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Is my fiance as good as I think

Jammies
Community Member
Hi everyone.
This is my first forum post of any kind.
I have been with my fiance for 5 and a half years, and been engaged since last January.
I work for his parents on below minimum wage because I get some freebies, like fuel and rent.
I love my fiance, and life without him is unimaginable.
But he seems obsessed with money. He pays for my car, uni, groceries
And is paying for our entire wedding.
However he thinks I should 'show more gratitude's for all the money he spends on me.
However I never get thank you for cooking dinner, or working this underpayed job for the last 5 years to keep my parents happy, or thanks for sacrificing your career to live with me.
Tonight I cancelled my current semester of uni because I can't afford it and it feels
Wrong to expec him to pay for it for me.
However this makes me feel like a huge failure, like I'll never be anything except a fancy maid or his housewife, never have the job I've always wanted etc.
What do I do? I have always wanted to have my own money, but my own car and things but it isn't possible without leaving him.
I don't know how to deal.
This makes me feel like my life is over.
Without him I haven't got anything and I don't want a future without him in it
I know he loves me but he is so obsessed with money.
Please, I need advice.
5 Replies 5

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jammies~

You asked for an opinion so I will give you mine, and please excuse me if I seem harsh or blunt, maybe I see thngs differently than others

First by having control of the money there is no real equality in the partnership, he has the purse strings and you get waht he gives.

Second expecting you to feel grateful for his controlling behavior is another form of control in itself -make you feel guilty.

Working below award for petrol and board might be OK in some circumstances though I doubt that is all there is to it here, again a way of keeping the money away from you. Doing the housework without proper appreciation, dividing up the jobs equitably and giving thanks and appreciation sound like what you said -being treated as a maid.

Being manipulated into not reaching you full potential and desires by discouraging your uni course is another form of control - one with long term effects.

Each action may seem logical or reasonable at the time, but all seem designed to make you the subsidiary extension of your BF -and maybe his family too.

He orders, you sacrifice - an unbalanced relationship where as time goes on you may well come to regard yourself as second best and incapable.

My apologies for such a negative reply. If you think I'm wrong please sing out, I'd welcome any thoughts you had

Croix

grt123
Community Member
I agree with Croix. Something is not quite right.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Jammies, welcome to the forum and well done for making your first post.

Croix has written a very supportive post.

I see you are torn between the love for your boyfriend, and the frustration of being underpaid and not having control of your money.

hen someone pays for something then demands being thanked all the time it can be exhausting.

Only you can make the decision you need to as you know all the facts and what is happening in your life.

Have you ever explained to your boyfriend about how you feel about having no control of your money.?

Feel free to reply.

Quirky

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jammies,

You day some things that made me think your self-esteem is suffering, including “without him I haven’t got anything” and “I always wanted to have my own money..but it isn’t possible without leaving him”. May I ask why it isn’t possible without leaving him. That seems highly unusual given that virtually every relationship has, or is capable of having, two equal and fairly independent adults. For example, could you not tell his parents that you have loved working there and thanks for everything they have done, but you have been offered another job? It sounds as though this has started wearing you down and making you think that maybe you aren’t worthy or able to make your own money. I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn, I just wanted to say that you are always capable of standing up and getting some independence. You don’t need to ask permission for it.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jammies and welcome!

I'm going to go a little outside the square here in regard to the money aspect of things. In my opinion, there is no value in money itself (bits of paper or plastic); the value is found in the opportunities money provides us with, such as food, being able to live under a roof, the chance to educate our self and so on.

With you on equal footing with your fiance, in the way of opportunity (for you do provide him with many as a result of what you do for him), the question becomes 'Are you deprived of certain opportunities, in the way of personal growth?' If you can see yourself never having the education or career which goes toward feeding your soul, I imagine the answer to be yes. Do you think there would be more opportunities available to you if you found a different job, whilst in the relationship? Would a different job provide you with the funds to remain at uni, for example?

Discussing not the money but the opportunity aspect of the relationship with your partner could be the way to go. 'I'm grateful for the opportunities you provide me with but I'd like for us to be able to grow/evolve further, both personally and together...' This could be a starter in a conversation that obviously needs to be had. If your partner sees money as money and nothing else (something to be acquired or spent), it might pay to try and change his view of it. Coming to see it as an opportunity for personal/mutual growth may help him change his mind when it comes to you remaining in a position of working for his parents. By the way, there's always the chance he was raised to view money the way he does, with no one showing him otherwise.

I suppose, at the end of the day, the ultimate question becomes 'What opportunities are you seeking to provide for each other?' I believe mutual love is found in the desire for each other's evolution. Self-love involves our desire for personal evolution. Never stop loving yourself!

Take care