family feels wrong and broken

booga

so let me just start off by saying, my family has a good relationship with each other. none of us are abusive to each other or anything like that. my main issue is that we're always on technology, including myself. however, i feel like i at least have excuses for that, because i do most of my art and stuff on computer, i dont like drawing traditionally and all of my friends are in other countries or simply too far away. at times, it feels like im the only one out of my siblings willing to go outside or go to other towns/cities.

my brother and sister never want to go anywhere and i understand that they might find it overwhelming or something, but i just miss those times going out as a family, eating together as a family, doing anything together as a family. we don't eat as a family together; my mum stays in her room to eat, everyone else eats in the living room, but they all watch their own things instead. we dont even watch new years celebrations on tv as a full group anymore. every time ive been away from home with my brother, he always asks "can we go home soon". my sister is better and i dont really have many qualms with her, its mainly my brother.

i would like to add that i am the youngest in my family, everyone else being in their 20s and ive only recently turned 18. i feel like sometimes i am babied or not taken entirely seriously, which has always been an insecurity of mine. ive been having repeated thoughts of moving out, despite me not having a job or a good position to do so. i just feel like if my family isnt going to feel like a family, i might as well be living on my own. i dont like this house. every day i feel more and more irritated at everyone else, even though theyre not doing anything wrong, just things that bug me. i dont have my own room and i have to share with my brother, meaning i cant decorate or express myself in my own room.

i know a lot of these things are out of my family's control. i just wish they'd at least pull together and feel like a family. i want us to watch tv together in the living room like a family again, i want my brother to get away from his video game addiction, i want all of us to go out shopping and do things together like a real family would, but it feels like no one ever tries to be better, and if i told them how i feel, they would try to change to make me feel better. but it wouldnt make me feel better, because its not what they want, its just what i want and they wont be happy if theyre all just doing what one person wants and no one else.

booga

i forgot to add this in the full post, but my friend will sometimes talk about how they go and hang out with family and do family-related activities and complain about it, but i dont think they realise just how much i want that for my family

Daydreamer70

Hi there,

Thank you for writing in. I hear you and see you, it is sounding to me like you are feeling quite lonely within your family unit. I understand this separation to feel very difficult. Even though there is no direct conflict, silence and disconnection from each other can sometimes feel equally as upsetting. I wonder maybe if your other family members are feeling the same? Correct me if I have misunderstood, but it does not seem like you have brought this issue up with any of your family members directly. I understand it feels daunting and sometimes pointless, you want them to engage on their own terms, however it is worth considering that maybe they feel the same way as you do about the disconnect. If nothing gets verbalised you will never fully know. I know it is scary, but I truely believe especially with family that being honest and transparent with how you are feeling is better than saying nothing at all. It sounds like you really care about your family and want more from the relationship with them, which I think is beautiful and worth verbalising. Every time I have felt separated from my family members (I live at home too) it has felt so daunting approaching them with this concern, but 9/10 it has always been resolved once spoken about. Try suggesting to the family member you feel closest to doing an activity at home together, or sitting with your brother to play a video game. Little steps to build a connection again without it feeling too overwhelming.

I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to write back here on the forums if you would like to discuss more, we are always here to support and listen.

All the best and kind regards,

Daydreamer.

therising

Hi booga

Sounds like you could be the 'sensitive' of the family, the key family member who senses what's needed in the way of constructive changes or who can sense what's wrong in some cases. Just about every family has their 'sensitive', the family member who tends to feel more than others.

As everyone in a family gets older, there can be that sense of disconnect as each individual develops their own interests. How to remain connected through certain traditions or habits is one thing. Another factor can involve developing new ways to connect. I think sometimes we can be up against it when we're trying to find new things to do that are more interesting than what each family member experiences in their alone time.

While everyone in the family may not be interested in group or family activities right now, it may pay to start small just to begin with. Getting family members out of certain habits could be a way to go. One thing to consider it what's going to lure them out of doing what just serves them. What's going to hook their attention, for a start.

As an example, you could say to your brother, 'I noticed EB Games (or whatever gaming shop) has a whole stack of new second hand games for sale. Do you want to go and have a look?'. It could be a lure to going out to the local shopping centre, getting him out of the house. If he loves food, it could be more so 'Do you want to have a break and stretch your legs and go and get something to eat?'
If your mum is highly imaginative and has been talking a little about redecorating the house, a way to get someone else at the dinner table could sound like 'Mum, can we sit at the dinner table tonight and talk about ideas for the house?'
If your sister loves nature, getting her to imagine the best nature walks for you both to go on could be something. Or if she loves photography, finding places to photograph could work just as well
If your dad doesn't really like going anywhere but absolutely loves free time to himself at cafes, 'Dad, can you drive my sister and I up to the hills or down to the beach where you can find the best coffee shop for a break' could lure him into doing something. Even if the time with him is about having a chat in the car

Making connections through other people's interests can sometimes be key to unlocking what can become new family habits or traditions.

Btw, getting family members to do what serves you isn't always a bad thing. If that thing ends up being something they've enjoyed, it's technically served everyone involved.

If you are your family's 'sensitive', try and gain a sense of what would serve each family member, while getting a better sense of their nature at the same time. Such an exercise can help you develop your senses. And, yes, you may sense your frustration at times but that's okay. Being sensitive means we're not just going to feel the 'good' emotions, we can feel or sense the challenging ones too.😊

booga

unfortunately, my brother doesnt like going outside full stop and the only eb games near us is an hour and a half away. i appreciate the advice, but my parents do go outside regularly, its just my siblings that are the issue

therising

Hi booga

I imagine your parents are relieved to know one of their kids (you) is looking for positive change in the family dynamics. With your brother's refusal to go out, do you think it's worth starting with your sister when it comes to getting her to make a little more of an effort? Do you have any ideas when it comes to what would interest her? Have you spoken to her about wanting to spend more quality time together? Could she come up with some things that might interest her?