I need suggestions on what to do

[samaz]

I started dating my now wife when we were 16 and both living in different towns. We would talk on the phone regularly and send letters and see each other every few months. I had feelings for her that were way to strong for that age but never told her. After 12 months i enrolled in a course in the same town and moved there excited to be able to spend time with her. When i got there she told me that she had cheated on me ( at this age cheating meant kissing) and that she wanted a break. She developed the relationship with the other that she had cheated on me with while on this break with them both regularly sporting fresh love bites. After a few weeks i lost my virginity to a stranger that i had no feelings for in a one night stand. I hoped that she would find this out so she might feel what it was like to be hurt. I left town soon after this to start a full time job in my home town.

i didn’t see her again for around 12 months but when i did she came up and hugged me and said she was sorry and that her and the other fella were over. I apologized for what i had done and was happy that they were over because i wanted to start again. Soon after this she started a full time job and moved into her own flat back in her town. After a few months our relationship became sexual. I was quick to tell her how i felt this time around because I didn’t want to lose her again and told her that i wanted to be with her forever. She responded that she also had feelings for me but she wasn’t sure about forever. She told me that she had lost her virginity to the other fella and that they had a strong sexual relationship. Over the next decade she trickled me information about her previous relationship while our relationship blossomed and after 3 years we became engaged and she moved to live with me. We lived together for 2 years before getting married and had our first child 2 years after marriage. It was at this time she told me that she didn't completely end things with the other fella when we got back together. I was hurt but didn’t press for details i just asked that she cut all communication with him.

during the next 16 years we sailed along as any other married couple would but she always said that i shouldn’t have any social media accounts as this was something women did and men didn’t use it. I knew this was wrong but did what she asked anyway. During this time she was very protective of her phone and I didn’t have access to her emails or any passwords.

fast forward to a month ago and the kids now use her phone and social media more than she does so i am suddenly able to see everything. I noticed that she had the other fella in her facebook friends. I approached her and said that i had asked her to cut all contact with him years ago. She said no because he is my friend. I thought about this for a few days and then told her that on order for me to understand this i need to know when it all ended. She told me I don’t know. I said well to keep it simple when was the last time you had sex, she said I don’t remember. I said i find that hard to believe and asked well when was the first time you had sex she again said I don’t remember. I said that i find that impossible to believe since it was when you lost your virginity. She said that their relationship is her business and not mine. I said ok but if you don’t remember when it was do you remember where it was she said in my flat. This hit me for 6 as this meant it was at the time that we got back together and if they really did have as many intimate encounters as she had said they had it must have continued for quite some time after this. I have been losing alot of sleep over this sometimes barely sleeping at all for three days, i have almost completely lost my appetite, my mind is filling in all the details that she won’t disclose and they are not good thoughts. I have asked her to tell me but she simply says that is all dead and buried but to me it is fresh information that hurts like it was yesterday. What do i do? Am i overreacting or wrong?

[samaz]

Just wanted to update on how things are now.

i still can’t get anywhere with my questions, although my wife has said if I don’t drop it i will ruin our marriage. I think i have run out of options, she still refuses counselling saying it is an expense we don’t need and can’t afford, we still haven’t been away together although my wife said ok book something and we will go ( life schedules haven’t allowed the time) i maybe try to bring up what is eating me once a fortnight, but this never goes down well as my wife gets angry and aggressive almost immediately. I asked a month ago if she can write down a timeline of all that happened with the other man so that i can get the story straight rather than having the facts change all the time. She refused as she can’t remember the dates / months / years etc. i said writing it down will help you remember and I don’t want exact dates i just want to know exactly what it is i am dealing with.

i still don’t have this timeline and don’t think i ever will. The physical part of what may have happened isn’t what hurts it is the hiding of all this and the fact that it looks like i can never get the truth even when i push for it, it seams like i am going to have to just live with the fact that i will never get any honesty in my marriage. I don’t know what the next step is but i think this is all just going to get to hard in the future and i will leave. The cracks are getting to big and I can’t repair them on my own, i believe that the damage that has been done with this will last forever as i now know that when there is a problem my wife isn’t interested in healing it before it gets out of control.

[samaz]

So i finally got some sort of information, almost 12 months after i really started pushing for some explanation for why things are how they are.

My wife told me that she did continue having intercourse with her ex boyfriend after we were together but she can’t say how many times because she didn’t keep track of it, I understand as it was 20 years ago. She can’t tell me when it all finished as she can’t remember although she ensures me it was before we became engaged to be married.

i guess i could accept this but i am worried that this confession doesn’t have enough details for me to be able to recover from my current state and go back to normal. I am stuck because I can’t keep pushing for information that if as she is saying she just doesn’t have answers for.

Does anybody think that this will pass with time or am i forever going to stuck in this rut?