Is this wrong?

[puzzlegirl]

Hello, and apologies for the crass-ness of this post. I am in the middle of a marriage that is completely disintegrated. He doesn't love me, doesn't want me. Recently told me he doesn't want to have sex with me. Then the next day tells me he doesn't think it's wrong for another girl to give him oral sex, and vice versa. We have always been monogamous, and he has said that sex is the line that crosses into an affair. Mind you, the relationship he has had with a woman these last 4 years I already consider an affair. Now with this new relaxed morality I've heard from him, I am questioning whether these two have already crossed that line? I certainly feel that there is nothing sacred left in my marriage, and this makes me feel even more like dirt. Do you think he's crossed the line? Or am I being super moral and should I lower my standards also? He also encouraged me to go out and find a man to give oral sex to. It just makes me feel worthless. I'm just not sure if my view is clouded by my hurts. Thanks for your input.

[puzzlegirl]

Sorry to hear of your difficult past. And it's interesting to see your own self love journey. It's funny you know, I think at the bottom of perhaps a cause for my marriage break down, and my current difficulty in grieving it's loss, is the common theme that I don't have self love. I have relied for too many years on the opinion and love of my husband and now that has been removed I am without a firm foundation. I don't know who I am without him. And I agree with that part about feeling good in not being wanted- because it confirms our own beliefs about ourself and our worth. Actually, that is not healthy at all!! I don't want to be unwanted because it HURTS, but nonetheless it feels familiar and confirms my own self-belief. Oh wow, such a freaking epiphany. Maybe I am more a contributor to this marriage breakdown than what I would like to believe (**starts self-hating cycle**). And so, I choose to break that cycle and explore what self love can look like. For now, I'm just going to make a cuppa and stare at Netflix because it's just a little bit too hard.