I'm starting to despise my family and blame them for how my life is

[Matilda99]

This sounds incredibly selfish but I feel like I need to let this one out. I can't help but look at my life and feel really sad and sorry for myself. I have suffered for a really long time since I was 12 with different mental health issues but I feel like my family has ignored this. The only time I felt like they did something was when I had an eating disorder and all they cared about was getting me a back to a healthy weight. While I recovered the body weight and body image side of things I never got help with my depression and anxiety. 

Meanwhile I can't help but compare my life to my little brothers. I feel like so much attention was given to him to set him up to have a good life. He has a lot of friends, has a social life and goes out on weekends, travels, etc. My parents have paid for him to travel multiple times to travel internationally/study abroad, paid for him to stay at an elite boarding house for Uni, organised a job for him, help pay for his car, got him braces etc. Me on the other hand because I am a twin (who I am really close with and has similar struggles) the answer is always no. They refused to send us overseas when we asked even if we used our own savings because its too expensive for the both of us to go, couldn't get braces because it's too expensive, had to rent because sending us both to a boarding school was out of question. I always had to walk and catch buses because having a car was too much. Therapy was too expensive for the both of us so they stopped with that. 

Whenever we see our extended family my parents and them all can't help but gloat about his accomplishments, his appearance, how he is going to be really successful one day, etc how charming he is. I don't think I ever recall a conversation about any of my or my sisters accomplishments except for them saying that they think we both chose the wrong degree or them complaining that we didn't do the dishes when our brother hasn't ever done them in his life. My sister and I are always told to do all the chores and that my brother doesn't have to because he is busy studying even though we study full time.

I have told them that at 25 years old, I feel so behind at life and that my mental state has robbed everything from me. Have no social life, no career, no accomplishments. I tell them I struggle but they always shut the conversation down and tell me how ungrateful I am being. I don't think they really see how much I struggle because so much attention is given to my brother. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Your feelings are valid and understandable. It's not selfish to acknowledge your pain and struggles. Living with untreated mental health issues since childhood must have been incredibly difficult, and it's natural to feel hurt and overlooked when you see the disparities in how you and your siblings have been treated.

It's unfortunate that your parents haven't recognized or adequately addressed your needs, especially regarding your mental health. And so your frustration with the lack of understanding and support from your family is completely valid.

For myself, I have found that healing and progress are possible, even if the journey feels slow. And for what it is worth, I am not there yet. By this I mean find some way of being able to move forward - whatever form that takes. I know that we cannot change what happened to us in the past. I can also say they (parents) did the best they could, but that does not make it any easier either.

I know from your post your parents don't like you raising the subject with them. Are there other people you can talk to? Or even professional help. You deserve better...

Listening.

[therising]

Hi Matilda99

I think it's easier for parents to raise an 'easy going' child rather than a challenging one. As a mum, I found this to be the case with my son and daughter. While my 18yo son was the easy going kid when he was little, my 21yo daughter was challenging in a number of ways, just like I was when I was young. I have to say, my daughter has raised me well over the years and while some of the challenges were ones I struggled with to some degree, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have developed into the person I am today. She would fight to be heard, until I came to realise I was a poor listener. She would accuse me of neglect in some ways, until I finally realised favouritism toward the easier going child (her brother) was leading me to be neglectful of her. She would demand reasons until I eventually developed the ability to be a more reasonable person, giving and listening to reason/s. The list goes on. We are very close nowadays, sharing a mutually respectful relationship. While the easy going child provides a parent with a sense of ease and peace, the more challenging one is typically the one who raises a parent to find the best in themself, what they're capable of when put to the test.

While your parents have basically raised you and your twin to and through many opportunities, for which I imagine you're grateful for (such as the opportunity to be fed, housed, educated and so on), when a child is raised to and through so many more opportunities than just the basic ones, of course they're going to thrive far more, emotionally as well. While they've paved the way for your brother in a number of ways, I suppose the question now becomes 'What is my path going to look like from this moment on?'. In other words, how are you going to raise your self? For example, if you feel your parents bring you down in some ways or leave you alone to struggle with what's depressing and anxiety inducing, who can you think of who can lead and light the way ahead for you?

If you can say 'I am a natural feeler, someone who holds the ability to feel so much' could it be a matter of mastering your ability to feel? If no one's ever shown us how to develop and master our ability to feel, an incredible ability that can definitely feel like a curse at times, how are we meant to feel our way through life? Find a master, find a teacher, find your way (which includes finding who you naturally are along the way). While it can be easy for us to feel or sense a depressing lack, not so easy for others to sense it. Sometimes it takes sensitive people to feel for us and the challenges we face.