I've lost faith in relationships...my father cheated, my sister's husband cheated...

[Jessksch]

My father cheated and miss-treated my mum because she gained weight, he almost left her but they stayed together "for me" when I was young.

Yesterday I got a call from my sister, a 20 year relationship down the drain as he is leaving her for his girlfriend. She is amazing: beautiful, always active, very intelligent (she has a master's degree in science but gave it up to take care of the kids)...

Only a few days ago I got upset at my fiance because he seems to be taking me for granted; says he loves me but has a hard time opening up his emotions and being "sensitive" with me. He is kind and respectful, but not romantic or does not things for me unless I ask. He loves talking to me about his day and wants me to be there to listen to him, but doesn't show interest in my day or things. He says he doesn't want to lie and pretend to be interested.

We talked and he promised to be better but I lost faith...

I am at a loss, I always aimed to just find someone to love or a best friend to go through life with but I lost faith now in every man in my life and feeling hopeless in life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jessksch,

Thank you for sharing here. We’re so sorry to hear how this has all impacted you. It’s great that you have been able to openly and honestly share this here. 
 
Considering all that has happened around you, it is completely understandable to be feeling this way. It is a way of protecting ourselves, too – If this has happened to others around me, surely it is going to happen to me, too? These are the types of things our minds can convince us of when we are feeling vulnerable.

It sounds like you are communicating your feelings with your fiancé which is a great thing to do. You deserve to feel heard and understood.

We are sure that the community will spot your post and provide their own words of wisdom. In the meantime, please know that you can always give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.

Thanks again for sharing here. Feel free to let us know how you have been travelling at the moment, or if anything has helped get you through this week.

Kind regards,  
Sophie M 
 
 
 

[therising]

Hi Jessksch

It can definitely be challenging when we're ready for the next stage of our relationship but our partner's just not on board with that. I feel for your mum and sister whose partners chose to not rise to that next level challenge but instead made self serving choices that led to so much pain. I also feel for you and your need for a much deeper connection, one that your partner can't or won't relate to.

I think most people start off as sensitive in life, when they're little, but can be conditioned out of being this way. This can especially be the case for guys. There can be all that stuff like 'Toughen up and stop being such a girl' or 'Real men don't cry' and stuff along those lines. Then there are all the examples when it comes to how guys are meant to behave. If they were raised by a blokey bloke and were surrounded by a whole stack of blokey blokes in their life, they can be led by example. On the other hand, if they were raised to be really in touch with their emotions and the emotions of others it can be a whole different story. 

I think a great disservice it done to those who are told, growing up, 'Toughen up and stop being so sensitive'. What I'd much prefer to hear is 'You have the ability to sense and the challenge in life is to learn how to do it well and master it'. If we're able to be sensitive (sensing incredibly well) in masterful ways, this serves our self and others. It also serves the relationships we share in. We could say 'I sense your need for adventure' or 'I deeply sense your need for greater compassion and understanding' or 'I sense you twisting in the wind with no sense of direction, to the point where it's depressing you' and so on. I actually do know guys who are like this. While my 19yo son is sensitive to some degree, he admits to conditioning himself out of sensing so deeply and so easily, based on years of being bullied at school. He taught himself to become emotionally detached to some degree. Just another example of how guys can become desensitised (out of pain).

Perhaps the most important question, when it comes to people regaining their ability to sense, is 'Do you want to come to your senses or return to your ability to sense?'. The answer will either be 'Yes' or 'No', after some discussion about the need or benefits of doing so. While my husband is partially sensitive, his lack of overall sensitivity has led me to periods of depression in the past, over the last 22 years of marriage. While I think we can appoint our partner the role of 'He/she who senses the needs and the challenges to rise to in our relationship' at some point there may need to be a certain level of dis-appointment of role.

If romance is 'the language of the soul', can we live without feeling that language? Can we live without a candlelit dinner speaking to us or a soulful weekend away speaking to us or something else that touches the deepest parts of us? If the answer is 'No', then we may be with the wrong person, unless that person is willing to learn how to speak our language. I sound super harsh, I know, when I admit the following but after 20 something years things can tend to become a bit 'matter of fact'. While I've challenged my husband to be more romantic, his response has typically been 'That's just not me'. I've argued 'Not true. I have seen super rare glimpses of the romantic in you, so I know for a fact it's in there. If you refuse to develop it, that just makes you lazy'.😁