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I think my husband is cheating

Melstar
Community Member
My husband has become very good friends with a neighbor they sit up drinking together the snap chat each other and I’m not even friends with him on snap chat he calls her and messages her he has he is just helping a friend through a hard time but I feel she is priority over me he is now saying he doesn’t know if he wants this (us) and he needs space to figure out what he wants I keep having arguments with him because I want him to stop we have started counseling but I feel he is only doing it for me he says he loves me and that I’m his best friend but again I feel like he is just telling me this we have been together for 23 years and have 3 daughters do I let him go and work out what he wants or do I keep being miserable and just guessing what is happening I feel if we have a break he won’t came back to me I cry all the time I’m very anxious and I’m servilely stressed we don’t have sex a lot as he has issues there or are the issues just our problems that are going on or that he just doesn’t want to be with me 😢😢
29 Replies 29

Jane1234
Community Member

Hey melstar

Im so sorry that this is happening to you and I know the pain your going though and are just about to go through, as it was 5 months ago I was in a similar situation. ( Mine was a 25 year old work Association)

Best advice I can give you is go with your gut feeling and if he loves you set him free and he will come back. It's just going to drive more distance between you two if you try to hold on.

A question a friend asked me which opened my eyes a bit more was.

why would I want to be with someone who wasn't sure about being with me.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Mel

i agree with Jane 1234. When a person wants to stray ....there is absolutely nothing u can do on your end .It’s best to look after yourself at this point .Accept that there is little you can do as you cannot control him ..and the more u try to hang on or control ..you will be very frustrated . I would try hot yoga just to get yourself some stress relief while u guys are in this delicate phase . My relationship was 24 years in total married 14 years . I took a super long time to leave as I wanted to salvage it ...but there was nothing to salvage for me . I was working on the marriage on my own .until I realise I can’t clap with just one hand . If he ain’t gonna come meet me halfway ..why should I stay in there and torture myself ?

in hindsight it is kind of a very wonderful thing as I somehow indirectly found myself after the split . But that’s my story . I hope it helps you in your struggle . There’ is definitely life after a split ...sometimes a better life .i am no longer walking on eggshells and can just hang out with my son and do super fun things. I am friends with the ex .occasionally eat together as family ....and it’s pretty aswesome .sure it hurt when I left but I am in a great place right now . I deliberately chose not to hold on to any anger or pain when I left and that was a very wise move. Keep smiling Mel as you still have your 3 beautiful girls ..even if your husband is currently checked out . His head is in the mud ...I used to call it .

good luck with it and keep writing ..but please try hot yoga ...it definelty helped me clear my head . Speak soon

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Melstar

People have written you helpful posts written from experience.

I want to welcome you to the forum and as you can see this is a caring, friendly and support place.

A friend told me she felt she was pleading with her husband to choose her and she felt needy. he kept saying he wasn't sure what he wanted and she just waited . One day she said make a decision and he couldn't so she left.

Everyone is different. You know what is right for you . Sometimes if people feel they have the best of both worlds they will not make a decision and keep saying one thing and meaning another.

You cans see by the posts you are not alone. So feel free to post when you want to.

I can see you are confused by your husband behaviour and maybe you are waiting for him too choose what he wants.

What would happen if you choose what you want?

Quirky

BDSA
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Melstar,

I'm really sorry you are going through this right now and can only imagine your pain.

I was talking to a friend today about how society, in general, has made us feel bad about choosing our own happiness above anyone else, calling us selfish, but you know what? You deserve to be with someone who treats you kindly and appreciates you and if this is not happening and you're the only one doing all the work, then perhaps it's time to be apart for a while so both parties can reassess priorities and figure out what the next move should be.

Some people need to be confronted with the hard truth in order to make a decision that was being avoided because it was in the 'too hard basket', and that might be the case with your husband. He will either realise that you truly are his best friend and he wants to continue by your side or that this relationship has run its course.

And I truly know how terrifying this thought is and if I'm being too blunt, but there is nothing worse than living with this uncertainty, the not knowing.

You deserve happiness and I hope that you have it once again.

Melstar
Community Member
Thank you all for all your kind words after my counseling session today I have realized that I know what’s happening (well to some point ) but I have to put myself first and my kids and yes I have asked him to leave as I think we need some time apart to reasses but he keeps coming back I have decided to keep a journal instead of lashing out at him as that isn’t working

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Melstar, and a warm welcome.

What has been said has been their truth and I believe it's been very good and yes it's important you and the kids come first.

The reason he keeps coming back is that's it's a roof over his head, it doesn't mean he wants to be with you, it gives him a chance to find someone else on snap chat if the present one fails, and once this begins it continues.

Can I give you an example, if the two of you 'reconnect' then what's going to happen if you to a party, a friend's place for a BBQ, can you trust him, will he behave or will he be chatting up somebody.

That's why I didn't like going to parties when I was married because some of the guys would be paying more attention to my wife and normally it would be the same guys all the time.

If you keep telling him to leave then eventually that's what he'll end up doing, finding somewhere else to live.

It's a disappointment to you, but his mind is elsewhere while yours is to look after yourself and the kids.

I'm truly sorry you have to go through this.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Melstar
Community Member
Well I’ve just got up to grab a drink and the husband is sitting on the lounge I noticed he was on his phone and I could see it was snap chat he saw me and shit himself and the funny thing was yes I was hurt by this but I didn’t get angry I told him go have his fun I’m not fighting for us anymore u have already hurt me and the kids I guess he just doesn’t get it

You sound like a very strong individual. All the very best and keep us posted.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Melstar,

I agree with manoody you sound very strong. I too am sorry you have to go through this.

That is so good how you recognise you are hurt but not angry.

When you feel up to it let us know how you are going?

Quirky