need help apologising to an ex friend

[booga]

almost a year ago, a friend and i fell out and had an argument. we havent talked in nearly a year, n this past year ive realised how bad of a friend ive been to him (ive said awful things to him, treated him unfairly etc) however, im not interested in going back to being friends with him because at times hes made me feel uneasy.

now, this isnt to say im a victim, if anything i was worse to him than he was to me, and i dont really want to repeat the things ive said to him because it disgusts me how i behaved to him.

to the point, im afraid to apologise. i want to be better and the first step is to apologise to those ive wronged. however, i dont know how he'll react to it, and i struggle with paranoia and a particular worry i have is that he'll hurt me if i apologise (i doubt he will but again, paranoia)

i have the apology written as a draft on my old school email, but im scared to click send. i just want this niggling guilt off my shoulders and i dont know if hes moved on or not and if i should just let it be

[booga]

every time i make friends, at some point in the relationship theres always a point where they have a bunch of issues and they just vent it out onto me every single time, be it just talking about their problems or taking it out on me. and every single time, i just can't deal with it. i'm not good at comforting people who are upset, nor do i like having someone's pain being taken out on me.

this time around, my friend is just talking about their issues a lot, and i know they need an outlet and that its okay to be sad, but it feels like theyre always sad, always talking about their problems, and when they aren't, it feels like i have to walk on eggshells with my words, because one wrong word and itll upset them. today we had plans to hang out, but then they had to do something with family, and so i was offered to go out of town with my dad, so i accepted, but right as i left, they told me they just finished the movie, and we couldn't hang out.

it feels like every second of every day i am just waiting to do something with them, and then when its night time (when my creative juices are flowing, as said in my previous post) i cant even stay up because they want me to go to bed just for a chance to us to spend time together. it feels like i never have time to do things for myself, time to draw for myself, or anything. theyre not as mean as im making them out to be btw, its just. ive dealt with terrible people in the past and those experiences make me feel like i have to be the perfect friend or just the friend that always says yes.

im so sick of it. i just want time to myself to do my own things and indulge in my own interests but i also dont want to lose my friendship with them but i also want to stop worrying about them all the time.

[trying_my_best]

Hi @booga! 

I have been in your situation many times! In particular, I had one friend who did/does this all the time (I haven’t talked to them in a year now). I found that I needed to place some boundaries. Setting boundaries does not make you a bad friend, arguably, it makes you a better friend. Because it will allow you to have the time for yourself so you can reset and just be. I know I certainly needed that time! 

If you feel comfortable you can refer them to helplines such as this forum, the call lines of BeyondBlue, KidsHelpline, and Lifeline!

Lifeline: https://www.google.com/search?q=lifeline&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-au&client=safari#

KidsHelpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/phone-counselling

Wishing you the best 🫶

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there,

Welcome back to the forums and thanks for your post!

I can understand how heavy it can be when people put their problems onto you and expect you to have the answers to everything. The truth is, sometimes we don't know how to handle it and that's ok. There has to be a line drawn in this situation, because it's unfair if all this friend does is vent to you and not give any time to do anything else. Yes, it's normal in friendships to have deep talks, but to a certain extent. You also want to be able to let loose and have fun too. It's a balance. I agree with trying_my_best that setting boundaries is important here. You could say something like 'I care about you and want to listen, but I can't listen past 10pm...' or something like that just so they know that they can't always be talking about this, and that you want to do other things too.

You don't have to say yes to everything. You don't need to be the perfect friend. Nobody is. You obviously care a lot of this friendship. Think about what you really want. You mentioned you never have time to draw. Try and turn off your phone for awhile and do something for yourself. You deserve it. 

Keep reaching out, we're here for you

Kind regards,

PsychDiaries

[booga]

so let me just start off by saying, my family has a good relationship with each other. none of us are abusive to each other or anything like that. my main issue is that we're always on technology, including myself. however, i feel like i at least have excuses for that, because i do most of my art and stuff on computer, i dont like drawing traditionally and all of my friends are in other countries or simply too far away. at times, it feels like im the only one out of my siblings willing to go outside or go to other towns/cities.

my brother and sister never want to go anywhere and i understand that they might find it overwhelming or something, but i just miss those times going out as a family, eating together as a family, doing anything together as a family. we don't eat as a family together; my mum stays in her room to eat, everyone else eats in the living room, but they all watch their own things instead. we dont even watch new years celebrations on tv as a full group anymore. every time ive been away from home with my brother, he always asks "can we go home soon". my sister is better and i dont really have many qualms with her, its mainly my brother.

i would like to add that i am the youngest in my family, everyone else being in their 20s and ive only recently turned 18. i feel like sometimes i am babied or not taken entirely seriously, which has always been an insecurity of mine. ive been having repeated thoughts of moving out, despite me not having a job or a good position to do so. i just feel like if my family isnt going to feel like a family, i might as well be living on my own. i dont like this house. every day i feel more and more irritated at everyone else, even though theyre not doing anything wrong, just things that bug me. i dont have my own room and i have to share with my brother, meaning i cant decorate or express myself in my own room.

i know a lot of these things are out of my family's control. i just wish they'd at least pull together and feel like a family. i want us to watch tv together in the living room like a family again, i want my brother to get away from his video game addiction, i want all of us to go out shopping and do things together like a real family would, but it feels like no one ever tries to be better, and if i told them how i feel, they would try to change to make me feel better. but it wouldnt make me feel better, because its not what they want, its just what i want and they wont be happy if theyre all just doing what one person wants and no one else.

