I wish I had a normal mother

[Cartons_of_milk]

Today I had a huge fight with my mum today and something inside me finally snapped. When we fought, she must have hurled at least a dozen insults at me. I blocked my ears so I couldn’t hear what she was saying and It was like the build up of emotions from the past year came out in that one singular moment. I screamed and shouted at her with a sort of rage and angst that I haven’t expressed in a while.

Because of my forgetful behaviour and disorganised life (possible ADHD) she’s been hurling insults at me ever since she realised I was too old to be spanked. But things have gotten so much worse in the last few years (I’d honestly prefer the spanking). I’m 15 now and she is a living nightmare. She gets upset about every single thing I’ve ever done and acts like I’m some sort of horrible, unlovable, stupid beast with no feelings. Nothing that comes out of her mouth is ever nice and mostly consists of her expressing how much she hates everything, which is mostly just me. She hates me so so so much. When she’s mad it usually ranges from ‘You’re such a disappointment’  to ‘F***ing loser’ and ‘Do you really expect anyone to like you?’. But it’s the stuff that she says when she’s not spiralling that really hits the deepest, because she says it EVERY SINGLE DAY. How she feels ‘desperate’ about me and how she compares me to some stranger’s kids online because I’m so unextraordinary. Then she’ll tell my little sister to never be like me because I’m so awful. I get where she’s coming from, I really really do, but when she’s angry she acts like I deserve to DIE or something just because I don’t get straight A’s or because I left my water bottle at school or because my room is messy or because I’m not winning any awards or prizes. I know that my grades aren’t as high as they could be and I know that I’m forgetful, disorganised and messy and there are things that I do that have frustrated her for so long but I don’t do it on purpose. And after everything she’s put us through, I still try to understand her and I still try to be empathetic (she’s a single mum half the time because my dad does FIFO) but she’s never cared about my emotions even once. When I cry, she’s either yelling or laughing at me.

She makes me feel so horrible about myself. For me, self-loathing isn’t new at all, but she makes me feel like killing myself. And what’s absolutely crazy is that she’s too stupid to realise what her words mean to other people. She acts all abusive when she’s upset and then goes back to normal as if she didn’t just tell me that she wished she never gave birth to me. But what I truly hate the most are the twisted ideas and thoughts she’s implanting into my 7 year old sister’s head. She talks about how she won’t love her anymore if she turns out like me and how I’m some sort of failed investment. She takes all her anger out on me when things aren’t even my fault and works herself up over the stupidest little things.

I see the relationships that my friends have with their mum’s and it makes me feel so horrible. Their mum’s support them and love them meanwhile my mum barely even talks to me. And when I tell my friends about what she’s like they either simply dismiss it as Asian parenting or they just sit there and in awkward silence with no comment whatsoever. Sometimes they tell me to get help.

I hate the sound of her whiny voice, I hate everything associated with her, I hate this house, I hate myself, I hate the way she thinks she’s always right and I hate that I have to stay with her for over two more years. I want to be normal and I want her to be normal too. I’m scared things will never change and I feel so alone in this household. I think she’s turned my sister against me.

Anyway I just wanted to vent for a bit. If you actually read this whole rant (for some weird reason), then thank you for your time.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, it's heart breaking when we don't get the love we need. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to call Kids Helpline, they can make it much easier to deal with.

I understand what is it like to be the target of our parents life frustrations and mistakes. Your mum needs to learn how deal with her emotions in a healthy way. I'd keep reminding myself that it's not me and focus on my life. Eventually you'll get independent and everything will be much easier. It's not easy but it's worth a try.

Please take care and let us know how you're going any time you feel like it

[Scared]

Thx cartons of milk. I love your online name.

Wow you are insightful for your age.

You have Empathy for your mums situation and that puts you leaps and bounds ahead.

It sounds like your mum is not coping with life and all your mums stress is being directed on you.  They call it Transference.

This is not healthy for having healthy Self Esteem.

First you need to feel good about yourself for having Empathy toward your mum.  After all the stresses you are facing you still have the understanding that its not easy for her either.

I have great respect for you in having said that.
Empathy for your mum and her circumstances may be the thing that can help you the most.

In life ,often if we need someone to change then it is we that need to initiate the change first.

Dont concern yourself with terms like" why should I have to change" or its unfair or even the other mums give more support than my mum.  We are talking only about you and your circumstances.

We can say its not fair and all of this is not right.  No its not right or fair but life is full of not right or unfair.

Its how we fix what is not right or whats not fair or harmful to us is the only thing that matters.

Today is going to be the start of a new chapter in life for YOU.

We will call it Operation " Dont drop the milk"

Start by helping mum , take some of her burden off her shoulders.

Start by devoting 10 min tidying your room everyday single day.

If dishes need washing just do it without being asked or told.

You know all the things  that need doing around the house.  Just help more around the house.

When home from school just start the conversation by saying " anything I can help you with mum"

Or just put the laundry on for you and your sister or offer to help cook.

Your smart so I know you know what I am saying.

Change and you may see change in others.

But importantly when you are older you can look back and feel good about who you are and the effort you made to help your mum.

You can be proud of the beautiful person whom you have become and this is important for how we feel about ourselves.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain

[Scared]

I need to add one more thing I forgot to mention.

When we change first sometimes it takes people time to see our change and that its not instant as we would like.

So when change is not having the effect you want you must keep going with your new change. This is where the work begins . Sometimes it takes a long time for others to feel the change and sometimes others are threatened by your change because they lose their power over you.

Keep it front of mind your motives for changing.

When I grow up I am going to think back what a beautiful person I was to my mum and of course we change in the hope that yours and mums life become a happy environment.

[Damian]

Sorry you're going through this. I have to say, it's not just an Asian thing. As someone who went through something similar and has taken years to realise he's not what he was told so often, I'd say that you need to remind yourself that you are a valid human being first and foremost. Grades not high enough? High enough for who? This clearly is about her, and not about you. I wonder if she went through something similar when she was your age. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but if you're able to understand why, that might help you deal with it more. A lot of anger is carried down the family line from one generation to the next, until someone realises it, steps back and is able to tell themselves that they're not going to repeat that behaviour. Sounds like you're aware of this. Are you ever able to ask her why's she's getting so upset? Easier said than done, I know. Take a step back a view the situation like it's on tv.

p.s. You're a teenager? Having a messy room and forgetting things is all part of the course!