I think my relationship is nearly over

[batticus]

Hi everyone, I'm having a nightmare of a time.

My girlfriend and I have been together 5 1/2 years.

We've had good times and also many really awful times.
My aim in life was to make her happy. I did everything I could.

We both live in separate houses; we only really see eachother on weekends. She doesn't want to come to my house (it's a nice new home, I think it's a pleasant calm space to be in). Rather I have to go to her house. To progress the relationship (she wants to be engaged) I want us to spend much more time together. Having one house isn't possible right now, but we can make the best of our current situation by staying with eachother during the week. She doesn't seem to want to do that.

Having constructive conversations about important topics is hard. She is very defensive and responds with a lot of aggression if something I say is perceived as a criticism. Early in the relationship she has been verbally abusive on more than one occasion. I have spent a lot of time going to counselling to try and understand why I feel so confused, and also to figure out what is going on with my girlfriend. My counsellor believes she has traits of covert narcissism.

What has brought the things to this point is that she wants to get engaged and is frustrated this hasn't happened yet. What is holding me back is that I know she wants to move interstate at some point. I don't. I have a home here, family , work ,friends. This is where I belong. I feel like moving interstate will be very isolating and disastrous for my mental health.

Yesterday she was giving me silent treatment. I then realised every photo of me in the house was gone.

She wasn't happy at all. She doesn't believe I love her. Isn't happy that she isn't engaged. I explained my preference to not move interstate. One thing we agreed on in the last 5 1/2 years is neither of us wanted children. Suddenly this has changed. I find it very hard to believe because her main response to seeing babies etc. is one of disgust.

I don't want to think the worst of her, as I love her dearly, but I am suspicious this may be some kind of bluff. It just doesn't add up to me. I have learned to understand that I've been gaslighted a lot over the years, and wonder if this could be some kind of desperate attempt to make me feel even worse.

We are going to talk again tomorrow and hopefully after that I'll have some closure either way things end up going.

Thanks for listening

Batticus

[geoff]

Hello Batticus, I've been following your thread but don't have much to say as most has been said.

The only concern I have is that she doesn't want to see you when playing in concert, as well as not going to your house, wants to move, leaving you to find another job, but is still unsure whether or not this move is going to be successful, giving you the 'silent treatment' even beforehand, changed her mind about having children, but this requires a 24/7 attention by her, so I wonder if you do move or if you don't, who is going to make the rules or whether this will be joint.

Love can be stretched but only for so much.

Geoff.

[batticus]

Thank you @Croix for your reply

Having that talk was so incredibly painful. Now that the dust has settled a little I feel a bit better (still horrible) but I think I understand a little more about what went on. My big problem is guilt. I need to somehow accept that I don't have anything to be guilty for.

She's probably not doing it on purpose; but I think she is using that guilt to try and get me to give her what she wants. There are many things she has done to me over the years that she could feel very guilty for but I know she doesn't experience it on that level.

Your point about my health, family, friends etc. being a natural concern to someone who loves me hits home big time. I am torturing myself thinking about how I'm not fulfilling her needs but at the same time I don't think she has ever really had any real issues with not meeting mine.

It's hard seeing my friends who are in relationships; they eventually move in together, or even if they don't they clearly have a shared life. I've tried hard to encourage her to stay at my house sometimes, despite trying so hard with that it never happened. She stayed over a couple times (again, only weekends) but I can't help but feel she didn't want to be there.

I was out gigging last night after work, after I received a call saying she has made dinner and there are leftovers if I'd like to stop by on my way back. It was such a nice gesture. She also made me lunch for today. Again, so nice but at the same time before this huge problem came up, those things rarely happened. It makes me feel guilty again.

My Mum has been very helpful to me. She has been there for me the whole time. She texted me today saying "Good morning, whatever happens, just remember you will be okay". I love my Mum more than I can say. I'm so grateful to her. She managed to leave an abusive alcoholic husband, she is so strong and kind.

I'm trying to remind myself of the bad things in the relationship and try and look at things from an ousiders perspective. It's hard. I'm a chronic people-pleaser so knowing I can't please her in this instance has thrown me.

The hard part is knowing that my GF loves me, I don't doubt that, and I love her. But sometimes that isn't enough. I think that's really where we are at.

Soldiering on

Batticus

[batticus]

Dear @Geoff

I agree , the whole thing is very erratic and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The sudden change from being disgusted by children to wanting them is hard to get my head around. She said she doesn't want to be alone when she gets old. I don't know if that is a good reason for having kids... as a contingency plan for care etc. for getting old? Maybe I am reading into that wrong. I'm not sure she has thought this through at all.

It's hard not having her come to my gigs often. It's very rare that she comes. Ever since I was 13 I've been working as a guitar player so it's a big part of my life. Knowing she has little interest in it is hard; not a deal-breaker necessarily but still challenging.

The silent treatment is horrible. My dad used it on me as a kid. Her using it on me really upsets me.

I'm a bit angry all these issues has spilled out in one big mess. We could have spoken about these things in such a more constructive way if they were brought up earlier.

I felt like a zombie yesterday but feel a little better today. Trying to get some perspeptive is helping.

Thank you so much
Batticus

[jtjt_4862]

Hi batticus,

What you've described about her sudden change in showing sweet gestures and stuffs, as well as the silent treatment, does sound a little strange. I still feel, you've done the best you could for your relationship so far.

