Irrational thoughts?

[Bluebird46]

I have had a few months where things have been so busy which has taken my mind off things but now my feelings are bubbling to the surface again...

My partner who I don’t live with is going through a few things. He suffers from self esteem issues because of his weight, which preceded our relationship by years. His weight is definitely not an issue for me, but his self consciousness about his weight definitely is, he says he hates being overweight and wants to do something about it, he has tried half heartedly but is not committed, and as a result is still miserable about it which is consequently rubbing off on our relationship. He has some family issues and is not happy with his job, whereas when we met he loved his job. He also has some family worries which I very much empathise with as I often feel homesick for my own family.

When we met over 2 years ago he had been separated for a few years, but was not divorced. I was divorced before we met, and I did feel like he was close to being divorced. He has always been keen to move our relationship forward, but is still not divorced. He says it is monetary but he earns more than me, and has options available re his budget but he hasn’t taken them.

Almost a year ago, he was suffering medical issues which were very much stress induced, and we were due to travel imminently. He was finalising his financial separation and due to his illness had missed the ball re a legal deadline. As a result we were faced with cancelling/ruining the holiday (which was also a visit to my family) or me lending him a significant sum which I did. This hasn’t been an issue for him because he is paying interest and is now looking at remortgaging but I am renting and feel like I am stuck until the loan is repaid.

His kids are younger than mine, and I have been having issues with my youngest who is horrendously moody (oldest has flown the nest). We were wanting to live together but I am feeling less inclined as am feeling so unloved by my own kids, why would I want to prolong the agony by living with my partners kids? If I am struggling coping with my own kids where there is a biological bond how will I cope when there is no biological bond?

Thoughts would be appreciated. I should say that I have no doubts as to his integrity at all, and he is an absolute gentleman at all times, but our circumstances have robbed us of the romance we had and I don’t know what to do

thanks for reading

[white knight]

Hi bluebird, welcome

Your life just isnt coming together is it?. For it to reach an ideal level of happiness those road blocks must be removed. But, some cant be.

As much integrity as he has, the saying goes -"there's no friends in business". You have every reason to push for a payment plan. In fact he should have commenced one with respect to you for your assistance. Dragging out his divorce is odd to me.

Im concerned with your hesitation with his children. I lived with a woman for 10 years that was reluctant to be a committed step mum. Her children were 15 and 18 mine 9 and 6. 10 years it lasted and although her alcoholism and abuse played a large part in the separation, her lack of blending didnt help. It takes a high level of dedication.

I think a few sessions with a family counsellor would be very beneficial with or without your man.

I hope I've helped.

Tony WK

[Bluebird46]

Thanks Tony,

As you lived with someone who was a reluctant step-mum (which I very much am), with hindsight would you have still moved in together knowing what you know now?

The way my own kids have been behaving towards me is making me look forward to a time when I don’t have to deal with kids full stop. When I met him I was looking forward to living with him (and blending our families) but having problems with his kids behaviour (which has much improved since I put my foot down ), followed by my selfish teenager is making me feel like I’ve had enough of kids to last me a lifetime - how bad is that!

BB

[white knight]

Hi bluebird

The answer is no.

I was after love. I hoped she would eventually love my kids and we'd be a happy Brady bunch. It never developed that way.

Thats the difficulty when trying to find love BB. Most people your age have kids. In hindsight before I fell in love, at the "fond of" stage I'd seek out compatibility with both sets of kids.

In search of love its understandable to gloss over the potential issues. In your case, his children being so young, you would need to be a total nurturer of children type of person and/or one that cant have children with patience and desire.

My second wife is such and never had kids. My eldest daughter wont ever see her birth mum. Last year my daughter got married and chose my wife as - mother of the bride and calls her "mum".

Some adults have that as part of their nature and others dont. Its not a fault. Its how we are.

Google

Topic: acceptance the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

You could continue your relationship at a distance, not move in, rarely see his kids etc. If you wanted that lifestyle. However even as young adults his children will be demanding just in a different way.

Ideally, when seeking love we should have a list of needs and stick to them. Sounds easy but isnt.

Repost anytime.

Tony WK