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in love with two people (who are best friends with each-other)

avara89
Community Member

Not really sure where to start...

10 years ago I was in a relationship that lasted about 3 years. He was my world, was my everything, and he loved me with such intense passion. I've never been with anyone since that has treated me so amazingly and left my whole heart burning for them. Towards the end of the relationship we became restless and fought lots...we were young...and I ended up spending more time with his best friend than him. His friend would always support and be there for me after fights with the bf.

During the 8 years that followed, I was in a different long term relationship which ended due to severe emotional and sometimes physical DV. I had kept in loose contact with the above mentioned best friend of the first ex.

After my second relationship ended, two years ago, the best friend of bf1, struck up an intimate relationship with me. We moved in together very quickly and now have a baby. We are fairly happy and he is a very good provider for our little family.

Here's my problem...the only reason why I followed into an intimate relationship with my current partner (best friend of bf1) was because he reminded me *so much* of my first bf. Like little mannerisms, facial expressions and such, that he had picked up from bf1 because they had lived together for so long. At the time, I was lonely and bf1 was living overseas, so I never thought I would see him again.

Fast forward to now. Bf1 is living in the same city and working with my current partner (his best friend). I see him almost everyday and it's killing me. I know I can't pursue anything, I flat out don't even talk to bf1 when I see him. I've gotten myself into this massive mess and now there's a baby involved. I thought I would be over bf1 by now. But I just can't stop thinking about him. It's consuming me.

I think my partner suspects that I still love his friend and has recently grown a little distant. I'm not sure if I should continue our relationship or what? I definitely want my baby to grow up in a stable home. If I stayed in this relationship I feel like it could definitely work and we would be happy, but do not believe I would ever love him the way I love bf1. Is it better to be with someone because your brain knows it's a good decision? Or do you go with your heart?

Sorry for long post...please no judgment. I do love my current partner...it's just a different, less intense, type of love.

15 Replies 15

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Avara

Hello and welcome. Thank you for posting here and telling us your story. It sounds a bit tricky so please excuse me if I don't quite answer your questions.

May I ask, when bf1 was overseas did you think about him then? I ask because sometimes we look back on a lost love through romantic spectacles. I know I most certainly did when my long-time BF and I separated. Since then I spent many years thinking about him and wishing things had turned out differently. In fact I have never seen him again so I have no idea what he was like when I kept thinking about him. I know he married because a mutual friend told me and that he later divorced and has remarried.

So for a long time I wished we could get back together but how well it would have turned out I don't know. This sounds very much like your situation. You were with BF1 for three years which was about the same time as me. You then had eight years of DV which must have dreadful and very different to your relationship with BF1. Do you think you his image in your mind may have become rose-coloured? Remember you separated because you were both restless and had started to quarrel.

You turned to his best friend for help and comfort and you stayed in contact with him during the next relationship. Clearly you trusted him which is a major part of staying with someone. Then you got together and now have a baby. You say you wanted to be with BF1 friend because his little mannerisms, facial expressions and such, reminded you of BF1. Yet he was the one who cared for and comforted you towards the end of your relationship with BF1, he was the one you stayed in contact with during your abusive relationship. There is a huge element of trust there and while it may not be as exciting as falling in love it will last a lot longer.

You said, I've never been with anyone since that has treated me so amazingly and left my whole heart burning for them. But you still separated. In terms of being a partner and father which one do you think will be there all the time and which one will not want to move on?

It is your decision to make. I suggest you think hard about which one you find more comfortable. You probably will not be as attracted to BF1 friend as BF1 but those sorts of intense emotional periods do not generally last as you have found out. It's not really a case of brain versus heart but of reality versus moments of excitement.

Please post back and tell us how you are going.

Mary

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Avara welcome to bb ☺

Tricky situation, I get that people can love more than one person, everyone has something different.

I wonder though with time if it'd be the same as before if yous did get back together

Do you think it maybe best to be honest with your partner now, be clear that you do love him though. Yes it'd hurt but it's also showing respect to him, no judge I think honesty is a good thing but entirely your call. Could push him away but he's clued onto it as you said by the sounds

Hard one for you, hope you return to let us know how you go

Good luck ☺

Hello avara89.

I also would like to welcome you to this forum.

As both White Rose and demonblaster have indicated, it could be a tricky situation. I would like to offer you a very long shot from my own situation.

I am a polyamorous male, and I am in a long term relationship with a polyamorous woman who will soon marry a man who is not polyamorous. I am supporting that woman with all that I have, and she knows it. She will soon find herself married to a man with whom she is madly, deeply and passionately in love, but she also knows that she cannot tell him about just how closely she and I are bonded, at least not until their marriage has stabilised. I will be supporting her in the stress that will inevitably arise in her about not being able to tell him everything about me. Such is the complexity of human relationships. However, knowing her she will work on making him self-confident and self-assured, and she will then make an informed decision about whether or not she should tell him everything about me.

While this might or might not work in your situation, I hope it gives you some ideas to work with, and I wish you the very best in that endeavour.

AAY

Good post youngster

Just looked up polyamorous which means intimacy with more than one partner with knowledge of to all involved.

Agree with open relationships? completely

Hello Avara

How are you going? I dropped by to say hello as we have not heard from you again. I hope all is going well.

Mary

Hello demonblaster.

Yes, polyamory is given to only very few individuals. It takes self confidence, self assurance (those two are slightly different), and the ability to have total trust in somebody else. Apart from my own wife, I am extremely fortunate to have three other such partners.

It is possible to build those attributes in another person. I speak from personal experience here. That building seems to depend on two things: the psychotype of the other person, and having the opportunity of expressing trust being presented to them. It is then down to the skill and experience of the first party to build those attributes in the other party.

The foregoing might or might not be useful to avara89.

AAY

Thx its interesting, so is it same if not maybe just similar to open relationships?

Very controversial i know but theres a whopping % of us that manogomy doesnt work, i reckon safe to say at least 60 + %

Interested if you wanna explain more if ok with Avara?

avara89
Community Member

Hello

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Mary; you have given me much to think about. What you said (about how I may be viewing the first relationship through rose coloured glasses due to the second relationship being so awful) has really resonated with me. It’s something I had not even considered, so thank you 🙂 I’ve been thinking about this lots and you may have hit the nail on the head. My current partner is very supportive, working so hard, so that I can be a stay at home mum. He is the one that has been there for me through thick and thin, and would be the person I would consider spending the rest of my life with knowing that he would always be my rock. I still yearn for some semblance of passion that my first relationship provided, maybe this is something I could initiate with my partner.

how do you ignite the “passion“ in someone that is very “sensible” and he’s not into trying new things (like in the bedroom haha)?

Hello avara89.

Thanks for the feedback! I think I can safely speak for everybody else when I say we all appreciate it.

All the best,
AAY