time

AMW

Hi Picture, thank you for your message. I do find the whole 'separation' topic stressful. At the moment we are living together, co-parenting. Our relationship is civil, we never argue in front of the kids, hence they know nothing about it. My oldest is 16. I want to tell her about this when she is 18. Alot of our extended family know about him cheating and also the phone sex. And did I mention, he has also made videos of himself masterbating for her. She has saved these videos, and her husband has found them. Apparently in those videos my partners face is visible and recognizable. My family are known to this woman's husband, and therefore my family know about the videos. I am worried that someone in my family will tell my kids, before I have a chance to tell them. They need to hear it from me. My partner and I agreed couple of years ago that we will tell the kids together. However, he is now backing down on that. He thinks the kids need not know until they are well into their 20s. This is because he is afraid that my daughters will not want to speak to him or have anything to do with him once they know. I keep reminding him that the kids still need to know, as we run the risk of someone else telling them, if we do not.

Any advice on this?

Picture

Hi AMW - my thoughts are as follows:

1. Remaining in a relationship with someone you cannot trust will likely detrimentally impact your mental health and self worth.

2. My understanding (and I am no expert) is it is possible to separate but live under the same roof, co-parent but not be in a relationship together.

3. I think not telling the kids what is going on is probably impacting your mental health. You are carrying a heavy burden largely by yourself.

4. I agree I think it is important to be honest with the kids, but it needs to be in a sensitive way.

Eg. ‘After much consideration Dad and I are no longer together as a couple but we have decided, at least for the time being, to co-parent while living together in this house. Dad has made some choices that broke my trust and we are now both doing the best that we can in a difficult situation. We are both still your parents and we both love you very much and will always support you.’

If it were me I would not tell the kids about the cheating in any level of detail as I would worry this would only make matters worse for them.

5. Even if you don’t plan to live separately anytime soon, I suggest you still get legal advice as to where you would stand should this happen down the track. It may take some of the fear and stress out of this possible outcome.

I hope this helps. Thinking of you

AMW

Hi Picture, thank you once again.

In regard to telling the kids only a high-level version, the issue with that is, a lot of the extended family know about it. Especially my family. They will not spare any of the details as they hate my partner. They will tell the kids the true story, as they do want the kids to know how bad he is.

My worry is that, the kids are going to hear all this from someone other than myself and him, and that will totally ruin my relationship with my kids.

Also, I don't know if I can live under the same roof with him and be separated. It would be too hard emotionally.

Picture

Hi AMW

It is a difficult situation for sure.

Given what you have said it seems you need to consider:

*whether you will stay with him (knowing that you cannot trust him); or alternatively

*make plans to separate in separate residences (suggest legal advice before any action is taken).

If you decide to stay with him, I would keep the disclosure of his breach of trust/infidelity high level and state that you are both working through the issues (if this is the case).

Alternatively, if you are planning to separate in separate residences, I suggest you mention that you keep the breach of trust/infidelity high level and then state that you are no longer a couple, but will always love and support the kids. In this case, legal advice regarding separation would be advisable.

You could just say to the kids that you both wish to keep the other details of the breach of trust/infidelity private while you both work out what the way forward looks like. I think it would be useful to request your family keep the details private so as not to further hurt the children. Even if they later find out further details from family, I don’t think the kids would be upset with you (if anything they would probably more protective of you). I do think honest high level communication is appropriate, but I would avoid giving details personally. However, you know everyone involved and are best placed to understand how people will handle this situation.

Wishing you the best as you consider this further.

AMW

Hi Picture

My family absolutely hate him. They think I should leave him. I kept saying to them that I must stay until the kids are a bit older.

I do think that I will not stay long. Living like this is not sustainable. Also, I don't want to live with someone I cannot trust. I will get older and I will grow more vulnerable with age. I don't want to be doubting everything he is doing, where money is being spent, etc, for the rest of my life.

Given his interest in porn, phone sex, etc, he's bound to cheat again.

Picture

Hi AMW

I see what you are saying. You are planning to leave but are waiting for the kids to get older. I agree staying with him would likely be detrimental to your mental health. In this regard, my thoughts are the earlier you can exit this relationship the likely better it will be for your wellbeing.

If you are planning to stay for a bit longer, I suggest you use this time to plan the end of the relationship, living and financial matters etc so there can be a relatively smooth transition when you decide to end the relationship. Legal advice will be important in this regard. Also, it will be important to have psychological support in place for yourself and for the kids in case they need it.

I am not sure how old all the kids are but perhaps discussing what you are planning to say to the kids with a family lawyer would be wise particularly where the approach is not agreed with your partner (in case it impacts custody arrangements). Also, talking with a psychologist about how to approach it in the circumstances could also be helpful.

You deserve a relationship that makes you feel valued and respected. I understand it is very difficult to make these big decisions when the family dynamic is involved. Wishing you all the best