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I'm lost, confused, tormented and just need to run away

Lostconfusedhatemylife
Community Member

I hate it I think I hate my life, I hate feeling like that I have three beautiful children their so difficult at times but it's not their fault its mine. It's my fault because I'm surrounded by this cloud if misery. I think I hate my partner I think I want him to go away but when I decide I've had enough my heart hurts and I don't have the courage or the ability to actually go ahead with it. I realise I do want to be with him and that I love him. But I absolutely hate him and this is why, 5months ago while literally in labour with my obviously now 5 month old I gave in to my gut feeling of him cheating on me. So while laying in bed contracting I wanted a distraction gave into my gut feeling and found he was in fact using snapchat and cheating on me, he left me while I was in labour to "change his pants because they had a rip in them" which resulted in him missing the birth. A few hours after that I contacted one of the girls and she pointed out she didn't know he had a partner and things wher very flirty and that they had met on a dating site. He lied to me I tried to trust him but again my gut didn't feel right and I trusted it and of course found the dating site and him on it, which ofcourse he lied about but his lies didn't match what evidence I had. Later on I accessed this site and found that it had started in January 17 and there was endless evidence of girls he was sexually talking to. Fast forward through more lies a month and a half later I decided I didn't know everything and needed to so I accessed his emails noticed he tried to hire a prostitute while I was 2 weeks due with out second in 2016. He's now still looking at them even tho I have voiced my hurt and betrayal. This and I feel so alone angry hurt betrayed and I feel like he never respects me enough to even help around the house.

I'm currently locked up in my bedroom crying my eyes out because I asked for some help around the house as I'm not coping and apparently he should be allowed one day off seeing as he works... Yet I cook, clean, wash, I'm awake day and night with screaming kids. I need help I see a psychologist but I need to understand what to do how to survive this. Am I stupid for staying and trying to work it out? Am I utterly stupid? Am I psychotic, crazy and in the wrong?

3 Replies 3

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

Welcome to BB. No you dont sound crazy at all. I only let my husband leave the delivery room to come home and feed our at the time 9 week old puppy because A. Its a 5min drive, B. I was worried about the puppy because we left the house suddenly and C the doctors told him i was still at least 3 hours away from giving birth when he asked.

You have the proof, he is cheating. He can either step up and be a husband and father or find the door. Even if he doesnt want to help around the house maybe he could take the kids out to the park to give you a break. I see 1 Dad every week at the golf driving range with a baby in the pram and a toddler colouring. He gets Golf and time with his kids and his wife gets a break.

Do you think marriage counselling might help?

Id confront him about what i found and explain that i want to save the relationship but can not do it on my own

Thank you for reassuring me I'm not crazy. I've confronted him about it all as it was happening but I'm still so insecure and found Christmas Eve that he was on the prostitute site again I confronted him straight away and mentioned how I felt and he said he wouldn't look again but the kids an I went away for a week and I've found he's been looking once again (a week ago today) I'm at a loss of if he's lying and using me or if he has an addiction or is just completely self centred

Hi Lostconfusedhatemylife,

Thanks for your post and being here. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this.

The way I see it it's bad enough to cheat, bad enough to lie about it, bad enough to do it while you're in labour, and then even worse to go ahead and do it all over again! I can only imagine how painful it must be when he promises he won't do it again and does it again anyway. I can see that you've been really strong in trying to keep things together and 'rebuild' but I imagine that it must be difficult if that's not a joint decision.

I'm really glad that you're seeing a psychologist about this and I hope that you can bring these concerns to her/him. Hopefully if they're a good one they can keep reassuring you of your own strengths and reassuring you that you're not crazy or psychotic or stupid!

Just personally though, I think that the way you keep letting him back after he's proven over and over again he won't respect you is in a way, hurting you more. If there is an addiction, he needs to own that and get help for it. If it's an addiction it might not be a choice, but he can choose whether or not to seek help and put your relationship first. Although having said all that - you know your life and your partner more than any of us here.