Is it my anxiety or a genuine concern?

[Jess90]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for around 5 years. My partner and I have been together for around 18 months now. Things just aren’t adding up. He has previously cheated on me with his ex partner which resulted in her physically assulting me when I caught her at his house. He claims she was only there for his sons birthday (not her child) but she claims otherwise and this was August last year. I walked away and called our relationship off at that point. He came back claiming he was sorry and never wanted her there and would do anything to make it better to which I’ll admit he really did try. I struggled to move on for a while and then the phone calls started again, hiding his phone and kept getting caught with little lies. Until a few months ago when all this shit behaviour just stopped. He claims to this day he hasn’t had anything to do with her since the assult in August but would never explain the suds behaviour. Things have been going great lately until this last week. The phone started getting hiden away again and I found a Valentines Day card from her that he received this year. Doesn’t make sense to me if he hasn’t had anything to do with her and I’m to afraid to bring it up because every time I do he get annoyed and angry and thinks I just can’t move on from the past. I know since the cheating my anxiety and depression has come back into my life and has played a part in preventing our relationship from healing because I’m constantly thinking the worst, constantly on edge and over thinking things but at what point can I tell the difference between a genuine concern and my over thinking and anxiety affecting my relationship? I’m struggling to deal with it at this point.

[Croix]

Dear Jess90~

I guess as you have found out trust is fragile and once broken is hard to regain. While I suppose there does need to be contact between your partner and his ex as children are involved it really is up to him to help put your fears to rest.

Having given you one cause to be suspicious with that incident in August he really should be going out of his way as often and as long as it takes for you to feel secure. He should do this out of simple care for you and your happiness.

You did say he had been trying. I suppose there is a possibility that he has in fact been behaving properly, and his ex has been stirring up trouble. If that were the case not mentioning might be understandable. Whatever the case if you both want the relationship to continue trust needs to be reestablished.

Can you talk with him and put the onus on him to ensure your peace of mind? His simply getting angry is no real answer. Do you think that couples counseling might be worth trying?

Being in this situation must feel as if you are very alone. do you have anyone, parent, family member or friend to support you? An outside perspective and care might be quite a help.

All this, as you say, will have made your depression and anxiety that much worse. Do you mind if I ask if you are under medical treatment at the moment? I'd think it would be a good move if you have not done so already.

Please keep in touch, and let us know what you think

Croix