I think I have separation anxiety

Mama_P · ‎30-06-2018

I’m struggling.... all my life I have been a strong indpndt woman. I’ve hit rock bottom before & picked myself back up. I was a victim of DV and my 2 kids were too, 1 being physically & emotionally harmed. 11y on, he’s 20 now and been through a lot of counselling. Life was good... I just built my house on my own, I have 2 ygr kids & a partner. I love my babies so much, & from my past I have done what ever I could to protect them. My 15y old & only daughter was feeling the affects of not hearing from her father for almost 3y... I could see the signs of depression. She was seeking male attention. She ran away to meet a boy from FB in Nov 17.... we were close... she got scared the next day after finding out she was rep missing and I driving around for 24 hours. She ph her father who picked her up & never brought her home. He’s changed her number, had her block me from all her new social media accs. Told her I’m controlling as I had access to all her social media accs & completely turned her against me. I cry almost every night.... we are going on month 8 now no contact. He left his wife & step kids & moved & don’t know where. I get abusive msgs from him telling me to kill my self & how worthless I am, how much of a bad mother I was & am. I put a DVO out on him. We are going through court and it’s just all taking it’s toll on me! My 1 & only dghtr has been stripped from me, & I’m struggling! I have an autistic 9y old son with many needs, a gorgeous 4y old son and my eldest. my heart is bleeding. It’s like time has rewound 11y &I’m a victim again & it’s all revisiting, but this time my daughter hates me thinks Im all these bad things. He gives her all this freedom, let’s this boy stay over and sleep together and has NO rules what so ever. I can’t handle not knowing where she is or what she’s doing. On top of that I lost my job, lost about 30k in the new job, it’s tough! & now my eldest is off to the military, which I am so happy for him, but I’m scared, my 2 kids, my heart are gone and going. The impact of my daughters absence has changed my life. I work 50+ hrs a week just to keep my mind busy. I love my kids so much, I don’t know how to make the hurting stop! Will it get easier? I’m angry & sad but will not stand down & still stand my ground if she was to come back. The one thing I will not allow is to be controlled by a teen. I miss her though! I can’t even tell her that, as I have no contact with her 😞 thanks for listening....

Quercus · ‎01-07-2018

Hi Mama P and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you had to wait for a reply. It isn't you personally or anything you wrote. Sometimes we just miss seeing a post. Not something we feel happy about happening.

Have I got it right. You have a 20 year old son who is leaving for the military, two younger boys and your 15 year old daughter? Has your eldest son been able to contact his sister? Some form of contact is better than none.

At 15, having the option of running away to a parent with no rules is appealing. In time she will work out that you are trying to protect her. The reality is it is your home your rules. I wouldn't let a 15 year old have a boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over either. It is your home and I don't think these rules are unreasonable.

Your daughter will work out in time that just because her father lets her do as she pleases that doesn't equate to good parenting. He is irresponsible.

I don't know about how the courts work in this situation but for your own safety it does sound like good plan to steer clear of your ex even if it means not seeing your daughter. Is it possible to email your daughter even of she doesn't respond? Just to reassure her when she is ready to come home and respect the rules within your home the door is open and she is loved.

I wouldn't even bother defending yourself against any slurs your ex is feeding her. He doesn't matter to you now. You have a new life now that he is not welcome in. Your daughter will only have to read the evidence to the court to see what sort of man her father is one day when she is ready.

I hope you can return and keep talking to us.

Nat

Mama_P · ‎01-07-2018

Thank you. Yes correct, 20y old off to military and I have 2 younger ones. My daughter turned 16 in March. First birthday without her, first Easter without her, first mother’s day without her first everything without her and it hurts so much..... I even instigated mediation and got a parenting plan in place and he pretty much ripped it up and told me I’d never see her again 😢 I do have her iCloud email address which I do send emails to saying exactly what you said, but it hurts to never receive a reply. The judge ordered my ex husband to encourage her in every way to contact her mother aka me. And I’ve heard nothing and it’s been 3 weeks since then. I’m so concerned about her. He’s violent and she’s never been exposed to any abuse before as between myself and her big brother we always protected her from it all. When I heard about the girl in the barrel murder not far from me, being a 16y old girl, all I could think about was my daughter. I really hate not knowing if she’s ok, safe or where she is. I know I’ll prob get worse when my eldest son leaves for the army, not having either one of them home hurts. I really do need someone to talk too, and I don’t like talking to people I know. I feel like I am burdening them with my problems.

Quercus · ‎02-07-2018

Hi Mama P and thank you for writing back.

Your situation sounds so distressing. As a mum too I would be a mess. Feeling helpless is a horrible place to be.

You don't need to worry about burdening people here ok. This is a safe place to talk. I think it helps to have multiple outlets. Friends and family offline but also a medical professional and other outlets such as these forums. Have you sought out any counselling or support for yourself? It would be a very good idea.

Have you heard of Relationships Australia? They have a lot of resources tailored for situations such as yours. As well as talking here do you think you could reach out here too? https://www.relationships.org.au

It must be awful to be afraid for your daughter and also triggering for you rememering the abuse. I do think reaching out for counselling is very important.

As horrible as it sounds hopefully she will witness his violent nature and leave. In the meantime are there any extended family members you can ask to reach out to her just so the ex knows people are aware of his nature and watching out for her? Does your ex have any siblings or his parents that you can appeal to for help?

Right now though it is vital you protect and care for yourself. You have young boys who need their Mum and are just as important. If you don't feel able to reach out to friends and your family to support you it is time to make sure you have other offline supports in place.

Nat

Mama_P · ‎02-07-2018

Thanks Nat. Been through relationships Aus for mediation. I have a referral but never pursued. It’s taken me a while which I have my reasons.... but with the build up, my support team at court had DV connect make contact with me again for counselling sessions which my first was last week. So yes, getting the support.

its amazing... we actually do think alike, because all of your suggestions I have tried and done. His family are too scared of him themselves. I have written statements from them too. It’s def challenging. I’ve left a letter for her at school which she received. (He moved her school without telling me) my eldest son caught up with family and managed to talk with her which was great! She just has a bad influence at the moment which sucks. Thank you for talking to me though! It’s been nice to just let it out. Back to court next week 😞 o just want my baby safe.... especially with all the media on the young girl that died, same age as my girl and so close to home!