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Insecure new relationship

Friendzle
Community Member

I'm recently out of a long term relationship where my ex was emotionally abusive and cheated on me multiple times. The break up was quite traumatic and drawn out, but I've finally been able to move on.

I'm 1 month into a new relationship with a FIFO guy, which is a totally different dynamic than what I'm used to.

We had a great connection while he was here, but since he's been gone the conversation has turned very sexual. I worry that we're building a relationship on just sex.

I really like him, and I want things to work out. He's really sweet and takes me on nice dates, but the shift in our dialogue makes me worry that its just sex.

I know I'm still dealing with my own deamons and battling the insecuirty that goes hand in hand with being emotionally and physically cheated on, so are my concerns genuine? Or just insecure thoughts I should dismiss?

5 Replies 5

Apollo_Black
Community Member

The best thing I can suggest is to tell him about your concerns straight up. Tell him what you expect in a relationship. Then there's no confusion.

How long has it been since your previous relationship? Sometimes it's good to be comfortable on your own before getting into another relationship. You said it yourself. You're still battling your own demons. Perhaps you should sort that out before entering into another relationship.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Friendzle~

I've read your other posts where you has the misfortune to be with someone that did not really care for you, and you broke up

Now you are in a new relationship and naturally - given your past experience - wonder about things. If it was me I'd also probably feel somewhat worthless and also that I'd failed - not sensible to feel that way but human.

You are also in a different sort of relationship because your new partner spends a deal of time away (I'm guessing that's FIFO means)

First off talking about sex when apart can be either good - or bad, I can't tell from what you've said and I guess you can't either. The fact you two are talking is good.

I would think all you can do is judge the relationship as it matures. If you end up with someone who shows caring and consideration on a daily basis -not just on dates - then you are well on your way to what you both need.

Similarly showing you care about what he needs (not just sex) is just as important.

Talk between the two of you about this worry you have, if he cares about you he will consistently try to make you feel better.

On what you've said - If it was me I'd give it time

My best wishes

Croix

MindfulStep
Community Member

Hi,

I am a woman who has had a similar journey with men. The truth is - if a man starts to talk about sex early on in a relationship he is signalling to you sex is on his mind and it is a priority. There is no right or wrong, but you need to be very clear about what you want. Is jumping into sex for you likely to make you more anxious, would you feel more comfortable with a man who is interested in you as a person. Also, just because a man takes you to dinner does not make him a gentleman - the best men I've known did not take me to dinner - they were just as happy to chat over coffee and talk about life, philosophy, music, travel...not their needs and desires.

Noone is obligated to get naked with another human being until they are good and ready - be clear about your boundaries - noone sets up the rules about your body except you - you ultimately have all the control.

It took me a long time to learn that so good luck! Being empowered takes patience and practice.

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Friendzle. Interesting choice of name btw. I'd be inclined to be a bit cautious here. I met my (now ex) over 30 years ago, after my then marriage went pear-shaped. My ex was a bit full-on sexually too. He asked me to go for dinner, immediately following he made it clear why the dinner invite. We married (big mistake), it ended last year after 25 years of emotional abuse. If you have any doubts, you need to talk to him about what's troubling you. If he genuinely loves and cares for you, he will, as the saying goes, 'shift Heaven on earth' for you. In other words, love is something that goes hand in hand with respect. If it is just a sexual partnership for him, his respect will be less. I do have someone in my life and he totally understand my emotional demons as I understand his. I can talk to my bf, he sometimes 'blasts' me, but it is done out of love and respect. If you can talk to your bf and he is prepared to listen, it means you are both on the same wave-length.

Lynda

We do have a genuinely great connection outside of the bedroom, but sometimes I feel like he's placing a lot of priority on that part of the relationship over us going on dates or spending non sexual time together.

I can recognise that sometimes I get very anxious/ insecure about us and what his motives are.

I'm trying to promote quality time over sex more regularly, which has been lovely. I just tend to get a bit insecure when we're apart and start to overthink things.