I MUST let go

[new_beginning]

So if its alright with everyone this is going to be the place i come to visit instead of reaching out to someone who doesnt love me or even think of me as a human anymore. When i want to send him a message or talk to him im going to write what im feeling here.

I need to stop thinking of him as someone who made me so very happy, someone who i thought i could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who i forgave horrible betrayals for because they were the one for me. He's not a friend. Not a parenting partner. He is nothing to me now and as much as it tears me apart i am nothing to him.

I want to let go of his hold on me, all the horrible things i was told i was. I want it all gone. I dont want to spend my days on the couch crying because i miss him and miss having a connection with him. I want to find that beautiful person who i used to believe i was. That healthy fit kind independant person who was an amazing mother, always there to help friend and the person who felt like she was worthy of being known and cared for.

I want to meet new people and be interesting and fun and live the life i deserve. I want to laugh!

I am a really nice person and if your reading feel free to leave a comment, some advice or perhaps looking for a friend, i am here and i want to get to know you!

Better days are coming and they are starting right now

[new_beginning]

Im sorry yesterday was a really bad day.

Its so frustrating when you reach out and get little from it (im not talking about you guys who have responded, youve all been fantastic and given me lots to think about). 

Im still waiting to hear back from legal aid and another service.

Then to top it off i had someone who i thought was someone who i can share things with turn around and have a go at me because im only doing things now out of spite to my ex coz he has moved on. That isnt the case at all and couldnt be further from the truth.

If he really is happy then im happy for him. I just dont see why i have had to struggle to live to support and raise a child that he chose to have with me and am now facing doing the same with our second child.

Maybe things would be clearer for me if i wasnt pregnant and constantly feeling this little bub moving inside me and me thinking it deserves a better life.

I just need to remind myself that i do have an amazing family under this roof, for now we have a roof so i should be thankful for that alone!

My kids have an amazing bond and are so excited about having the baby soon. They dont have every thing they want but i try my best.

Todays going to be a better day

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi Enbee, So glad to see your post.

Apologies never needed here. We all vent. It's good. But thanks for explaining- you don't have to do that either, but you know what depression is like, and we all end up blaming ourselves for everything!

Just hearing you in a more positive mood is enough.

Keep on keeping on here! It does help. We wouldn't be here if it didn't.

Lee xo

[CMF]

Hi NB,

Great to hear from you. As JS said, no need to apololgise here and forget what that person said to you. You are clearly not doing anything out of spite, you need to out yourself and your children first.

Great that you got onto legal aide, it's a start. i think once you have some clarity and advice from them things may start to fall into place as you will know where you stand with things and what you are entitled to.

keep posting and i wish the best for you.

BS

PS I changed my name here from 'Can't move forward' to 'baby steps'. It has a more positive vibe, just like your name 🙂

[new_beginning]

Love the new name!

It did help to talk with legal aid, made everything so much clearer and made me see all the stuff he told me was crap just to make me feel bad and scared.

Ive applied for 6 jobs over the last few days so im hoping i hear something back very soon so i can get out of my head for a while and think of something else.

Ive also been accepted for a tafe course so hopefully if i can pull that off it will mean i can find a job which fits in better with the kids school and daycare hours.

Like i was told yesterday, everyone has hard things in their life that they have to deal with just as i have, my son has losing his dad as a baby and my 2 kids with my ex will have to deal with his possible absence. Its unfortunate but i can only protect them as much as i can, the rest they will have to process in their own time.

All i can do is love them and show them how very special they are to me and how much i i will support them through anything life throws at them.

At the end of the day i had a great love for my ex but he did not feel the same. One day i may meet someone who will love me forever but if not i will try my hardest to learn to and love myself so it wont matter what anyone thinks of me or if there is no one else.

[CMF]

Wow NB, what a great post from you. You really inspire me 🙂

Well I'm glad you spoke with legal aid and they were able to see that he is spinning you a whole lot of crap to scare you off. i'm so happy to know that you can now see this. That sort of behaviour ie using kids to manipulate situations does not sit well with me.

What tafe course did you apply for? I would like to do the same at some stage. You've applied for 6 jobs - go you!

Yes, everyone has difficult thing to deal with but that does not make yours any less important. We all cope differently and regardless of what the situation our personal struggles are very real to us.You are doing a great job as far as your children are concerned. You are providing love, comfort and security and that is what they need to thrive, not toys and games and material things.

I understand you have - sorry HAD - a great love for your ex but it is good that you have now seen him for what he really is earlier, rather than later. i hope that does not sound harsh but i was in a similar situation and looking back i am grateful now that i everything came to the surface before before the relationship became more involved and i would have been trapped. True colours always come out.

NB I am so happy about your post, you have made great progress, i genuinely so proud and happy for you. Keep posting and let us know how things are going. you may still have a few downers but remember how you feel when you feel rand positive as it will remind you that you can and will get through.

Baby Steps x

[BballJ]

Hi new beginning,

I think your attitude is perfect and that is spot on, love your kids as much as you can and learn to love yourself, things have a strange way of working themselves out, keep being positive, I know it is hard but keep it up.

Good luck with the job search and well done for getting into the tafe course as well.

My best,

Jay

[new_beginning]

Well today was my first appointment with the councellor. Just driving there i was almost in tears and contemplating cancelling the appointment. The half hour wait in the waiting room gave me time to regroup and tell myself this needs to be sorted not only for my kids sake but for myself.

She was lovely. I explained abit of my situation and she then went on to tell me about what happens in a domestic violence relationship. Everything thing she said had me was something i related to and could see exactly why i am in this current position.

I am seeing her again in a fortnight and have been given the task of thinking about what makes me happy. Not me as a partner, a parent.. me as a person. Sounds easy enough doesnt it but i couldnt come up with a single thing.

im hopefull she will help me. And i have only had a sook on the way to see her and briefly while with her. Today is a good day

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

I'm so glad to hear that you made it to see the counsellor. Well done you, it took a lot of guts to get yourself in that door. It was a huge step to make. She sounds great, it does make it worthwhile when someone just gets you, and that you can relate back to her words. I hope you have been able to think of a few things that make you happy since the visit. Two wks can be a long time to think about things. I hope that they will pass quickly, and that the good days outnumber any other type!

In the meantime, there is always someone here if you want to share any victories, or if you need vent.

New beginning...way to go!

[BballJ]

Hi new beginning,

Great effort making it to the counsellor and I am glad you pulled yourself together and remembered why you had to go.. that is called strength.

It's also very good that you connected with the counsellor and related to things they were saying, it means they also understand you as well. If you cannot complete the task, the counsellor will understand and I am sure they will help you find the things that make you happy as a person. I am sure there are many many things.

Please, keep letting us know how you are going.

My best,

Jay