Hello, I broke up with my BPD partner two weeks ago. I have seeked counselling and read a lot of forums online and I know no contact is the best way forward for both of us. However, we work together. We see each other every day and I've spent the last week with him trying every opportunity to speak to me, corner me in the lunchroom, follow me outside, constantly at my desk, asking me for one last chance... I felt like everyday was Groundhog Day.
Whilst the relationship has been over in my head for quite some time, I am now feeling very anxious. I'm afraid of his reactions. I have to keep things professional at work but I'm suffering with just "taking" whatever abuse or hurtful comment he wants to throw at me. That's what the relationship has been. He knows I would never jeopardise my career or make a scene at work, so he can do what he wants. I'm worried about leaving the house. I don't feel my work is qualified to deal with the severity of the situation, I also don't know if I should tell work that he suffers from BPD so they understand it's not a "normal" breakup.
I have had several heated comments with him to explain the I feel harassed and he has said he will stop. But I've heard that before and he never does.
Any suggestions how I can move forward and survive this in one piece?
I have BPD and went through a break up and it was torture. Can you apply for jobs somewhere else? Thank God I never worked with my ex, its hard enough to deal with emotions of a breakup without having to see them every day.
Does he see a psychologist regularly? My only suggestion is to get a new job.
Breakup is not going to be easy, regardless of having BPD or not. I agree that you should maintain no contact with him (other than at work) to make it clear that you too are only colleagues from now on. Obviously, he does not take the breakup quite well and starts to be hurtful and abusive to you. You have done a great job to keep yourself professional at work.
I would think the best strategy is to remain calm and patient. Whenever he comes to you and talks about the relationship, be firm to him and say something like, "We have already discussed that very clearly. From now on, we are only colleagues and I only discuss work-related matters with colleagues."
If he remains hurtful and abusive, tell him (but not threaten him) that his behaviour is severely impacting the working environment and you will bring that up to your supervisor (or anybody whom may concern) if he does not stop. This is equivalent to a final warning to him. If he still remains like that, then do what you warned him, but never disclose that he has BPD because it is his privacy. Assuming your supervisor is aware of your relationship, then tell him/her that you two break up recently and that he is not taking that well. Let him/her know how your ex is affecting your working environment. It is important to remain objective when describing his abusive behaviour, i.e. no personal attacks.
Certainly, changing to a new job is an instant fix of the situation. However, given that you two work together, you are in the same profession and it is highly possible that you two will work together again in another company. So it is best to sort things out. Let us know how you go.
Sounds like a tough situation but honestly BPD or not, break ups can just be awful for some more than others and this kind of stuff happens all the time. I've recently helped two friends with breakups in the last year, who dealt with the 'please one last chance' they were getting it everywhere. Emails, texts, at the gym, cards and so forth. Their ex partners didn't have BPD. So I wouldn't throw too much weight at the diagnosis and rather be proactive on a solution. I guess for them it's easy to simply ignore or delete an email etc Whereas this is more in your face daily!
I don't think it's wise to bring up his medical condition at work. It's really irrelevant and that's a low punch in my view.
I think you need to sit him down, if you feel safe, external to the office like a coffee shop and explain again that the relationship is over and you'll only be dealing with him in a professional capacity. Tell him straight out that if he is unable to do this, then he should consider finding a new place to work.
Then make it very clear that if he continues with this behaviour then you will babe no choice but to raise the harassment to your HR department or supervisors. Tell him that it is in his best interests to simply stop the behaviour.
Then see what happens.
If you feel concern for your safety or threatened then immediately see your HR department and skip the quite chat above.
Touch base with us all! Goodluck!
Hi all, thank you so much for your replies... well we're in month three since the breakup. Two weeks ago he escalated again and was hysterical at work. This was after everyone had gone home. He was saying he needed to resign and declare bankruptcy. He begged and begged for me to care about him. Two months ago he got a hold of my phone at work and went through it and then sent me an abusive message about what he had read.
I feel stalked and scared everywhere I go. I have had no choice but to raise it with HR. My work is suffering, my health is suffering. I've lost 10kgs and barely sleep.
I have my investigation interview today. I am worried it will be all for nothing. I think if he was given a written warning he may be scared into behaving. Still doesn't protect me after 5pm though...
Work have also moved him to a different building in the last week. So that might help too. Has anyone had any experience with stalking after a breakup with someone with BPD? Or even working with one?
It is brave of you to raise that to the HR department. You deserve a safe and healthy working environment. I don't know what exactly your company will do after interviewing you, but I think they are receptive towards the issue and moved your ex to another building. Your department likely takes you seriously because you have been under a lot of stress and you feel that your health is suffering. Don't forget to mention how much stress your ex has caused you at work in the interview.
May I ask, is it a must that you work after 5 p.m.? If it is possible to leave by 5 p.m., considering doing so. Alternatively, consider bringing some work home. I know it is a bad idea to work at home, but it may make you feel more comfortable because you don't need to worry about your ex coming to you after 5 p.m. If it is not possible to finish work by 5 p.m. or bring work home, could you inform the security staff of your building so they can keep an eye for your ex?
As I mentioned in a previous post, breakups are tough and not everyone can cope well. Your ex's BPD may contribute to his stalking behaviours, but there are people without BPD out there who display stalking behaviours after breakups. Frankly, it doesn't matter much if your ex has BPD or not for your situation; your focus is to get yourself back into a safe and healthy working environment.