[booga]

i forgot to add this in the full post, but my friend will sometimes talk about how they go and hang out with family and do family-related activities and complain about it, but i dont think they realise just how much i want that for my family

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

Thank you for writing in. I hear you and see you, it is sounding to me like you are feeling quite lonely within your family unit. I understand this separation to feel very difficult. Even though there is no direct conflict, silence and disconnection from each other can sometimes feel equally as upsetting. I wonder maybe if your other family members are feeling the same? Correct me if I have misunderstood, but it does not seem like you have brought this issue up with any of your family members directly. I understand it feels daunting and sometimes pointless, you want them to engage on their own terms, however it is worth considering that maybe they feel the same way as you do about the disconnect. If nothing gets verbalised you will never fully know. I know it is scary, but I truely believe especially with family that being honest and transparent with how you are feeling is better than saying nothing at all. It sounds like you really care about your family and want more from the relationship with them, which I think is beautiful and worth verbalising. Every time I have felt separated from my family members (I live at home too) it has felt so daunting approaching them with this concern, but 9/10 it has always been resolved once spoken about. Try suggesting to the family member you feel closest to doing an activity at home together, or sitting with your brother to play a video game. Little steps to build a connection again without it feeling too overwhelming. 

I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to write back here on the forums if you would like to discuss more, we are always here to support and listen.  

All the best and kind regards, 

Daydreamer. 

[therising]

Hi booga

Sounds like you could be the 'sensitive' of the family, the key family member who senses what's needed in the way of constructive changes or who can sense what's wrong in some cases. Just about every family has their 'sensitive', the family member who tends to feel more than others. 

As everyone in a family gets older, there can be that sense of disconnect as each individual develops their own interests. How to remain connected through certain traditions or habits is one thing. Another factor can involve developing new ways to connect. I think sometimes we can be up against it when we're trying to find new things to do that are more interesting than what each family member experiences in their alone time. 

While everyone in the family may not be interested in group or family activities right now, it may pay to start small just to begin with. Getting family members out of certain habits could be a way to go. One thing to consider it what's going to lure them out of doing what just serves them. What's going to hook their attention, for a start. 

• As an example, you could say to your brother, 'I noticed EB Games (or whatever gaming shop) has a whole stack of new second hand games for sale. Do you want to go and have a look?'. It could be a lure to going out to the local shopping centre, getting him out of the house. If he loves food, it could be more so 'Do you want to have a break and stretch your legs and go and get something to eat?'
• If your mum is highly imaginative and has been talking a little about redecorating the house, a way to get someone else at the dinner table could sound like 'Mum, can we sit at the dinner table tonight and talk about ideas for the house?'
• If your sister loves nature, getting her to imagine the best nature walks for you both to go on could be something. Or if she loves photography, finding places to photograph could work just as well
• If your dad doesn't really like going anywhere but absolutely loves free time to himself at cafes, 'Dad, can you drive my sister and I up to the hills or down to the beach where you can find the best coffee shop for a break' could lure him into doing something. Even if the time with him is about having a chat in the car

Making connections through other people's interests can sometimes be key to unlocking what can become new family habits or traditions. 

Btw, getting family members to do what serves you isn't always a bad thing. If that thing ends up being something they've enjoyed, it's technically served everyone involved. 

If you are your family's 'sensitive', try and gain a sense of what would serve each family member, while getting a better sense of their nature at the same time. Such an exercise can help you develop your senses. And, yes, you may sense your frustration at times but that's okay. Being sensitive means we're not just going to feel the 'good' emotions, we can feel or sense the challenging ones too.😊

[booga]

unfortunately, my brother doesnt like going outside full stop and the only eb games near us is an hour and a half away. i appreciate the advice, but my parents do go outside regularly, its just my siblings that are the issue

[therising]

Hi booga

I imagine your parents are relieved to know one of their kids (you) is looking for positive change in the family dynamics. With your brother's refusal to go out, do you think it's worth starting with your sister when it comes to getting her to make a little more of an effort? Do you have any ideas when it comes to what would interest her? Have you spoken to her about wanting to spend more quality time together? Could she come up with some things that might interest her?

[booga]

my best friend is starting to feel boring and it feels like they're changing, they're suddenly talking about wanting to be less online-centered and its driving me mad because all they talk about now is how they have to drive a car they don't want to drive, relationship issues between people i don't even know, and just generally "real" things. they're constantly talking down on my sleep schedule and talking about their future and just generally things i do not CAAARE about

i understand theyre coming from a place of concern and im glad they're trying to improve their life but quite frankly i go online and make online friends as escapism and them talking about the real world near constantly is starting to bug me. we were calling today and they started talking about how they would have to drive this car they don't want to drive and all i could think was "when will they shut up" or "i dont CAAARE" because it felt like they were dragging on and on about things i just do not care about in the slightest 

i hate feeling annoyed or bored at them and if they wanna fix their life that's good for them but im sick of them hinting at trying to fix mine. im stressed all the time because they just vent nonstop and complain, complain, complain, i just can't stand it man i dont want to hear it i want to play and have fun but i can't do that when theyre venting constantly

idk i feel like a bad friend for it but i just can't stand it. I always struggled to care about or engage with other peoples thoughts and ramblings but this is a whole new level man