Hi
I don't come on to these forums often. If I am being honest, I tend to forget that it exists. Anyway, I do not consider myself as having a biological mother (as far as I am concerned). I live with my biological mother, but I do not know who she is anymore. I have lost her to many years worth of chronic gambling and alcoholism. There are times where I look at my mother in the eyes after we have had a massive falling out. She tends to look lifeless and defeated. Our arguments often revolve around mundane matters. Whenever I have a genuine concern to share with her, or if there is something positive that I want to share with her, she does not listen, she becomes jealous (disguised as care/concern/protection), and she does not show any interest either. A good example of this is when I disclosed my feelings of attraction for an older man when I was younger. I was incredibly anxious about telling her this (I even had a bucket in case I was going to throw up), because he was someone I really liked and I did not have the confidence to ask him out on a date. She dismissed my feelings and told me to go back to sleep. She did not want, and still does not want to know about it. Even still to this day, when I try to explain to her what I was going through in my mind, she would tell me that she was never going to enable me and that she too lived through what I went through. Never in my life have I felt so invalidated by the woman who birthed me. I ultimately ended up in a psychiatric ward three times in the space of seven months over my bottled up feelings (which eventually came out as rage). I cannot express genuine frustration with her, because then she would bring up my medication with me and how taking every day will prevent me from being nasty to her (I do take it every day these days).
I even recall that she wanted to put a GPS tracking system on my car so that she could track where I would go.
I wish she was not my mother. I hate her with a passion. She has pushed me away, yet at the same time, I am a slave to her trauma bond.
There is more that I could write. I am too emotionally drained to write anything else right now.
