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In need of friends

InLimbo
Community Member

Hi, first time on here. I'm 37yrs and have had depression and anxiety most if my life.  I find it hard keeping friends, mainly because most people are very superficial and are not truly there for the 'good and the bad' if a relationship. I've asked my psychologist how to make friends and she says once I'm working again I'll find people. I just don't know if I can wait that long. I need a friend to chat, laugh, cry with. I find when I have a true friend to be with my motivation in life is better and my depression lifts. I've dealt with a few traumatic events in my life. The most recent losing a baby at 22weeks. I'm still doing IVF and it's becoming increasingly difficult to cope with the constant letdowns. It doesn't help I don't have any girlfriends to to talk to about it. Anyway, just thought I would put it out there and see what people think.

6 Replies 6

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello InLimbo, certainly being connected with others can help you with your depression. I think in the first instance, though, you might need to examine your outlook on relationships with other people. You've made quite a sweeping statement about how most people are superficial and not truly there for support.  Now, this may well be true with some of the friendships you've had in the past, but do you have the evidence to back up that statement about everyone you might encounter in the future?

The reason I ask is because these kinds of thoughts are corrosive. They will linger under the surface, and they will affect your ability to make and maintain future friendships. If you assume that everyone you meet is superficial and doesn't really care about you, you'll start to make assumptions about their behaviour, their words, that may not actually be true.  

In fact, depending on how long you have held these views, they may already have affected some of your friendships in the past.

Putting that to one side, and back to friendships. I wonder whether you might be able to make some friendships via IVF support groups.  It's such a difficult and traumatic process sometimes, and other women going through the same thing will really be able to relate to you.  There's nothing like a shared challenge to bring people together.  Have you thought of seeking out some IVF support groups maybe online, or perhaps the clinic or your doctor might be able to suggest some?

pipsy
Community Member
Hi there, InLimbo.  The loss of a baby anytime is pretty traumatic, but when it's basically stillborn, it seems worse.  You never got to hold it, love it.  You were robbed of every woman's basic need for a child.  When you lost it, did you have any sort of counselling to help you work through your grief?  Through counselling you possibly would meet other mothers who are going through grief also from losing a child, whether still born, cot death, whatever.  These people, like you need to talk to other grief mothers to share their feelings with.  Quite often with these people you do meet caring people who know exactly where you're coming from.  People who have no idea how you feel would seem uncaring, they're not usually, it's just that because they're not sure what to say, they either say nothing, or open their mouth to 'change feet'.  Also if the IVF program seems to be taking forever to work, this can be frustrating.  As Jess said, if you can talk to others having the same treatment, this would help you while you wait each time you have the treatment.  I totally agree with Jess, ask your Dr about IVF support groups, or grief counselling to get you through those dark times wondering why it happened.  No-one really understands why some babies survive and are born healthy, happy and others don't make it.  It wasn't your fault, it just happens.  Possibly, if the baby had gone full term, there might have been other complications.  Try not to dwell too much on the whys and why nots.  That'll cause more grief and self doubt.  Let's hope next time it will be successful and you'll have a beautiful baby to care for and nurture.        

InLimbo
Community Member

Hello JessF, thank you for taking the time to reply. I see your point of view and agree. I did make a a sweeping statement and I am a little embarrassed because I was caught up in the negative moment and letting depressive thoughts get the better of me. 

I struggle with self esteem and do not feel I am good enough in many shapes and forms. I often feel like my friends loose interest in me because I don't have an exciting life. Perhaps I jump to negative conclusions without any evidence. A poor habit of mine.

you have given me food for thought and how I should perhaps take some time first to work on myself before looking to build relationships. I think of myself as a warm and kind person, so do not inadvertently want to be exuding negativity onto people around me when it's not warranted.

This poses the problem on where to start! Time for a session with my psychologist 😉

InLimbo
Community Member

Hello Pipsy, Thankyou for replying so quickly. I do agree it would be very beneficial if I could meet some lovely souls through IVF channels however I am yet to be able to do so. I've contacted a couple of different groups only to find out they are no longer meeting. I continue to search though. 

I have been generally doing okay with the loss of my baby. It is more the thought of future loneliness should I not be able to conceive successfully. It is a hard road this IVF thing and my mental health is on a roller coaster. 

Thankyou for your kind words Pipsy, it has provided me with comfort. I have taken away some food for thought from both yours and Jess's words. 

Some days are hard to get through..... and then others are a breeze! Life can be like a box if chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get!

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello, I am so sorry for your loss, something which I haven't had to experience, but my brother and BIL have and when you asked them how they were, all they said was 'good', at which time I was a young man and didn't know or understand much about what they were grieving, but they wouldn't talk about it, which makes you very brave to come to this forum and open up.
To find other ladies who have been through the same sad event would certainly help you, but also the dad's suffer in silence.
We can only cross our fingers and wish you the very best. Geoff. x

Trapped_and_Crying
Community Member

Hello In Limbo-for now 😉

The limbo isn't for ever... that is a promise. I lost my Angel Baby at 22 weeks also. I live in SA but i would be more than happy to be your friend in any capacity, where ever you are. I didn’t talk about my loss for years and didn't give myself time to grief and heal. I had very few friends and none of them where any help as my friends all had babies to hold in their arms. I've been through depression and anxiety and drugs and therapy. 

I would be more than happy to hug you through the internet and be a person to make you feel like you're not the only one in the world.

 Strangers are friends you haven't met yet.

 Talk soon.