I messed up my life

[K44]

I dont know what I want to do. I'm constantly switching back and forth.

I've been dating my long term partner for over 6 years. We moved it for the last 3 of years and lived through covid. In that time I've grown distant to her, after what I realise now to be my flaws/failure to nurture our relationship. It feels more like a friendship than an intiamte relationship. Last year I had started an affair out of what I guess was boredom. It was physical at first but it became deeply emotional.  For the first time I felt heard and ok to be vulnerable. We continued this affair so that I could have time to process and make a choice.

At the same time I have continued to withdraw myself from my partner. After recent continually pressure for marriage from her parents and limited timeframe for kids. She decided i should move back out if i couldn't give to her an answer.

For a month i tried to make a decision and eventually I stopped the affair because I couldn't give up on my long term partner. But I find myself self sabotaging my efforts. I spent the last couple months alone and trying to be sure. I made another choice to live honestly and fairly with my partner even though I know I could never tell her the truth so the only thing I could do was walk away. That the love we had became a friendship.  So I reached out to my affair partner who is now not sure understandlably.  

My ex has now told me she will be leaving the country and refuses to tell me the details. Shes arrange to have my belongs shipped to me.  I find myself now torn. Wanting to just go back to my ex because I don't want to let go of this history or destroy her dreams. While this affair has made it feel like it love will never be the same.

I know I need to make my mind up. But I'm keep backtracking.  I know it's not fair for anyone. I feel like my life is a failure, at my age I'm supposed to be married with kids. But I destroyed the only person in life that had when all she did was try to love me.  I just don't know what I want.

[Carus]

Interesting  post. I was going through/am going through a similar thing except I didn't start an affair but rather separated with my wife to pursue a relationship with my now GF....You could find my thread here somewhere. But similarly to you, whilst my new relationship is going ok, I feel extremely bad about devastating my wife....

Getting timeframes for marriage and kids is putting a lot of pressure on you. So it's understandable you are pulling away. The kid thing was also present in my marriage. She wanted one, I didn't.....

You haven't 'messed up your life'....This has happened for a reason for you to learn,grow and gain emotional strength.....And your life is not a failure...'S'posed to be married with kids by now' - That is some meaningless narration foisted on us by society and those behind the curtains....In fact, many successful people are delaying having kids more and more....A successful life might be traveling the world, building a business, volunteering or even growing a few carrots in your back yard....So don't place that encumbrance on yourself.

Anyway, I too was in that limbo you are now in while I tossed and turned about what to do. It's horrible and I do hope you can choose a direction and start walking soon....even if that's being with neither of them, spending some time to yourself and rebuilding a brand new life.....It can be done*

Regards

Carus