I need a starting point

[FindingMeAgain]

I think I am in an abusive relationship. I have been with my wife for 10 years and we have been married for 7 years. I am beginning to realise that over the years she has been slowly isolating me. I have no old friends, the friends I have are mutual friends with her. She has a problem with anyone who I get close to. She often says it’s not that she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust them. My colleagues (my only friends) are concerned for me and have made comments that I am not a door mat and that she is controlling. She tracks my location and often goes through my phone, she listens to conversations (even work ones) and asks me questions afterwards. I feel like I’m insane even feeling like this, don’t know what next or how to even fix it. I feel like I have shrunk myself as a human and lost who I truely am. There are financial issues as well - I am the primary income earner and she refuses to work yet will try and control my career progression however whenever I try to do anything for myself she guilt trips me. Our home life on the outside seems happy and it makes me feel like I’m insane for even feeling this way

[Pete66]

My son is going through this at the moment, same story as yours.
Leave.
If your partner, friend, family are not supportive of your efforts then you need them out of your life.
You might take a financial hit today, but it will be temporary, you will recover

[blues23]

Hi guest 

Your situation sounds very hard , have you considered contacting 1800 respect ? I have been in abusive relationships and sometimes an outsiders point of view can help you see clearly, also 1800 respect can help with counseling and advice on where to go for help if u need it . From what you say it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and you feel isolated & unsafe these are red flags so is your wife tracking ur location that’s a big no no that’s called controlling you and that’s also a big no no . Look after you ,start making a plan , start getting some help , counseling for yourself a lot can do it via phone and you can speak freely and you don’t have to be filtered by your wife or fearful of your wife controlling your communication. You have a right to be happy & free and not shrink yourself for anybody .pself care is vital in these situations u should not feel guilty for wanting to feel good.  Please take care of yourself. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're seriously questioning your marriage in so many ways. My heart goes out to you. 

I think everyone in a relationship starts off with certain boundaries, kind of like 

• No overstepping the mark when it comes to flirting with others or affairs
• No overstepping the mark in regard to always invading someone's personal time or alone time (we all need a break and time to ourself occasionally)
• No crossing boundaries in regard to the kind of language we just won't tolerate (obscene language, racist remarks etc etc)

Not always easy to sense when a partner is ever so slightly shifting our boundaries. Sounds like your wife gradually shifted a boundary for your old friends not to cross, another for your level of privacy, another for your choices of career and so on. Sounds like a lot of them are based on her comfort zone, what she's comfortable with. It makes sense that she's more than comfortable when it comes to not going out to work. Most of us would be. While a healthy relationship involves healthy boundaries, including finding a middle ground with things (aka 'compromise'), it sounds like it's time for you to start making some healthy boundary shifts for yourself.

If your wife has serious trust issues, a healthy boundary could involve 'Sure, you can look at my phone, I have nothing to hide, but you're no longer going to track my every movement. I'm going to disengage the tracking system'. Another boundary that involves compromise could sound like 'I have no issues with you overhearing my phone conversations but you are no longer going to interrogate me and leave me to dread every conversation I have. I no longer want my conversations feeling dreadful. That's no way to live'. Of course, some folk love to fight to keep their boundaries in place, so occasionally we have to be prepared for a fight (some verbal conflict).

I'd say the biggest fight, when it comes to relationships, can involve the battle that takes place within ourself. That inner battle can be brutal and stressful at times. From my own experience, I've found it pays to pick the part of me that's going to serve me best. Personally, I would not pick the people pleaser in me when it comes to fighting for my right for privacy, for example. It'd just sound like 'Your upsetting your husband. Don't rock the boat. You need to be more tolerant and just put up with things' etc. It definitely pays to pick the most upstanding part of ourself when it involves fighting for what we're entitled to, such as respect. While that part of us may have become suppressed over time (for one reason or another) or may never have come to life, there comes a time in our life where we gotta start seriously tapping into it and exercising it. For yourself, sounds like now may be that time. It's amazing what it does for our self esteem when the upstanding part of ourself (that pushes us to stand up for ourself) wins out over our inner people pleaser. The upstanding part of us can sound a little like 'You deserve better than this. This is not who you are and this is not the life you deserve. It's time to start making some serious changes'. This turns out to be the part of us that liberates us.