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I stuffed my life up. So bad..

So_stuck_and_sad
Community Member
I was in a relationship that felt so right and I thought it would last forever.. A few years in and my feelings started to change. He did and said things that made me feel not good enough etc - I wont bore you with the entire story.
I ended up cheating, and leaving for someone else. I feel like its the biggest mistake of my life. The person I left for is amazing.. So so good to me. But because of what I did the whole situation just doesnt sit right, no matter how good he is to me.
My ex doesnt know I cheated but says he cant forgive me for leaving him and hurting him. I dont know who I want to be with. Not being with my ex feels so wrong. I feel like my life is empty without him. But I do love the person I am with now. I know I dotn deserve to be with either of them after what I did.
How do I get over this? I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. Who does that to someone they love? 😞
3 Replies 3

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear So Stuck & Sad

Hello and welcome to the forum. When your partner makes you feel inferior in some way it's hardly likely you will want to stay there. That's pretty straight forward. However you want someone to love you and who you can love and this relationship is not satisfying. One of the things that happen in these sorts of relationships is that one partner (you in this case) becomes quite dependent on the other and afraid to leave. After all he calls you names and if you were strong and capable you would not stand for it. Right? Wrong.

If he cared he would be respectful, it's as simple as that. So you look for affection elsewhere. It would probably have been better had you separated before getting together with someone else, but you didn't and there is no changing this. So the new BF is a caring and loving person, which is what you want. Unfortunately the old BF has put many ideas in your head about how unworthy you are that you become totally confused. Then he starts to manipulate you by saying he cannot forgive you.

This is really saying he thinks he is superior and has some right to forgive you. Not so. He is angry you have left. OK but that's his problem not yours. Forgiving is not something you do to someone. It's managing your own feelings about someone. So he dangles this carrot in front of you saying all will be well if you return. If he cannot 'forgive' you now he will never do so. And it is likely to be more uncomfortable for you. Now he has you back he can keep bringing up how you left him and caused him pain and how he lets you live with him because he is such a fantastic person.

Your new BF knows you were with someone when you met so he can hardly complain about it now. But I get the impression he is OK about this and it is your feelings which are causing you this conflict. It sounds to me as though you are with someone who cares. I think the other chap made you unhappy except for times when he turned on the charm and you were so pleased that you forgot all the bad times. It happens a lot.

You need to forgive yourself and you are the only person who can do this. Why not have a chat to your GP and ask if there are any local counsellors who deal with grief and loss. Go and see someone and talk out all your fears. I think you will be happier and more settled in your mind.

Let us know how you are going and how we can support you more.

Mary

kanga_brumby
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
So stuck and sad, welcome to beyond blue forums, with this curly one. Personally I would loose the person who puts you down and runs you into the ground. No one deserves to be treated so badly they have to turn to someone else for support like you have done. You should not feel bad about it its not your fault

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi everyone,

We've closed this thread off as it is running on similar themes to the thread below:

Stuck between long term partner(ex) and new parnter - HELP!

Please feel free to continue your conversation in the original thread.