For myself having depression on the best of days sucks and to make it worse its something that seems to run on both sides of the family.
The hardest part tho is i feel two parts to me the outer me trying to go day to day and the inner me which is screaming and screaming and even abuses me and puts me down that i get to a point i get confused and selfish feel no quilt. Which sadly goes to me thinking im not worth the time and day and some stage my partner will be sick of me so i go out of my way to destroy what i have and im at a loss.
Hi Yetti. The inner battle you're talking about is something people with depression face all the time. Part of you wants to scream, shout, the other part of you is trying to stay on top, the battle is hard and trying. Do you know what's making you feel this way? Is it something definite or just everything in general? Have you seen a Dr to discuss your feelings with. Perhaps it's worth thinking about. Your mixed emotions need to be controlled, sometimes a Dr will prescribe short term AD's to help relax and calm you. While you're trying to face this alone, your emotions are having a 'field' day. If you can get to see a Dr, it would be helpful, then maybe look at seeing a therapist which would help you overcome your feelings. A Dr could recommend a therapist, so you have no fears about finding one yourself.
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to come and talk with others who have been through the same experiences as you.
How well I know those two sides of us. One trying to keep everything under control and they other side kicking and fighting. I see you are taking an antidepressant. Do you also see a psychologist? If not perhaps you could mention this to your doctor on Thursday. Having some counselling can help you understand and manage these emotions which are so destructive. And it may only be for a short time.
Remember that all those negative thoughts you have come from the depression. It seems we have a brain which fights against itself. No wonder we are confused. And pushing away the people who can help us is such a classic symptom. At least you are not alone. When you have these thoughts, especially about your partner, try to remember the good things you have shared. They may be small but it's important to remember them and remind yourself he is not going to leave you.
It is hard to do this while your brain is screaming at you that you are worthless. Why and how did you get together? Think of the things that attracted you to him and him to you. You are the same people and it's important to remember that. You have not grown pointy ears or a long nose, or any other traits. So why would he leave you?
I suggest you write some affirmations about yourself. These are things like, 'I am beautiful to (insert husband's name) and he loves me.' 'My friends like me and enjoy my company.' I'm sure you can think of others. I have various poems stuck on the wall in my kitchen. Put your affirmations in places where you will see them often during the day.