For example, you've made a lot of effort to go over to her place to stay, and that would've costed you to sacrifice your own time and enjoyment (even though you feel, it's a good trade because you're investing your time to build your relationship and give her the love she wants). But her lack of reciprocation, whether it's to come over and stay with you (even though you've already voiced out your needs for that, but she showed little to no action on her end about it), or a couple of hours of her time to appreciate your gig, just causes resentment on your end. You don't feel appreciated, but you want to believe that it is okay for you because, that's what love does to people-pleasers, we feel like we deserve the scraps from others, and that we don't deserve what we truly want.

It's okay to be feeling guilty about not being able to meet her needs. Some relationships just doesn't work out in the end, no matter how hard you both tried. It takes a balance of give and take for a relationship to be healthy, and too much of giving or taking would just make the relationship an unhealthy one. Each person has their own level of giving and taking, and the mess that comes with a relationship allows couples to work together to understand what each other's give/take levels are and to act on it to the best of their abilities.

But if I could change your perspective a little, rather than feeling guilty about not being able to meet her needs. You should also consider the guilt of not being able to meet your own needs. What do you want out of this relationship, and what do you deserve. It sounds selfish, but it's actually an act of self-love, something that is required for a healthy relationship. I feel a relationship isn't just about meeting other people's needs, but also meeting your own needs. Are you getting enough love and attention from your partner, and are you also giving enough that your partner have requested for? You are worth everything that you believe you deserve my friend.

All the best yo

Jt

[Croix]

Dear Batticus~

I find I'm becoming a sort of echo for Jt who again is spot on. When in love perspective does fly out the window, however it should return and is needed, to judge one's own actions, as well as one's partner's.

Partnership means equality, not necessarily doing all the same things but a balance, and wanting the best for the other. If one person tries over a long period to please, and there is no equal response then that person may well come to feel they are unworthy and deserve just to give, and not receive in equal measure, or else they may start to feel put-upon and become resentful

Either is bad.

I'd not hold my relationships as anything particular. However as a tiny example of both people giving :

Mrs C (who does NOT like being called Mrs Walrus) and I regularly go to the movies. It's a time when we enjoy each other's presence, even when the choice of movies is limited. Sometimes there is a run of SF, which I enjoy and bores Mrs C to tears, then there might be a few Human Interest woks, which present me with problems of keeping awake.

We sit though the ones we do not like precisely to allow the other enjoyment.

So can I suggest you look at your music, where you live and all the rest bearing that example in mind?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Batticus, her decision not to want to have children and then changing her mind is not like flipping a coin nor is it like deciding whether or not you go out to watch a movie, having children is a huge responsibility and one that doesn't last just 10 minutes, it's a lifetime of support, give them advice and when the child is young means you have to be there when the child needs to be fed, nappy changed and another person that grows up, mirrored on your personality, you can't say one day 'no I don't want them' then the next day say 'yes I want them'.

There is a lifetime of planning, organising, schools, sports and as the child develops supporting their every decision as well as talking through every situation that could prove to be a problem.

Geoff.

[batticus]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Today has been the hardest day yet. I think I've finally accepted this relationship has to end. And soon.

It's become obvious to my co-workers and my boss that I'm clearly not well. The weight of this is simply too much. Even my Mum has said that the last week or so she's seen me become a very sick, unwell person. I can't do this for another week for example, I'm honestly going to end up in hospital.

Even aside from the issues we are facing right now, the way they are being dealt with is so incredibly destructive and painful.

I'm having an emergency call with a telephone counsellor today to try and get some advice and tips.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm scared she will trigger my guilt and I'll buckle over again. I don't now how I'm going to do it.

Thank you all for your kind words and support

Batticus

[Sophie_M]

Hi Batticus, 

We can hear how uncertain you're feeling at the moment, and we really hope you can find some comfort in the words of this supportive community. It sounds like you've been really proactive and open with the people around you, and it's really good that you're speaking with a counsellor today. What you're going through is incredibly difficult, and it's really important to have that support around you at a time like this. 

We're sorry to hear that you're worried for the next week, and how it will affect you. Please remember to call Beyond Blue at any moment you need help, on 1300 22 4636. We're also available on webchat, for those moments when it's hard to pick up the phone, and you'd rather speak to someone online.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M  

[geoff]

Hello Batticus, I am really sorry for what's happened, but all of these indecisive reactions by your girlfriend will make you a stronger person and more aware in future times, hard to believe at the moment, but there's a saying 'once bitten twice' will give you the opportunity to establish yourself.

Geoff.

[KathieF]

Hi.

It was a smart decision to find a counselor. Also, it’s so valuable that your mom can give you support in such emotionally overwhelmed moments.

I don’t judge and don’t want to offend anyone. This is your relationship and only you can decide whether to let someone into it and accept advice or no. Even if it's a professional who gives you this advice. The fact that you talk, and not just silently continue to pretend that everything is fine in your relationship, deserves respect. With everything you describe it’s hard to believe that she loves you. If I were you, I would start wondering how to tell if your girlfriend hates you. Okay, maybe hate isn’t necessarily present in your case. But I don’t see any support or desire to understand here. Make you feel guilty. Realy?

If you've made the decision to end this relationship, don't give up and don't let her trigger your guilt. It will not be easy, but in some life situations, you need to be selfish.